AIBU to want my child to behave?

[Champagneandthestars]

DS4 had always struggled with behaviour at nursery/school. Very figity and doesn't always do what he's told to straight away (he's pretty good at home, can be defiant but usually kind and considerate).

He is very bright, easily reads literally anything (read pedestrians today with no bother, I haven't come across a single word he can't read phonetically plausible or otherwise) and good with numbers (can read numbers to 4 digits add and subtract and is beginning to multiply. He could count to 20 at 18 months) he has great general knowledge too but isn't keen on writing (spells brilliantly but struggles with motor skills aspect of it and the fact he can't do it well instantly unlike everything else).

He can struggle socially and doesn't do peer pressure or need anyone else. I am insistent he behaves well at school and try hard to support his teachers but DH, DM DF etc all think they are being too hrs on him and that I'm letting him down by siding with the teachers. They think he's just bored and not being stretched (they are still matching amounts to 10 to digits) just been shouted at by husband for thinking there's anything wrong with his behaviour and supporting a crack down from school. DS teacher says it's more frustrating because he's bright and knows right from wrong but makes choices simply to get attention and annoy. Am I a bad mum? I'm being made to feel like I am but I do all pick ups and have always been the one being told about his behaviour.

No of course you're not a bad mum. I'd like to focus on the point that the teacher finds it frustrating. No doubt he is frustrated too. What is she doing to work on a solution from her side rather than just asking him to 'behave'?

I actually agree with all of you. I think you absolutely side with the school whrre behaviour is concerned especially if you know hes capable of behaving but i do think they might have a point that hes bored if hes so far ahead of his peers, can you imagine having to sit through hours of simple addition? So maybe raise it with the school, see what they can suggest? I know many many moons ago in infant school we had "number books" and that was our main maths so some students could be on book 4 and some on book 9 and it wouldnt matter IYSWIM. Maybe they have or could implement something similar?

It just seems like its stick stick stick. You're right about how they are helping him - it does seem all punishment. We have started practicing sitting still for 5 minutes on the floor at home I can't think of anything else to do! He wants to be good but lies on his back on the carpet waving his legs in the air! Other children have been hurt and it's not acceptable. I'm just desperately hoping he grows out of it!

They just say they need evidence of him doing everything for the EYFC so he has to work through it all at the same pace as the others and they have said they're frankly not interested in what he could do beyond that - god, I am failing him, aren't I!?

If other children have been hurt his behaviour needs to be managed, regardless of how bright he happens to be. I'd be talking to the school about both positive reinforcement of appropriate behaviours and consequences for inappropriate behaviour - he needs to know he can't be hurting other children.

They need to make sure the early learning blocks are in place to support his learning going further - the fact that he can go beyond that doesn't necessarily mean there aren't gaps and they'll struggle to have children at wildly different learning stages. They could look to developing other parts of his learning - creativity or social skills which might support his behaviour and balance the stuff he's already got.

Congrats on such a smart little boy. My niece was very similar that she was always academically advanced to her peers. At five she would engage in debates about the news with us, always wanting to learn and preferred being spoke to as an equal than a child. She just didn't have a lot in common with others her age so just done her own thing. At one point she did seem to get a little cocky as she felt she could do 'everything' and as most people who met her complimented her intelligence.

But like all kids, your son needs to be continually challenged. Maybe an instrument like the piano would work wonders with him. Help his motor skills, challenge him and teach him that the more he works at something the more he'll improve? My niece has really found her calling with piano, she's came on leaps and bounds, and as she feels different from others it's given her a lot of confidence. Same with sports, maybe get him into a team sport which will help with his social skills/give him a common interest with the others at his school? Also a marshal art to teach him discipline?

Has the teachers mentioned his abilities as they should be trying to encourage him.

It’s very usual for academically bright kids to be fidgety. My Ds is the same at 5 years old. I suggest looking up potential plus uk, and the Facebook page parenting high potential. Once I found them a whole load of stuff made a lot of sense.

It sounds to me like they need to work for him on this as well as for themselves. Do they want to put him off school? I'd look for a one to one with the head of year if you feel that the teacher conversation has been had already

Ps don't let the mother's guilt get to you. The future is all that counts.

I wonder if it's feasible to get any 4yo to behave the week before Christmas? Maybe let him be a bit for a week or two then chat with the school again at the start of term?

Can he have a fidget toy for carpet time?

I was thinking maybe an hourglass with 5 mins to know he has to sit for that time. It's miraculous what he takes in and remembers while apparently not paying attention!

You aren't a bad mum but whether you should be supporting the teacher or not depends on what she is doing for DS. Does she recognise that he is far beyond some of the work? Does she give him extension work in easy lessons? How about things he finds difficult? Does she try to encourage him and bolster his self esteem in areas that she knows are challenging for him? Or is she just expecting to sit there and get bored and complain that he is misbehaving when he vents his frustrations? If it is the latter it may be a good idea to just give him a book and tell him to read it quietly so that he isn't disrupting the class-presumably this is all the teachers wants. On the other hand, if it the former then you are doing exactly what you need to do. The teacher respects him so he should respect her.

they have said they're frankly not interested in what he could do beyond that

That is awful, and I guess one of the downsides of all the targets schools have to meet.

I was way ahead at reading in junior school but had to read the whole book I was on to the teacher at a page a week. I could read the whole book in the lesson while waiting for my turn. My sanity was eventually saved by the school burning down.

It's awful that schools are actively building children back. I get they have to show work has been done, but there must be something they can do to keep your DS engaged, especially as it would probably help improve his behavior.

Holding not building.

A couple of the characteristics suggest he might have ADHD or dyspraxia. Typical bright and able, doesn’t find writing or sitting easy. He is lying down on the floor, not actively disrupting the class deliberately. Are the feet up deliberately or is it a lack of social ( not intellectual) awareness. His behaviour in more inappropriate than deliberate. Watch him in a situation where he has to sit quietly- Carol/ church service or assembly- can he sit still? Does he fiddle, look around constantly?

Does sound bored and school should be meeting his needs. He is four years old, don’t be too hard on him. It’s really Important for children, especially children who do not behave like everyone else, that they are not labelled.

Lots of young boys are labelled as misbehaving for attention when they have something like ADHD or ADD, which is so unfair. 100 years ago naughty children wrote with the wrong hand and were punished for being left handed. In 20 years time people will understand that those who have ADHD just think differently to some others! They can be gentle, lovely, intelligent children who march to their own beat.

Don’t assume that the teachers are right.ADHD is often diagnosed at 10 years old- far too late. I know some children can be naughty, but it is rare all things considered for 4 year olds to deliberate do things to get themselves into trouble.

I think it’s unrealistic to expect too much from a 4yo in terms of sitting still etc, so I was on your DH’s side until you mentioned other children getting hurt - obviously that’s unacceptable. Was it accidental (eg while he was fidgeting he knocked into someone) or deliberate? If the former, then it sounds like they are being a bit harsh on him.

It doesn’t sound like a great school tbh. My DS (now at secondary) is very bright, similar to your DS, and although he was sometimes bored at primary I felt they did do their best to stretch and challenge him.

It is accidental - spinning his legs round I think and catching others. I am concerned about bullying at the school. It's in a vair nice village and has a great reputation but he tells me a lot of things the older children do to the younger ones that worry me kissing maliciously, pulling hoods over the face and hitting on the back. There's no point me talking to the head. He doesn't seem to like me after I cried in his office at 8 months pregnant, worried DS was getting a reputation. I also asked why he had been separated from all his friends when allocating reception places (only one of 18 that got put in a different class) I was told he has no friends so they thought it didn't matter .

They are mega strict. I sometimes wonder wether I chose the right school for him .

Fgs he's only 4!

A young 4 too, birthday beginning of June.

My 5 year old DS is similar to your DS OP. He has lots of sensory issues and at one point I was going to get him referred to an occupational therapist to be diagnosed with SPD, but since turning 5 he seems to be 'getting it' a bit more.

It might be that your DS is overwhelmed by the classroom noise/hubbub. You might find he improves once learning is more structured (I.e. year1/2) and the boundaries are clearer.

He is still quite young and I am not surprised he is fidgety. Try a chewy band (available on amazon). Also google infant reflexes that have not gone dormant. My son was fidgety for this reason.

I was told he has no friends so they thought it didn't matter

I'm trying not to judge but this is awful. I teach Reception and yes, we have to evidence everything for children to attain their good level of development and yes, it's challenging tailoring our curriculum to as many children as humanly possible, but it's still perfectly plausible that they could stretch and challenge him instead of letting him become bored. There's an enormous range of abilities each year; to take no interest in what a child can do beyond the EYFS is ridiculous and as a parent I'd expect you to challenge that on his behalf.

You have the right to fight his corner. You have the right to challenge school and ask how they plan to support your son. It's awful being the parent whose child isn't fitting in so perfectly to the 'naice' school. But there's a reason he's not fitting in and it's possibly because they're not helping him find his place.