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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a Snob?

30 replies

Greedynan · 15/12/2017 12:58

This year me and DH are doing an early Xmas dinner at our place for mainly my side of the family. One of my siblings lives abroad and is visiting for the weekend and the meal has been during this visit. I made a decision not to invite one of my siblings. Mainly because of their partner. This particular sibling and partner are both heroin users and alcohol dependent. The partner and family are well know to the service I work for. Earlier this year a colleague ended up dealing with the family's case after said partner physically assaulted their disabled adult daughter when drunk. I had to declare to my manager at the time that there was a family connection. I said to my mum st the time that I did not want to associate with my sibling's partner, mainly because of the conflict of interests re my job.

Fast forward to Xmas. I have excluded my drug/alcohol dependent sibling from the family meal. Sibling would be welcome but not partner. I didn't want to put said sibling in an awkward position by inviting them but not their partner so opted not to mention anything.

My other sibling has in recent days voiced objection to my actions. I have made things awkward because they are having to withhold info about the meal and be secretive. I have offered to telephone the uninvited sibling to explain the situ but was told "it's now too late". My mother said I am being a drama queen by not wanting to associate with sibling's partner, because of the work connection but also because I have said that I don't want that type of person around my children. In honesty, I'm not entirely comfortable with my alcohol/drug dependent sibling being there either - invariably it ends up with them drinking excessively and being a pain in the arse. My mother insists they'd more than likely behave themselves. I feel like I've caused an awkward situ which was probably avoidable. However, I don't wish to hang out with people that choose this lifestyle.

AIBU?

OP posts:
R2G · 15/12/2017 13:00

No, YANBU. Although could you invite the adult disabled daughter - wouldn't that be your niece?

KatnissMellark · 15/12/2017 13:00

YANBU. People make choices, that affects their lives and how people view and treat them. No way would I have those people around my DC.

Ifailed · 15/12/2017 13:01

it's your house, invite who you like.

RoseWhiteTips · 15/12/2017 13:03

YANBU.

Original poster
Greedynan · 15/12/2017 13:05

The disabled daughter is the partners daughter, not the daughter of my sibling. I have never met this daughter. I have met the partner once very briefly at my mothers house.

OP posts:
overnightangel · 15/12/2017 13:07

YANBU

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 15/12/2017 13:08

Of course YANBU. It's your house, invite who you like. Where you are perhaps being a teeny bit U is in expecting everyone else to keep things secret (if indeed you are, not sure about it from the OP).

AnonEvent · 15/12/2017 13:08

YANBU

My father was an addict, I excommunicated him entirely. There's no way I'd invite someone as unpredictable and socially unaware as him into my home, especially not with my child, and especially not at Christmas.

Sensimilla · 15/12/2017 13:10

I am the biggest inverted snob ever. Having lived with an alcoholic, i would never invite an addict for xmas dinner. You are entirely reasonable for drawing boundaries to protect your career and your family

Unfinishedkitchen · 15/12/2017 13:11

YANBU. This is your house and you can invite who you want. If they choose to live a chaotic lifestyle then one of the consequences is that other people may not want them around. Why should you be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home? If your family give you a hard time, just cancel it then none of them get to come.

Tinselistacky · 15/12/2017 13:11

Tell your dm if she can't keep her opinions to herself she is welcome to decline your invitation.

StorminaBcup · 15/12/2017 13:13

What does addiction have to do with snobbery? YANBU, it sounds like a whole heap of trouble for one meal, not only at home but professionally too.

StealthNinjaMum · 15/12/2017 13:14

YANBU perhaps your dm would like to accept an offer from your sibling and his lovely partner? (More likely she hasn't received one.)

Wheelywheel · 15/12/2017 13:17

Yanbu

Aki99 · 15/12/2017 13:29

YANBU - stand firm

FluffyNinja · 15/12/2017 13:30

YANBU. Sounds like your mother is in denial though.

Blackteadrinker77 · 15/12/2017 13:35

I have NC to my DB because he is a heroin user. I would not invite him to dinner or even my home anytime.

RestingGrinchFace · 15/12/2017 13:41

You are not being a snob, you are being reasonable. Your family are basically telling you to invite a violent criminal over for Christmas dinner.

noyanbu · 15/12/2017 13:51

I name changed and wrote a huge post but deleted it off. I felt bad because it's not my story to tell. But I have seen the affects to a family I'm very close to as their son is addicted to crack and heroin. They are respectable, hardworking, and honest people. They once had their names and occupations printed in the local rag when their son was convicted for one in a long line off offences. They spend their lives waiting for that call or knock on the door. He really has put them through sheer hell.
YADNBU. After 20 years of this their other ds has gone nc with him.

Original poster
Greedynan · 15/12/2017 15:36

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. I appreciate it. We've have over 20 years now of this sibling being a heroin addict and alcohol dependent. His lifestyle in the earlier years was a lot more chaotic and he stole from us all. He's never really worked and he's a freeloader. I love him and I used to worry myself sick waiting for the call. But so far it hasn't come. And then you just get bored of all the bullshit excuses and empty promises and then you move on from there and just accept their lifestyle choice. And it is a choice, though I accept that addiction is very complex. However I don't wish to be part of that and we've drifted apart really. I haven't seen him for 2 years. But now there's this partner. The snobbery part I didn't explain properly. They would t use drugs in from of my dc were they to come for Xmas dinner but I am aware te at the partner lacks social skills. She'll argue with strangers in pubs, she had an electronic tag on not so long ago following a conviction. She doesn't really have a filter and will tell kind of blurt out personal accounts of her childhood. She's had a really shit upbringing and, actually, i feel bad for her. But I don't want her in my home. My other sibling actually agreed with me on this but had a go at me for not inviting y brother. I wish this had been raised weeks ago when perhaps we could've done something about it. I'm not entirely sure what. I'm the one putting barriers in the way but I stand by my decision not to want to have contact.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greedynan · 15/12/2017 15:41

Just to add, I think part of the difficulty for my sibling and mum is that they continue to have some contact with my other sibling and partner. ive said that they shouldn't keep it a big secret. I've no qualms about not inviting them and if my brother asked I'd tell him straight. It's just the other sibling is saying I've excluded him and it's not fair.

OP posts:
Merrz · 15/12/2017 16:00

I'd be 100% with you, I don't at all think it's being a snob it's just wanting to have a decent lifestyle and bring your children up to be decent people which personally I don't think you can if you are interacting with the sort of people you have described your brother and his partner like. I think i'd rather be shamed 'a snob' than be associated with that sort of people anyway, especially if it's likely to have an influence on your dc. I hope that didn't sound too harsh! I can see how it must be difficult for your mum and other sibling though if they are still keeping in touch with your brother but they need to respect your decision and very valid reasons for not wanting to have them in your house.

noyanbu · 15/12/2017 16:11

Damn right you've excluded him and bloody right too. He's made his choices. You don't want it around your dc and for bloody good reason. Look my dB was a heroin addict. He was so bright and he went into that life with his eyes wide bloody open. We weren't affected as he moved to another country. So it was easy for us although heartbreaking we didn't have the fall out. Today he is not an addict and has turned his life around beyond belief. The only thing I would say to you and this is certainly nooo judgment at all but try not to fall out with your mum. She will not have hit her rock bottom with it yet and she may never tbh. It takes a lot for a parent to turn their backs in most cases. A sibling it's maybe slightly easier to walk away from it. Having said all that she should respect your wishes.

noyanbu · 15/12/2017 16:14

Oh and no your not a snob. I'd say to your mum that you respect this is her child. But you have your children to think about also and she should show the same respect.

PuppyMonkey · 15/12/2017 16:20

Entirely up to you and, as you say, to a certain extent they have made their choices in life. They'll have to accept there may be consequences for those choices. One of which is they don't get to come to nice family dinners.

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