Page 2 | Boyfriend still married

Myheartbelongsto · 15/12/2017 10:52

I'm separated, been with my boyfriend 3 years. Would love to get divorced but can't and the main reason is financial.

I have a joint mortgage with ex and am not in a position to buy him out. My mortgage is 1800 a month and I have 3 children.

Sometimes people are telling the truth about their situation.

Viviennemary · 15/12/2017 10:58

Unless people want to remarry sometimes they don't see the point of going through all the hassle of divorce. I think the fact that he is still married is very much the OP's business. I wouldn't be happy dating somebody who was still married and without much intention of getting divorced.

isseywithcats · 15/12/2017 11:02

i split with my ex five years ago and still havent got round to divorcing him, several reasons he cheated on me and he wont pay for a divorce, he wont come to my house to discuss it, i have to contact him though his ebay account as i dont have his phone number, and he wont give me his address to send the papers, i am on NMW job so to try to save up even £600 for the court fees is almost impossible for me, so sometimes its not straight forward why people dont get divorced

Mia1415 · 15/12/2017 11:02

It took my ex and me years to divorce. Nothing between us at all. Neither us of were plans of paperwork. We finally got around to it when he wanted to remarry.

dingdongdigeridoo · 15/12/2017 11:08

It's is because they have property together, complicated finances, and kids, then I'd be understanding of the process taking a long time.

If it's just a case of everything is sorted, and he just needs to do the paperwork, then I'd find it fishy.

Farfromtheusual · 15/12/2017 11:12

DPs Mum and Dad are still married. They've been split up for about 15 years!! Both have new partners. His dad refused to sign the divorce papers for a very long time as his last bit of control over her and his mum is just one of those people who is a bit clueless and can't be bothered to try and sort things out.

Some people just can't afford it/it's too much effort/aren't bothered enough.

Though it would bother me I think if I were in that situation.

Korez · 15/12/2017 11:13

I separated from my STBXH in 2013 and am only now divorcing... we have been pretty amicable... it's just not been a priority financially as we live completely separate lives.. and other expenses keep cropping up... if I was loaded I'd have done it way before but needs rather than wants must come first...

catbasilio · 15/12/2017 11:14

I have been separated for 1.5 years and met my current boyfriend 3 months after separation.
I am waiting for the 2 year mark to start divorce proceedings.
To be honest, although I don't expect exH and I will get back together, we do not hate each other enough to speed up the divorce.
In a way, I would be happy to stay married & separated, but once new partners come in life - it has to be done for the sake of order sooner or later..

stickytoffeevodka · 15/12/2017 11:15

I can see how some people don't bother - if neither of them want to re-marry or have more children, it often makes financial sense to stay married.

But I wouldn't date someone who was married. It has the potential to get really messy - especially if you develop strong feelings and want to move in together or have a family. Them being married to someone else can cause massive problems down the line.

Emilybrontescorsett · 15/12/2017 11:24

I agree with what's been said.
There are huge financial implications.
What happens if he dies? His ex wife will be the beneficiary and the funeral arrangements will be down to her.
Divorce can be simple and inexpensive.
I do know of someone whose parents had split up but weren't divorced.
Without going into details his father had a serious accident and as his next of kin, his mother had the final day as to what action the medical team should take. It didn't end well.......

Trills · 15/12/2017 11:27

I personally wouldn't be dating someone who was married unless they had a clear plan for becoming not-married and looked like they were taking steps to make it happen.

Afternooncatnap · 15/12/2017 11:33

My dh was still married when we got together. He wanted a divorce but she was dragging her feet. As soon as we moved in I made sure the divorce got sorted (with gental nagging). Its about security. What if he got hit by a bus and I'm left with no acsess to joint finances and a flat I can't afford because it's all gone to the x wife. We were also saving for a mortgage and we didn't want new savings to end up going to the x wife in the divorce.

paganmolloy · 15/12/2017 11:36

I divorced my ex after being legally separated for two years. For me I just wanted to draw a line under that part of my life. No acrimony, no kids, documents signed all done for about £100.

Another situation, slightly different from yours though, I was seeing a guy (let's call him Mr Shitface) who said he'd split from his wife but until their house was sold, they couldn't afford to not live in it together. I believed him because I would have been a hypocrite not to. My ex and I had lived together, albeit in separate rooms, until our house was sold and we could properly go our separate ways. Unfortunately Mr Shitface was leading a double life and when house was finally sold, he and wife went on to buy another place together so he was spinning me a crock of shit.

I guess it depends on which direction you want your relationship to go it. Personally I wouldn't like to embark on any commitments together, house, kids etc. until he was divorced. Too many contractual obligations.

A friend of mine, despite being divorced and remarried, remained on good terms with her ex-hubby. He ad never gotten round to changing his will so despite living with a new partner, my friend was next of kin and executor of his will. There was mucho hassle between her and the new partner, understandably.

JacquesHammer · 15/12/2017 11:38

Maybe it's time to tell him you aren't living 2018 seeing a married man

I think that's a bit disingenuous.

My ex-H started seeing someone about 6 months after we separated. Our plan always was that we would start the divorce process after two years as that was what we wanted our reason for divorce to be.

As it was, the Absolute came through about 33 months after we separated and 28 months after we started the official separation. I would have been extremely annoyed (as would he!) if his new partner had tried to force the situation.

Now I know this is slightly different to the OP as we had a firm plan, but to say his new partner was "seeing a married man" suggests there is something amiss going on, whereas in fact she was seeing a single man who hadn't had the official paperwork through.

LoverOfCake · 15/12/2017 11:39

IME the reasons why people often don't divorce are practical in their heads rather than emotional. However there are implications which many people either don't realise or don't think would apply to them even though they do.

I knew someone who had never divorced his ex purely because they never got round to it. No children so when they split they went their separate ways just assuming they would never see each other again. He was killed unexpectedly in a road accident around fifteen years later. He had a long term partner by then however on his death his ex wife appeared back on the scene and inherited his entire estate. The partner attempted to challenge it but got nowhere.

kirinm · 15/12/2017 11:42

I've been with my DP for 5 years and only got divorced about 6 months ago. A mixture of expense, apathy, waiting for the two years to pass before nobody has to accept blame and generally it not affecting us. I'm not sure what your concerns are but I don't think it's that unusual.

kirinm · 15/12/2017 11:43

As soon as we bought a flat, I got the divorce underway.

Doremisofarsogood · 15/12/2017 11:51

When I met my DH 10 years ago he had been separated from his ex for at least 18 months but they hadn't got divorced yet - no idea why, they had a child, custody had been agreed and she had a new boyfriend but it was only after I came on the scene that my DH started sorting out the divorce - he did a quickie divorce online which cost about £300 - custody of their child was agreed amicably by then and was formalised but that was about it.I really didn't think anything of it at the time but I guess technically I was seeing a married man....

Lichtie · 15/12/2017 11:55

A updated will after separation, regardless of divorced or not supercedes a spouses entitlement to a claim. Plenty of case law to support this. Only complications are where there are still jointly held assets.

trevthecat · 15/12/2017 12:04

I divorced 2 years ago. Did it all myself. Paperwork was simple and any questions I had the court were happy to help with. Think it cost around £450 was straight forward and easy

Calatonia · 15/12/2017 12:06

Yes, Lichie, that ws what I was going to say to PoorYorick who said
" Even if you make a will leaving your estate to a new partner, your marriage voids it."
NO.
If you get married that voids your previous will (unless your will clearly states " I make this will in contemplation of my forthcoming marriage with Name and intend that it shall not be revoked by such marriage. ") but under UK law as Lichtie says, a new will would enable him to cut off his wife.
However, I think she would probably still be his next of kin - I know some friends who have married when their longtime partner has received bad health news simply in order to be legally recognised as their next of kin.

BoredOnMatLeave · 15/12/2017 12:09

Just out of interest if the ex wife had a baby with someone new, am I correct in assuming PR would go to the legal husband, not the actual father?

NorthCoast · 15/12/2017 12:10

It can be relatively inexpensive if it's amicable. My exH decided to contest my divorce petition and then not respond to any contact from his solicitor, the courts, the process servers - anyone. The whole thing dragged on for over two years and I ended up with a five-figure legal bill. If it's potentially going to be acrimonious, it's often simpler to wait the five years and divorce without consent.

Jaxhog · 15/12/2017 12:12

It's only a problem if you want kids together or to join your financial responsibilities in some way e.g. joint bank account, buying a house, car etc.

Altwoo · 15/12/2017 12:15

It took me 4 years to get divorced . The split was amicable, we agreed to split the cost. Only he never had the money (and we were both pretty broke at the time). I also had no real incentive ie no-one desperate to marry me! I did it in the end when I was in a better paid job and realised he would never find the money for his share. He re-married 3 months later - his poor girlfriend had been waiting all that time...