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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSIS is angry I didn’t invite her to my scan. Aibu?

56 replies

Roxanne1990 · 14/12/2017 21:53

I had a midwife appointment this morning. I’m 8 months pregnant and the midwife was very concerned as my bump actually measured smaller than at my last appointment 2 weeks ago. I haven’t seen my husband in 2 months as he’s working abroad and I’ve been taking care of my 2 year old on my own for the past 2 months with no family support (I live hundreds of miles away) whilst often not feeling great with the usual issues that go with pregnancy.

Anyway, my brother and his wife and my sister traveled through the night last night and arrived at my house this morning whilst the midwife was here. They’re staying for a week for a little holiday. SIL is the only driver. My local hospital is 1.5 hours away on two busses each way so I asked SIL if there would be any chance she could take me in to have my scan done. I was also feeling a little worried so was looking forward to having her there to hold my hand. I apologised profusely though as I was sure it would be the last thing she’d want to do after driving 8 hours through the night.

Thankfully all is well with the baby so I’m very relieved. But my sister has been off with me all afternoon. Snappy, not making eye contact etc. The midwife gave me a bit of a scare this morning as she was saying I may have to be induced and my husband isn’t even in the country. I was also worried for if the baby was going to be okay and it’s just made a hard day even harder because of how she’s been treating me. I went upstairs to bed and my mum phoned me saying that my sister was on the phone to her and she’s very upset that I didn’t invite her to my scan. I feel hurt because even if she was hurt, I don’t think it warrants the way she’s treated me all day. I also had a lot on my mind and would have gone on my own if I’d have been able to drive. I assumed a trip to the hospital wiuld have been the last thing they’d have wanted to do after such a long drive, they were all exhausted. My mum has told me not to tell my sister that I know what’s upset her as she told my mum in confidence. AIBU to think she hasn’t been fair to me with this? In all honesty, I didn’t think to stop and consider everyone’s feelings when I was told by the midwife she thought something wasn’t right with my baby.

OP posts:
derenstar · 14/12/2017 22:36

Oh my God, this sounds sooo like my drama lama sister!

OP, your sister is clearly jealous of the relationship you have with your SIL, and probably feels you’re replacing her ‘position’ or something. I get this ALL the time with my sister whenever my wonderful no drama SIL and I do something together. It’s pathetic, call her out on it and tell her to grow up or fuck off!

Alisvolatpropiis · 14/12/2017 22:38

Your sister is being an arse, don’t doubt yourself there.

Glad all is well with your baby.

LoniceraJaponica · 14/12/2017 22:38

Originalfoogirl the OP doesn't enjoy the same relationship with her sister that you do with yours.

HelenUrth · 14/12/2017 22:39

Have you ever read about triangulation? This might interest you:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangulation_(psychology)

When you said about your mum saying not to say she told you, I identified so much with this - had years of this crap going on; the only way I stopped it was to tell the other person anyway. It turned out there were all sorts of lies being told to and about me. A total shitstorm ensued after which I went NC with the sibling who was at the centre of it all, and anyone on the periphery learned not to tell me X had said whatever about me but "don't tell them I told you". Fuck that for a game of soldiers.
This had a seriously positive effect on my life.

Seeingadistance · 14/12/2017 22:44

Originalfoogirl Thu 14-Dec-17 22:30:56

My sister and I are very close, I would be hurt if she did this. I’d be very upset if she asked someone else to be there to “hold her hand” when it’s exactly the kind of thing I’m supposed to do for her. I expect she would feel the same if I did that to her. Unless you are particularly close with SIL, it would look like a slap in the face to her. There was no reason not to invite her along to support you.

The OP's sister does not drive. The SIL does. That's why the SIL took OP to a medical appointment, which as others have pointed out already was not a jolly or form of entertainment.

The OP's sister needs to get over herself. She is being extremely selfish and is not being in any way supportive, the opposite in fact.

I had a scan like this when I was 8 months pregnant, as a result of which I was told that due to concerns about the baby not growing, I was to go the maternity hospital the following day, to have labour induced two days later. All went well and my DS is now a healthy teenager.

Ante-natal appointments are not always a case of everything being lovely!

Cantuccit · 14/12/2017 22:44

Sister sounds very spoilt. Is she the golden child?

Did you invite her or did she turn up herself? I would not have her to stay again.

He11y · 14/12/2017 22:51

She’s clearly upset about it, rightly or wrongly, and you, I think, weren’t against her going, you just didn’t think about it at the time as you were worried about the baby? So basically a lack of communication, understandably on your part.

As the tension is upsetting you, simply tell her your mum has mentioned it and you hadn’t realised it was such a big deal for her because you were worried about the baby. Then suggest in future she speak up rather than get upset. Job done! No need for either of you to make it any bigger than it already is. Make up and move on, anger isn’t good for you or the baby.

BTW: Anyone who gossips and swears the receiver to secrecy is worthy of suspicion in my eyes and I would never pander to someone like that. I suspect your mother may be contributing to the ill ease between you and your sister and I’d call her out for sure! She’s bang out of order!

desperatelyseekingcruising · 14/12/2017 22:52

It was a scan, not your hen do. YANBU. It sounds like she needs to grow up. If I were you I'd leave her to it, she'll rock up when baby arrives and you can tell her how disappointed you are in her.

Original poster
Roxanne1990 · 14/12/2017 22:54

He11y the problem is, I’m now annoyed with her. Very annoyed. What sort of a caring sister would be nasty to someone in the position I’ve been in today? Maybe it’s hormones but I just feel like, yet again, she’s just thinking about herself and my feelings don’t seem to count... ever.

OP posts:
GloGirl · 14/12/2017 23:07

I would be really annoyed - this wasn't a celebratory party to go and look at how cute your baby was in your tummy, it was a serious diagnostic test and you were practical in what you needed, a lift and someone to hold your hand. Not a room full of family to gawp at you.

Sod your sister, and your Mum - your feelings are important here and you should feel free to air it out so you don't carry it around. You have enough on your plate at the moment you don't need to carry their burdens as well. After bedtime write your sister a text

"Sorry you didn't come today but I was so worried about the baby and I couldn't bear having a lot of people around me I just really needed to get to the hospital quick. I'm so glad you're home to support me whilst DH has gone, looking forward to Y that we have planned tomorrow. Think we might need to start getting the nursery ready as midwife thinks baby could come early!"

Ceto · 14/12/2017 23:09

If you feel you can't speak to your sister direct, tell your mother she shouldn't be pandering to this; and that if your sister is still moaning about it, she should take a very firm line pointing out that you were dealing with a potential major crisis and she is bang out of order making it all about her.

Weebo · 14/12/2017 23:19

I think the best thing for you to do is try and get a good nights sleep tonight, completely ignore any passive aggressive shit your sister attempts to throw your way and let your brother and his lovely wife look after you for a while.

Don't let your selfish sister get in the way of their kindness and your much-needed support.

It amazing how spectacularly self-centred people can be.

Oh, and if your mum rings again about your sister suggest she have a word with her about her shitty behaviour rather than bothering you with this. You have enough on your plate already for fucks sake.

He11y · 14/12/2017 23:25

I hear you and there is obviously resentment between you. I guess I’m putting it out there that your mum may be causing more problems between you. Let’s face it, if that was one of your daughters moaning, would you not just explain her sister was probably consumed with worry for the baby rather than listen to it all and then do what she did? It’s not a healthy way to communicate and your sister seems to have adopted this manipulative way of expressing emotions.

You can’t change her, you can only change how you react and anger is not good for you at the moment.

minipie · 14/12/2017 23:28

Does she understand that your SIL wasn't invited to the scan as a guest but only because you needed a lift?

Layla8 · 14/12/2017 23:32

I’m in the minority here, but I can see why your sister is upset. You were worried that there might be a problem with your baby, she’s feeling she should have been with you as well as SIL. I get that.

Original poster
Roxanne1990 · 14/12/2017 23:38

Layla8 I get that too and could understand her feeling sidelined but there’s no excuse for her treating me with such contempt all day. That is what I’m so upset about. She’s been awful to me. There’s no excuse for that.

OP posts:
roseretro · 14/12/2017 23:39

I would tell her to go home honestly- you have had stressful news / stressful day and she’s here making you feel worse? It’s the last thing you need. I wouldn’t put up with the passive aggressive comments, it would drive me crazy.

Your sister needs to forget her jealousy over SIL going to your scan, you/the baby’s health is more important surely. Does she not know that you are currently having a stressful time with the pregnancy, measuring small etc? That’s the only thing I can think of to see her point, if she was under the illusion you were having a fun day out or something? But she can easily be corrected on that

I would confront her / clear the air NOW. Say you’re sick of her passive aggressive comments and jibes and would rather she goes home if she doesn’t change her attitudes - you are having an awful day and almost had scary news at your scan, she needs to be supportive and not selfish. Also who cares if you bring up your mother told you - she’s been acting vile all day so you were bound to realise.

Seeingadistance · 14/12/2017 23:39

@Layla8

I do understand why the sister is upset, as I suspect many other pps do as well.

But her being upset is simply an outward sign of her self-centred, selfish, and thoughtless lack of care for the OP.

Mxyzptlk · 14/12/2017 23:54

It sounds like the sister has not been supportive up to now, hence why op did not think to ask her to the scan.
If sister wanted to be supportive by going to the scan, she could have offered.

Sounds like sister makes everything about her and mum may be so used to it she doesn't think to do anything other than go along with it.

OP, tell sister you don't know what's upsetting her and haven't the energy to think about it as you are worried for your baby. Then ignore her if she doesn't act like a normal human.

ohfourfoxache · 15/12/2017 00:03

She needs to grow up or go home. Doesn’t really matter which, but you don’t need this shit.

TheOtherClass · 15/12/2017 00:08

Your sister sounds horrible Sad. Has anyone else commented on her being so sour.

mirialis · 15/12/2017 00:12

DSIS clearly being unreasonable but is feeling left out that her pregnant sister is asking pregnant brother's wife to go to scan with her rather than her own sister.

Not reasonable as SIL drives and DSIS doesn't.

Is big sister's child-free status entirely her choice?

LightDrizzle · 15/12/2017 01:06

Oh just tell her to bugger off home and offer to pay her train and bus 🚎 fares. Then open a box of Maltesers and put the phone on silent. She IBVU, has form and you don’t need this crap. Your mum is a stirrer and needs to stop playing the game too.
I can’t bear this sort of thing.
I’m so glad your baby is still doing well.

jacks11 · 15/12/2017 01:36

YANBU

Your sister is self-centred and immature. Your mother is stirring. Best give both a wide berth for now I think.

The scan was a medical investigation into a potential problem with your pregnancy/baby and not some sort of spectator sport or a lovely opportunity to have a look at the baby. Your sister wishes were completely irrelevant in this scenario- you were worried about the baby. Your SIL drives and it was lovely to have had a lift rather than spend a long time on the bus getting to and from your appointment. Anyone with an ounce of empathy or self-awareness would realise that there feeling a bit put-out or jealous was actually of no importance in this situation. What was important was that you got to the scan with as little hassle and discomfort as possible- and more importantly, that your baby is fine.

The fact she is now being so rude is just another sign of her selfishness. To do so after the difficult time you've had and whilst being a guest in your home takes the biscuit really. Even if she is a bit hurt, given the situation she could at least try to see things from your point of view and get over herself. I think your mum should have told your sister to get over herself but not said anything to you. I think she is enjoying stirring things up (whether consciously or not, I don't know).

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 15/12/2017 01:42

you just didn’t think about it at the time as you were worried about the baby? So basically a lack of communication, understandably on your part

Eh? As others have said it was a hospital appointment because the hospital has concerns about the pregnancy- not a birthday party or a night out. Sister is being ridiculous.

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