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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this so tiresome? Mum and phone contact

52 replies

VegasWithRadishes · 14/12/2017 10:38

Hi,
My mum lives overseas,
a 10hr time difference at the moment (varying due to clocks going backwards and forwards) we do try to talk a bit daily.
We both have iMessage and FaceTime. If I text and don't respond I get something like this (x being my name)

Hey x you about?
Hey! You here?
X!
X!
Oi!

OP posts:
Dowser · 14/12/2017 11:05

Well ask yourself how you would feel if your mum passed away and she could never contact you again..
If you’ve had a good relationship and she misses you...and you would miss her when she’s gone just take it on the chin.

I’d give anything to speak to my mum again. I always had time for her and her me but I know some mother / daughter relationships aren’t like that
Maybe arrange 3/4 times a week when you can have a long chat.

Santasbigredbobblehat · 14/12/2017 11:08

The old ‘imagine if she were dead’ line. Helpful.

Can you set a specific time and you do the calling?

becotide · 14/12/2017 11:08

Whenever I get cross with mum, I remind myself that she taught me to use a fucking spoon, and one day she will be gone forever.

becotide · 14/12/2017 11:09

It is helpful, Santasbigredbobblehat, because one day she will be and OP might genuinely regret ignoring her mother's calls.

FatherChewieLouie · 14/12/2017 11:11

Well ask yourself how you would feel if your mum passed away and she could never contact you again..

That must be a record, first reply.

WeeBeasties · 14/12/2017 11:12

She's not ignoring the calls though?

I am very close to my mum and would find that very irritating. Suggest you agree to calls in advance.

As an aside... every day? That's a bit much! What on earth do you talk about?

Santasbigredbobblehat · 14/12/2017 11:13

Ok. Sorry then.

LoveYouTimMinchin · 14/12/2017 11:15

You speak to your Mum every day despite a 10 hour time difference? You deserve a medal.

LemonShark · 14/12/2017 11:17

Send her a message saying 'I love talking to you mum, but when I'm not near my phone and you keep sending messages it doesn't make me see them any sooner! In future if you send me a message or I miss your call, I promise I'll reply when I'm able to. Please can you just send the one message/call once so I'm not stressing out wondering what's happened when I come back to loads of messages and missed calls? I promise I'll see the message/call'

And see what she does. Hopefully she just doesn't realise how it's coming across.

Also... talking daily? Is that working for you? Is that the amount of contact you'd choose according to your own needs?

RatherBeRiding · 14/12/2017 11:17

You talk daily. You CANNOT be available all the time so ignore the "what if she was dead" guilt trippers.

It doesn't sound as though OP is ignoring DM's texts. It sounds as though she's gone to the loo or put her phone down for 10 minutes and come back to a barrage of plaintive "where are you????" messages.

Don't feel guilty - just explain that you aren't tied to your phone 24 hours a day and you WILL miss calls. But you'll get back to her as soon as it's convenient.

Yokohamajojo · 14/12/2017 11:17

I am overseas from my dad and brother, we have a system in place where we text first before the call so we both then know when it's convenient.

I know it's super frustrating though as my FIL (now dead but it was still irritating) would call on the home phone and if we didn't answer he would just be calling

Next time you speak to her, just say casually not accusingly that if I don't reply straight away I am just doing something and will get back to you

OhChill · 14/12/2017 11:24

I have a sibling who does this, but it’s just become a bit of a running joke now. It doesn’t especially bother me, but clearly this is bothering you, so maybe try and discuss it with her.

FinallyHere · 14/12/2017 11:26

wot becotide said ^

Since DF passed awayI try to speak to me mother each day, usually on my journey home. She doesn't hear very well these days, and so mostly talks at me, telling me things I have heard so many times before. When she does tell me new things, I am gobsmacked to try and follow the leaps of imagination her minds makes, often fuelled by the hate filled bile that is the Daily Fail.

However, I remind myself that she changed my nappies, and stuff, so it seems fair play to me, for it to be my turn to put up with some shit now. I try to do it as uncomplainingly as she looked after me, when my first utterance was a miracle and my first wobbly steps hailed with joy. I do love her, too, which helps.

It helps that I'm usually travelling anyway...

FizzyGreenWater · 14/12/2017 11:28

Well the 'imagine she were dead' line could be useful OP.

next time just reply

'i'm dead'

then turn your phone off.

Original poster
VegasWithRadishes · 14/12/2017 11:40

I absolutely do not ignore my mothers phone calls or texts and reply as quickly as possible, dont know why so many have got the impression I'm ignoring her? I speak to her daily, when it's 5pm here she's waking up, so I'll chat to her while she has her morning coffee and then text back and forth a bit until 11pm where I'll go to bed, then when I get up it's 11pm ish for her, she'll chat to me while I get up etc. I speak to her all the time, I don't deserve to get the "when she passes away" line. Plus, she's not a doddery pensioner. She's not even 45 yet!
I appreciate anybody could get hit by a bus tomorrow, but she's not about to drop dead (I hope!)

fizzy
I might try that Grin

OP posts:
AnonEvent · 14/12/2017 11:47

Mums are annoying. I am one, and I'm annoying. Mine is singularly the most annoying person in the world. I love her dearly, but she can wind me up in milliseconds.

Mine would text me at 9am, I'd be at work so either not see or not reply, but 10am there'd be two more texts. At 11 she'd call, and leave a feverish message asking if I was ok. Once she sent my dad to see me, just to check I was ok, because I hadn't responded within 12 hours. I was 30.

I know they do it because they care. I will probably do the same to DD when she's left home.

I was very honest with my mum, and it helped (though probably put her nose out of joint at the time).

ptumbi · 14/12/2017 11:51

Every Day! Every single day? I don't even talk to my kids that often. (They are older and don't live at home) Doesn't she have a life to live?

I talk to my mum every 2 weeks or so. If she dies I'm sure I'll cope. I certainly wouldn't be beating myself up that I didn't phone her every day - or twice a day, or three times a day...how many is too many?

ptumbi · 14/12/2017 11:53

She's not even 45?

Well I'm mid-50s and I don't talk to my kids that often. And I'm not about to drop dead soon (god willing)

Weird and a bit needy/clingy. She needs to get a life and live it.

junebirthdaygirl · 14/12/2017 11:59

Your mum is 44..l had her pictured as 90. For goodness sake l am all for parents but she is being ridiculous. Just text a bit and talk every few days. I couldnt cope with that level of pressure. Are you an only child? Can you encourage her to get involved in stuff. I am mid 50 and talk to my dd off and on and text now and then but l have no time or energy for more and neither has she.
I called my dm once a week all my life. She has died now and l am happy l loved her dearly and feel no guilt over neglect.

BabyOrSanta · 14/12/2017 12:00

If it was a boyfriend people would say it's too much.
Heck, if it was anyone else, at all, ever, it would be too much.
Unless there's going to be a drip feed that you have a condition that means you need constant contact with someone?

Saying that, I don't know what you can do about it... unless you do the same back?

Intercom · 14/12/2017 12:02

It's fine to set boundaries which work for you. Could you arrange a regular time to speak, e.g.10am on Wednesdays and Saturdays or whatever is best for you? If she has a specific time to look forward to, maybe she'd cut down on leaving so many messages.

annandale · 14/12/2017 12:04

Every day? Wow. You are a great daughter.

I would arrange a day off a week.

Also just say I am not on the phone all the time mum, once is enough, I always call back when I can.

BaronessBomburst · 14/12/2017 12:05

It's like a toddler going "mummy! mummy! mummeeeee!" isn't it?

Nyx1 · 14/12/2017 12:06

YANBU

you need to put down some set times and ground rules

who is even looking at their phone all that time? Bizarre.

Mobiles are not there so people can constantly demand your attention.

Laiste · 14/12/2017 12:12

The distance and time difference are immaterial here. It's a pain in the arse when anyone demands instant attention by texting and ringing ect ect if they don't get an answer straight away.

(Everyday contact is def. above and beyond the call of duty under these circs IMO Grin)