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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu that DH asking how much I spent so he can match is a bit tacky????

36 replies

Serendipity12 · 14/12/2017 16:45

Hello again!
With Christmas approaching the same old same old dance of disappointment seems on the horizon! The reason I say this is that DH has, after trawling the Internet, asked me what I'd like for Xmas. First two suggestions - contributions to a new piece of furniture I'd like, a perfume I'd like, all blown out of the water. Too expensive. A pet (cost, £10) likewise - 'nothing alive, unless it's a plant.'
So the question again today and now he asks whether I've bought his already, which I have. So then he asks, how much did I spend, so that he can match it. It's Christmas, FFS! Not a match penny for penny, buy one get one free or competition type drama. I just think that this is becoming such hard work that any joy (aka the whole point) of Christmas is ruined. Or AIBU??

OP posts:
Hulder · 14/12/2017 16:47

A bit. DH and I try to spend more or less the same.

It looks a bit weird if one of you is opening say a Rolex I wish and the other a pair of socks.

We have an upfront conversation about lists and approx spends.

Honeybooboo123 · 14/12/2017 16:53

we have a chat about budgets. I know he wants to spend about £500 for a new lens, so will probably try and ensure my presents come to that too, seems only fair ;)

GingerbreadMa · 14/12/2017 16:56

Is this a boyfriend you're dating but dont live with or an actual partner?

Surely its a normal/usual question for adults in partnerships. DH and I always chat about Christmas budgets.

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 14/12/2017 16:56

We agree a budget because our money is shared so I don't find it odd.

Original poster
Serendipity12 · 14/12/2017 17:00

Thanks for the feedback! I'll let him know what I've spent and avoid any ask conversations later! Needed a reality check, thank you all!!

OP posts:
IJoinedJustToPostThis · 14/12/2017 17:01

I know a couple, where, for their first Valentine's Day gifts, she bought him a weekend trip to Prague, and he bought her a whoopee cushion.

They're still together (10+ years), so maybe the moral of the story is that a mismatch in gifts doesn't really matter after all.

I get that your DH's strategy isn't very romantic, but at least he's trying.

Also: feel free to lie about how much you spent Grin

HellonHeels · 14/12/2017 17:05

If a perfume is too expensive, how much was he actually thinking of spending? It sounds like he's already set a (tight) budget.

BarbaraofSevillle · 14/12/2017 17:33

Easy way to avoid any chance of disappointment. Set the budget at a trivial level of no more than £5. Buy each other a small box of chocs, nice nuts, bottle of wine, plant, nice biscuits, something like that.

Then use your own money to buy your own stuff that is exactly what you want, when you want and not linked into a huge Christmas charade.

RedSkyAtNight · 14/12/2017 17:41

Assuming you haven't met and married since last Christmas, surely some sort of precedent for this has already been set?

g1itterati · 14/12/2017 17:45

No It sounds very petty and pedantic to me. Fgs this is your husband, not an office Secret Santa. Is he stingy OP - a bottle of perfume is hardly a great shakes at Xmas is it? Most people would just expect that sometimes as a weekend gift, or if they're coming back from a work trip. He should take pleasure in choosing something that will give you pleasure. Not make it all feel like hard work. People like this suck the joy out of life. I couldn't be doing with this kind of thing at all. I would kick off I were you. YANBU.

oliveinacampervan · 14/12/2017 17:50

I know a couple, where, for their first Valentine's Day gifts, she bought him a weekend trip to Prague, and he bought her a whoopee cushion.

Nearly choked on my coffee laughing at that!!! Grin

Re the OP. I think it's perfectly ok to have a rough guide. Like me and DH usually set a budget of £65 to £80. I would hate it (for example) if he got me a bottle of chanel and a gold locket, and I had only got him a bottle of wine.

A friend of mine spent about £25 on her boyfriend a few years back, (for their first Christmas,) and he about spent £350 on her. She said it ruined her Christmas as she felt so horrible and guilty and bad. Especially as he had a part time, low paid job and had gone into debt for it. She never enjoyed the gifts at all, as he spent a silly amount of money.

They are still together, but she gave strict instructions to spend less than £100 in future!

g1itterati · 14/12/2017 17:53

Yes but this is her husband - he can treat her. So what if he spends a lot more than her? It is allowed.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 14/12/2017 17:57

I don't think we've ever agreed a budget. I always say that we should buy token gifts of a fiver or something, neither of us stick to it and we just end up buying something we think the other might like.

Some years one of us spends more, some years the other person does. It seems to shake down okay!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 14/12/2017 17:58

If his gift is always a disappointment then I would advise you to
a) agree a budget,
b) tell him what to buy you

He's not a mind reader and will get it wrong otherwise. That's not tacky, it's realistic.

What is this pet (cost £10) you asked him for? I'm intrigued! Confused

Dozer · 14/12/2017 17:59

He is NBU on the pet if he dislikes pets, but is U on the perfume unless it’s a £££££ one or money is a huge issue.

Ecureuil · 14/12/2017 18:01

We never agree a budget. Our finances are joint... I get him some things I think he’d like, he does likewise.
Last Christmas I had been squirrelling money away for something in particular and spent far far more on him than he did on me. I couldn’t have cared less! I knew it was something he really wanted and I wanted to get it for him.
It feels a lot like a business transaction if you match spend penny for penny.

Troubleinstore · 14/12/2017 18:37

Dh called me last night on his mobile upon entering the Meadowhall Shopping Centre... I knew he was looking to buy me a gift. Whilst he was talking I googled the shops there. There was not one shop I could say I would want anything from. They were all typical high street shops, nothing unusual so I told him to please not bother buying me something for the sake of buying.
We both laughed loads...he sent me photos of disney figurines in H Samuel window and of the queues outside Pandora. Also asked me if I'd like 'chutney' (we've been married 19yrs..and that's a No! )
I said I'd rather wait for something I wanted and if that was later on in the year..so be it.
I did ask for a bar of Aldi dark chocolate though.
Sometimes it's best not to buy 'because you have to' or 'spend to match pound for pound' My advice is take a rain check for something later x

Karigan1 · 14/12/2017 19:45

We agree a budget in advance and it’s loosely adhered to lol.

Goldfishshoals · 14/12/2017 20:43

Some years one of us spends more, some years the other person does.

This is how it is for us. Some years I'll know something expensive he'll love, other years it's just a token (alcohol and food of his preference). We never discuss a budget!

XmasStartsInNovember · 15/12/2017 09:15

We set a budget of £50, although we both tend to go a little bit over. If one of us has no money around Christmas we’ll spend less, but we tend to aim for £50.

FluffyWuffy100 · 15/12/2017 09:35

My advice is take a rain check for something late

But there are things she wants, like the perfume! He just doesn’t want to buy it for her!

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 15/12/2017 09:41

So he asks what you’d like, then says no to all of the things you suggest? Now he’s only going to buy you something if it isn’t more expensive than whatever he’s getting.

Is he always this difficult/cheap?

Either he uses his imagination or he asks for suggestions. Asking for ideas and then saying no, I’ll think of something else, is pointless!

MajesticWhine · 15/12/2017 09:55

We do a stocking for each other of about 10 small presents. And then main presents too - and we kind of know the scale of these things having been married for 24 years but you have to have the conversation at some point. If he can't afford a perfume then he's obviously very hard up or very stingy. So yes, you are probably destined for disappointment.

StealthNinjaMum · 15/12/2017 09:55

I don't think it's odd. For the past few years I have told dh not to spend any money on me and I think he gets it but then I open an expensive piece of jewellery as he opens socks and I feel embarrassed. I think he gets desperate and can't think of a better present so goes back to jewellery. I get desperate and can't think of a better present so go back to socks!

user1493413286 · 15/12/2017 10:04

Me and OH agree an amount to spend on each other but if we’re a bit out we don’t care. It felt sensible to me when we first got together as I would be really embarrassed to give him a much cheaper present than he had given me. We still agree it now more based on our dwindling available cash with kids etc

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