to not attend siblings wedding ?

[AlphaBites]

Back story : There was DV in my childhood, resulting in broken bones on occasion and father was (is?) an alcoholic who lost his temper at the drop of a hat. I have been NC with him for 9 years. Sibling saw all the violence but 'forgets' it for an easier peaceful life. Parents divorced over a decade ago and both are remarried. My own mother is very 'fogetful' of the past and ignores it all or brushes away any memories or comments of 'it was a long time ago - never mind, we all lived.'

Now to the present : Sibling is getting married, I was invited to be in the bridal party, I accepted then 24 hours later asked if father was attending, I was told 'Of course.' I then declined, wished them well and said I wouldn't attend. He would purposefully come over to me and start to pull the 'poor me' act, I know I would react and there would be a scene. I don't want him in mine or dc's lives. He's toxic.

I hadn't told extended family about not attending at the time as it was a year ago when they got engaged. Now it's all coming out and I'm being called an attention seeker and 'making it all about me' I've also been told to put it aside and not miss siblings wedding as it's incredibly selfish of me.

Honestly if he were not attending then I would be going and happy for them on the occasion. I was quite hurt he was invited (especially given that there is never anything positive to say about him) but hey it it's their wedding and their day.

The old MN mantra is ' It's an invite not a summons.' Is going on in my head but I keep having this guilt that as it's a siblings wedding and not a distant cousin I should be attending and my family are right to put the pressure on, but the idea of seeing my father is awful.

I'm also going against the grain. It's her wedding day, and sounds like you would like to be there if possible (?). There are many ways to avoid talking to people you don't want to talk to, and just being at the same event doesn't mean he will end up back in your life. I understand if you feel you can't manage it, but think if you could find a way to do so (and you are older, wiser and have more Techniques at your disposal to do this after 9 yrs), you might actually feel good that you have managd the situation and it wasn't as catastrophic as you imagined. Sometimes people kind of imagine that they are still children and powerless, amd their relative still powerful etc... But.....

I can see how difficult this is for you but I think for your siblings sake you should go and avoid your dad/walk away from him if he approaches you. Your sibling and Mum have developed coping mechanisms to protect them from the memories of what your dad did; they aren’t going to change these overnight because of the fact that it protects them psychologically.
It sounds like by not going it’s just going to negatively effect your relationship with your sibling and a wedding day is one of the few days where everything is about the bride and groom so it’s significant for them if you don’t go.

No YANBU.
Going (especially when you feel emotionally blackmailed into it) and being confronted with your abuser could have serious unexpected mental effects. If you do get pushed into it, please also get a counsellor. Or if you feel really pressured you can accept and then fall ill the day before.
Please practice a response for anyone trying to be helpful 'I've already discussed it with X and luckily she understands. How are you doing?'. Or if you need to be blunt ' me crying out of fear when I'm forced to spend time with my abuser would probably ruin her special day and would definitely ruin our relationship as sisters so we decided this was the better option'.
And maybe plan a special meal with the happy couple once they are back from honeymoon. 'it's a shame I can't make it, but I'm really looking forward to treating them to a special dinner, have you eaten anywhere nice you could recommend?'.

Those people accusing you of being selfish really mean that by not going you're causing a distraction from the main event when it is supposed to be all about them. Almost exactly this happened to me. I was threatened and belittled but stood my ground. I was only wanted to make up the family numbers, look after aged rellies, transport who knows who, and just forget about the trashy relationship.

Um, no. I didn't go. Amazingly they were still able to get married, nobody died, the sky didn't fall, the rellies managed, B&G explained away my absence somehow. I havent heard from them since I totally ruined their day.

With all the love in the world OP, yours is a family who sat back and watched a child have her bones broken by an alcoholic, their moral compass is a little off kilter. These are not people you can trust.

Stay away don't and don't involved in their madness.

Sadly it is all to common for the abuser (often a narcissist) to pull the poor me routine and all too common as well for close family to try to blame the victim instead

Yes, yes and yes. They're hugely manipulative and make life so terribly difficult for anyone who challenges them that it seems pointless to try. That fuels their idea that their behaviour is justifiable and enables them to carry on. It's a cycle and it takes a brave person to break it and walk away.

@whiskyowl I've just shed a quiet tear over that post as it was almost the same (minus the sexual abuse).
Since I became a parent and DD is at the age when I first experienced his temper, I get SO angry now at my mother for not doing anything at the time. If someone had done that to my daughter or even a hint of a violent temper near her, they'd be out. DH is a lovely lovely man (we argue as well though 😀) and her childhood is so different to mine. I had buried a lot of these feelings well into my teenage years and got the hell out there as soon as I could. They've all come to the surface again since this wedding was announced and I've been getting upset all over again mostly at my mother. Then I get frustrated and cross at myself for feeling this way as an adult 'who should know better' .

Awwww, sorry for making you cry.

People - generally people who haven't been through this - often can't see the continuation of old family dynamics as a facet of the abuse that is ongoing. It's very hard to let something fade into history, to get "beyond it" and build your own life, to leave it in the past, when the dynamics of the relationship that went with that abuse continue into the present, even though the abuse has stopped. It's NOT "past" abuse or a legacy when you continue to experience scapegoating in your present.

Also, this constant devaluing, this lack of a love that should be there as positive and unconditional, is all too easy to internalise. I spent a lot of my adult life thinking there was something wrong with me that made me unloveable, or even unworthy of personhood, dignity and respect. It's affected my life in so many ways - not just my confidence and self-esteem, but it's led me into a lot of other relationships that have been exploitative in some way. I've finally realised this (at the ripe old age of 40!) and my new year's resolution next year is not to be exploited, and to seek out relationships where people aren't asking me to work for free while they take the credit!

I've had loads of counselling and it has really, REALLY helped. My relationship with both parents is now stable and bounded, but with my sister it's still bad, because she is inherently someone who is quite self-centred yet quite insecure, and so she constantly rewrites the past in the present to ensure that she remains the golden child. It sounds as though your sister is quite similar - unable to see beyond her special day to the fact that what she is asking you to do, essentially, is to confront someone who abused you for years and that this is simply not fair. It's part and parcel, though, of the whole minimising of your experience by your mother, which (in turn) is part and parcel of her failure to understand, acknowledge or apologise for her passivity at a time when she should have protected you. The anger you feel about that is completely justified - she has failed in a major part of parenting, and there's no excuse in the world that can justify that.

for you. Stand your ground. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do here.

I don't think you'd be unreasonable not to go to the wedding. But if you want to you could arrange a team of family and friends who understand why you're NC to head him off if he approaches you, perhaps.

Ignore the people who say you're being selfish by not wanting to go. They don't understand abuse and are enabling it with their actions.

Whatever you decide is fine.

YANBU. I didn't go to my middle sister's wedding and she didn't come to mine. My whole family is NC with her now, but when we were growing up she told so many lies and got me in trouble for things that I never even know about! You are right to think that being at the wedding is more likely to make it about you than not being there. If you are not there you cannot be blamed or accused for any trouble that happens. Stick with your gut instinct.

I think if you are NC then you are NC and if you aren't comfortable making an exception for this, then that's your choice. Our children are NC with my MIL/Step-FIL (we don't really talk to them either, but I could be in the same room with them and it wouldn't be an issue, it's really about the children). We have a family wedding next year, not a sibling, but a close family member who is like a brother to my dh. We'll only go if we can find childcare as we can't bring the kids as they'll be there. Unfortunately, that's life. If you feel like you could manage it and just get through one night, definitely go if you are close to your sibling. But if you really can't, you really can't and you have to take care of yourself.

Mumsnet confuses sometimes...this thread is one of those times!

There are so many posts giving support and encouragement to people escaping dv and/or abusive families (and leveling no small amount of criticism to those who are struggling/failing to escape), that support is right, reasonable and undoubtedly a huge emotional boost to people in very difficult situations.

Why then is the op (and she's not the first) being encouraged to attend a function with a man who abused her so badly she had bones broken - and is being criticized by some for being so selfish for wanting to stay safe (physically, mentally and emotionally) - when her family deny or minimize what happened?

This man's (and a use that term very loosely) abuse and impact on the OP's life is no less real for being years ago, there is also every possibility that being back in his presence would be incredibly triggering and as such detrimental to the OP's well-being even if they didn't speak. I don't understand it.

OP, take care of yourself. Missing your sister's wedding would be a shame, but your family have already sown that they don't have your back. Do whatever is the best for you.

I think it depends on whether this is two different types of problem:

1. his behaviour (apalling as it was) is in the past, and you do not expect it to rear its head on the day. If that is the case, you could put the onus back on your family and say you will come but to avoid a scene they must ensure he stays completely away from you and take responsibility for his actions - otherwise there will just be a scene which is worse than you not going.

1. he is an ongoing, live problem in terms of his interactions with you now, in which case it sounds like the probability of him causing a scene is so high it is not worth going.

I don't think this is the right time to stick to your very valid principles about what a cvnt your dad is, its a question of whether you can stand to be there and what they should be doing to minimise the upset for you if you do go.

But don't play their game of pretending he didn't do what he did - if easier write them an email and be PAINFULLY blunt and factual about what he did and why you can't forgive him, before you go into the points above and ask them what they can do about them to ensure there will not be a scene. They need to have a word with him about staying away from you if you go and they need to understand your perspective. They owe it to you to acknowledge reality and not make you the scapegoat because it is emotionally less painful for them to pretend it never happened.

By 'I don't understand it' I am referring to the response of some posters, not the possible impact on the OP.

I totally get this OP. I mainatin a relationship with my siblings and mother despite what went on as I think family is everything. Some people will bloc all of it out as life is "easier" to forget, it's not great but you have to accept that maybe not everyone is as strong as you.
usually women who accept this are a bit weak, but once your father is dead which hopefully will be fairly soon at least you have your family and your father hasn't managed to destroy that relationship.
I'd definitely refuse to go to the wedding and I would gently explain to your sister that your father is to blame for that, that you cannot mentally cope with seeing him again after what he did to you.
You can still send a lovely present and your best wishes.

YANBU

I can't understand why anybody is suggesting that you ought to put yourself in a room with somebody who physically abused you as a child. All the people suggesting you go but stay away from him obviously don't understand the long term damage such abuse can do and have probably never experienced a violent alcoholic at a wedding. You absolutely are doing the right thing in not going and I am so disapointed in your family that they did not protect you as a child and are continuing to not protect you now.

How do people imagine that at a wedding in an enclosed space with lots of onlookers you are able to avoid an abusive alcoholic who will make a bee line for you? Is she supposed to keep walking round and round the room to keep away from him?
Op knows how her father operates around her she knows he will zoom in on her to abuse her verbally. Nobody wants to be on eggshells waiting for that moment in a social situation. And judging by her relatives it would be her fault if he kicked off.

Totally do not go OP you are far to important to put yourself in a horrid situation just to put on a show of family for someone elses benefit.
Why on earth they invited him when they dont have a good word to say about him is beyond me.

Sorry your family is so crap op just enjoy your oh and child and leave them to thier fantasy of happy families.

In my dysfunctional family growing up, I was the scape goat. Every thing that went wrong was my fault somehow.

I can't help but wonder if AlphaBites played that role in her family. If so, no matter what she does about the wedding, she will be blamed. If she goes and anything goes wrong, it will be her fault. If she pops in and out as so many suggest, she will be found at fault. If she goes and nothing goes wrong, she will be blamed for being concerned about an abusive drunk. If she doesn't go, then it is also her fault the wedding isn't perfect. If she changes her mind, then it is her fault. There isn't a path for her that lacks blame and judgment

Seeing that was my reality with my family of origin was both depressing and freeing. Its depressing because being blamed and judged sucks, especially after being a victim of what other people only have nightmares about, but it was also freeing because then their response didn't have an impact on me.

HipNewName

This is exactly the scenario with my mother and brother (and his wife). There is not a possible outcome, which puts me as good daughter and good sister.

The only possibility is therefore to withdraw, not to engage, to be grey rock. That is exactly what is necessary in this situation as well.

A wedding is not all about the happy couple. It is their big day but all those invited remain their own people!

Weddings I would not attend include naked weddings, weddings that cost more than I can afford to pay to attend, or ones where a person who abused me is present.

We all retain the right to draw our own personal boundaries despite it being someone else's big day.

There is nothing selfish about self preservation and everything selfish about pushing others to do things that are not safe for them.

OP, having read Gaudeamus post I'd like to apologise and change my mind.

I don't understand the impact of parental abuse and approached your post from the perspective of having a deceased father and an engaged sister who means more to me than anyone or anything in the world.

Your situation is totally different and you should do what works for you. I'm sorry.