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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not attend siblings wedding ?

46 replies

AlphaBites · 13/12/2017 23:32

Back story : There was DV in my childhood, resulting in broken bones on occasion and father was (is?) an alcoholic who lost his temper at the drop of a hat. I have been NC with him for 9 years. Sibling saw all the violence but 'forgets' it for an easier peaceful life. Parents divorced over a decade ago and both are remarried. My own mother is very 'fogetful' of the past and ignores it all or brushes away any memories or comments of 'it was a long time ago - never mind, we all lived.'

Now to the present : Sibling is getting married, I was invited to be in the bridal party, I accepted then 24 hours later asked if father was attending, I was told 'Of course.' I then declined, wished them well and said I wouldn't attend. He would purposefully come over to me and start to pull the 'poor me' act, I know I would react and there would be a scene. I don't want him in mine or dc's lives. He's toxic.

I hadn't told extended family about not attending at the time as it was a year ago when they got engaged. Now it's all coming out and I'm being called an attention seeker and 'making it all about me' I've also been told to put it aside and not miss siblings wedding as it's incredibly selfish of me.

Honestly if he were not attending then I would be going and happy for them on the occasion. I was quite hurt he was invited (especially given that there is never anything positive to say about him) but hey it it's their wedding and their day.

The old MN mantra is ' It's an invite not a summons.' Is going on in my head but I keep having this guilt that as it's a siblings wedding and not a distant cousin I should be attending and my family are right to put the pressure on, but the idea of seeing my father is awful.

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 13/12/2017 23:34

yanbu.

keep that mantra going.

beware of the flying monkeys as they say on relationships trying to hoover you back into a relationshp with your dad.

post over there (relationships) they are very good.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 13/12/2017 23:41

You are not making it "all about you" - your extended family (who get no bloody say in it anyway) are making it all about their selfish perceptions of what they need their family to be. Stick to your guns - you are being reasonable, principled and moderate no matter what anyone else says.

Floellabumbags · 13/12/2017 23:47

I've been in your position. Im NC with my mother and didn't attend my sister's wedding because it would have been very stressful for everyone, a scene would have been caused (my mother told a bus full of people that I was a "fucking bitch" at my sister's first wedding and we were on good terms then) and there would have been no happy memories for anyone.

You're doing the right thing

manicinsomniac · 14/12/2017 00:04

It depends. Are you close to your sibling? If so, I think YABU. If not, then YANBU.

I never understand it when people say a scene is inevitable. It isn't. You don't have to react. I have a friend who turned down a wedding invite because she said there was no way it would be possible for her husband not to punch another wedding guest (she felt the other guest was bullying her). I didn't get it at all - of course he didn't have to punch the other guest. He could just ignore them.

Just like you could ignore your father and spend time with your family. If you're not that close to your sister it isn't worth the pain and upset that would cause you. But if you are then it's surely worth putting up with for one day.

Nyx1 · 14/12/2017 00:13

YANBU
If she really cares, she will see why you can't be dealing with him again.

TooSarcastic · 14/12/2017 00:16

It's perfectly acceptable to reject invite and remain comfortable. I am NC with those toxic to me and will not change that for anyone except me. Perhaps offer to spend some time with DSis at a time convenient to her in order to celebrate together if you so wish

RoseWhiteTips · 14/12/2017 00:27

YANBU.

Bowerbird5 · 14/12/2017 00:47

Is it nearby. Could you slip in quietly after everyone and see sibling get married then a quick exit but make sure sibling sees you? Say congratulations then leave before father shows up. Perhaps let one person know so they could chat and delay him.
Just tell sibling that you would love to come but fear father will make a scene and spoil their wedding. He might anyway but at least you don't get the blame.

Gaudeamus · 14/12/2017 02:22

@manicinsomniac I would certainly agree if this were a matter of simply having fallen out with or disliking another guest, but that's not the case here; OP's father subjected her to child abuse. Re-entering into any dynamic at all with him is likely to cause her immense distress; sometimes just seeing or being suddenly reminded of one's abuser can undermine a survivor's psychological stability very seriously, even causing them to relive the experience and all its terror again. Attending the wedding with him would be a risk it would not be reasonable to expect of a past victim of this man's violence.

It seems that the rest of the family are dealing with their trauma through denial, while the OP is truthfully acknowledging what went on - that situation in itself, where one seems to be alone, inhabiting a totally different reality - is enough to cause an enormous sense of alienation and rejection. It's nightmarish. There's also the grievance and disappointment that the family are choosing to protect the abusive father's feelings at the cost of his victim.

There's no denying a wedding is a huge occasion to miss, but it's only a few hours in a lifetime between siblings and unfortunately you simply won't be able to go. You can still be there for your sister, celebrate with her and support her marriage for the rest of both your lives, so stick to your decision and don't feel bad.

Italiangreyhound · 14/12/2017 03:17

AlphaBites you are being very wise and sensible. You know you do not want to see this man who abused you. And no one would ever expect you to willingly put yourself in the place where your abuser is, expect when you happen to be related to him - then some people seem to think one can overcome anything for the sake of famleeeeeeee.

Please look after yourself. It sounds like your sibling does understand and it is wider family who are being 'difficult'.

I'd either ignore wider family or politely say that you are not making it all about you, you are choosing not to attend. And you wish your sibling all the very best for her/his special day.

Good luck. (it must be hard being the sane one when others are pretending things did not happen, but you are guarding your own mental health and that is priceless.)

Gaudeamus wise post.

Doobigetta · 14/12/2017 04:05

It seems to me more like you're trying very hard NOT to make it all about you. I think you're doing the only thing you can under the circumstances, and it's really sad that means you can't go. But it would be more unreasonable of you to ask your sibling not to invite your dad, or to go and ruin the wedding by having a fight with him. It wasn't your violent and abusive behaviour that created the situation- you aren't to blame just because you won't pretend everything is fine.

Doobigetta · 14/12/2017 04:07

Btw, I think your sibling ought to choose you over your dad, but you shouldn't be the one to put them in that position- they should be working that out for themselves, or someone else in your family should be standing up for you.

HipNewName · 14/12/2017 04:55

YANBU

Keeping an abusive alcoholic out of your life and your children's life is important. Really important.

Listen to your gut.

AstridWhite · 14/12/2017 05:08

I agree with this. Decline the offer to be bridesmaid, go to the ceremony but stay well away from wherever he is and might see you. Catch your sibling to hug them and wish them well, pose for a few photos with them without your dad being in them, then make a swift exit.

I completely understand why you'll be dreading it, but if you are close to your sibling I really think you should try to overcome it for their sake, but compromise by going to the service only, then leaving.

Imagine this was your child and you were divorced acrimoniously from their father. It happens all the time but sometimes you just need to put your own feelings on the back burner for the sake of those who love you and want you there.

I had to do it for a close family member's funeral. it would have been disrespectful not to go, but I really didn't want to have to speak to an estranged family member.

I went to the service but not to the wake. My estranged family member did approach me and try to persuade me to stay but I politely declined. It was awkward but I managed it without a massive scene.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/12/2017 05:49

YANBU at all. I have the same issue with my brother. I am frightened to death of him. I’m chronically ill. He threatens to hurt me when he sees me collapsed or collapsing. By this time, I’m physically incapable of moving due to complete lack of energy (I have ME). He refuses to believe my disability and threatens to deck me or punch me. He has also hurt me earlier in the year and we are now NC. My mother is in complete denial as he is golden child and apparently I’m the problem and have always been the problem (she was/is abusive to me). She now has cancer and is getting on in years. If she dies, I’m thinking I’ll need to employ a bodyguard to attend any funeral.

Your father abused you. You were a hurt, scared and confused child. You are being true to yourself. Your family members have chosen a different path. The only thing you can do is protect yourself and ignore the comments that you are being dramatic or a drama queen. You most certainly are not. You really have to do whatever it takes to keep yourself safe. And to keep the child inside you safe. If that means not attending your sisters wedding to do this, you have no choice. You come first.

Clippityclop79 · 14/12/2017 05:49

Didn't want to read and run. Be strong in the knowledge you are doing the right thing. Sadly it is all to common for the abuser (often a narcissist) to pull the poor me routine and all too common as well for close family to try to blame the victim instead. As it's easier and they are fearful of their illusion of a nice family being torn apart. Counselling might help? It did for me (I was in exactly your position not long ago).

Belleoftheball8 · 14/12/2017 06:07

I’m going against the grain here if your sibling it’s one day, just avoid him or be polite. Many ex partners attend their dcs weddings and do the same thing and distance themselves from one another

AsMenDclaredWomenTheirInferior · 14/12/2017 06:19

If he is an alcoholic he will probably get drunk and ruin their wedding anyway, then you will be able to tell them
"I told you so"
You don't have to be in his presence or feel guilty for not going

ladyballs · 14/12/2017 07:17

YANBU. I'm going to have to miss my DB's wedding for similar reasons. My DM is in denial over what her husband did to her and to us.

PotterGrangerWeasley · 14/12/2017 07:35

Yanbu
I suggest telling anyone that makes a fuss about it that it was resolved a year ago and they are the one drawing attention away from your sibling by talking about your decision.
It is not selfish, I am NC with several family members and would not attend any occasions if they were there, a scene would be made by them.

Bananamanfan · 14/12/2017 07:48

Report your father to the police afyer the wedding. It should not be brushed under the carpet or denied. If he hurt you so badly he broke bones he should be held accountable. It is very wrong and it was very wrong at the time.

expatinscotland · 14/12/2017 07:53

YANBU! Well done on getting away from his abuse and not brushing it under the carpet and keeping your kids away from it. Hold fast. Don't go.

GU24Mum · 14/12/2017 07:55

Presumably your sibling knows you are NC with your father and that this was likely to happen. I don't think you're unreasonable - just keep repeating calmly that you wish you sibling very well, will be supporting in the run-up but aren't able to be there if your father is there and don't want to discuss it.

whiskyowl · 14/12/2017 08:13

OP: I had a similar dilemma. I bore the brunt of a dysfunctional and violent childhood, my DSis has conveniently forgotten all this, and contributed in a huge way to my being the family scapegoat, and to her getting enormous amounts of both emotional and financial assistance from our parents. It's one of those hurts that will never really be healed - I think something like this is a betrayal that you can't really get beyond. To this day, my sister will tell you that SHE was the victim of me as a teenager, because I was wild/unruly/difficult and "ruined family life", ignoring the fact that I was being punched, hit, kept up all night as a punishment, sexually assaulted, and generally tortured by our mother (who was mentally ill at the time).

I don't think you can ever expect a family member like this to "get it". I have patiently held out the olive branch to my sister for years, to no avail. It's awful, because you're already the victim of violence and abuse, but you have to go through this further process of accepting that your family will never really be there for you, and of building your own life independently - which is a lonely and vulnerable place. Don't go to the wedding, YANBU at all not to want to. But do understand that dynamics like this mean that they cannot, and never will "see" you or your point of view. It's too inconvenient for them, too difficult to confront the truths of what happened. So they build fictions instead, corrosive fictions that exclude, marginalise, disempower and unvoice people like us.

I found seeing a counsellor really helpful in making peace with all this. for you.

misshannah · 14/12/2017 08:16

I won't be going to my Brothers wedding in August, because i don't agree with it. I will probably be called the same things but at the end of the day i would rather not make a scene on the day (not that i would, but it would be obvious i don't want to be there and do not agree with him marrying the fiance). The fiance has divided the family and i am in the bad books and have been for years where she is concerned. If i talk nicely to her i.e. how are you? My brother tells me im being mean, if i don't talk to her because i don't want to be lectured by my brother, im told i am bulling her - literally cannot win.

I say, do what makes you happy and will cause the less amount of stress for your brother and fiance. Like yours my brother has rose tinted glasses about our Dad. It is their day not yours and like you say, you being there will probably cause more of a scene than you not being there.

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