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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you're not close to your DN..

83 replies

SipTheCocaCola · 13/12/2017 16:32

Why?

My DB has a little girl (my DN obv) who I have an amazingly close bond with. I absolutely adore her and couldn't imagine not being close to any future DNie or nephews in he future. Most people I know in my city have the same kind of relationships with DN's, they're treated almost as like our own.

But on here, people don't seem to have the same closeness to their siblings children. Obviously this isn't everyone! And I understand if you don't live close to your siblings children but if you don't have a close relationship can I ask why?

OP posts:

Notagainmun · 13/12/2017 17:52

My siblings and I live close and our children (eight in total) were all born within nine years. They all attended the same schools (primary and secondary). We spent lots of time together when they were little so we're close. They are all adults now and some have moved away but I am very close to my nieces, one in particular. My nephews I don't see so much but I am still very fond of and love seeing photos of their young families on social media.

We have a large family party this weekend and I am looking forward to seeing them all.

HRTpatch · 13/12/2017 17:52

My sister has never met my children who are 18 and 21.
I've not seen her children for 35 years.

Evelynismyspyname · 13/12/2017 17:55

Sip its not "sad" that other people's lives don't replicate yours. Its patronising and judgemental to pour mock pity on people for not being like you.

Many of us who are not close to nephews or nieces could pretend to be "sad" that other aspects of many posters and their children - including you and your DN I'd bet - are missing out on things that we find enrich our family lives.

However I'd be an arse hole to pretend to pity you and your DB for having made different life choices and having a different family set up which might give your DN (or children if you have them) a different set of opportunities, relationships and quality of life.

Evelynismyspyname · 13/12/2017 17:57

the words "aspects of many" should not be in that post, not sure what happened there!

Jessesbitch · 13/12/2017 18:01

DS’s OH is an emotionally abusive xxxx. He has engineered that she and the DNs have little contact with me and our other siblings.

yorkshapudding · 13/12/2017 18:19

My niece and nephew are perfectly lovely kids but their Mum and Dad (DH's sister and her DP) have made choices that have led to DH and I feeling we have to distance ourselves to an extent. The DP has criminal convictions (including violent offenses) and we have suspicions about how they fund their rather extravagant lifestyle. On rare occasions that we have been to their home there was a strong smell of cannabis and a lot of strange comings and goings.

We would like to see more of our DN's but don't want our own DC spending any time with SIL's partner or being exposed to whatever is going on within that household.

It's very difficult, particularly for DH.

zeebeedee · 13/12/2017 18:37

I have 12 nieces and nephews spread over 4 families - none live in the same city.
One lot I'm friends with on Fb, chat and meet up a few times a year (they are in their 20's);
one lot (teenagers) I have very little contact with - occasional text messages with their mum, would love it to be more, but a complicated ex family situation;
one lot (the biggest family, aged from 18 - 8) we perhaps see once a year, and have some Fb contact and messages with parents in between,
and the last one I take to the pictures with DS, they have sleepovers at each others houses, I'm 'in charge' of him when his parents can't be etc etc

I definitely think the relationship with the parents (DH and my siblings and in laws) is what makes me closer or not with the DNs

SparkyTheCat · 13/12/2017 18:43

Because I can no longer cope with the expectation that I will coo and gush over DNs, despite ILs knowing perfectly well that DH and I've been struggling to conceive for years. Satisfied, OP?

LittleCandle · 13/12/2017 18:43

For various reasons, I am NC with my brother and SIL wisely left him. However, given his behaviour since then, and not seeing DNiece and DNephew when they were small, has taken a toll on our relationship. I have seen them infrequently at best and not for a couple of years now. I doubt if they would know me if I saw them. We don't live that far apart, but...

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 13/12/2017 18:44

I never Fucking see them

Love them but never see them

ProzacAndWinePlease · 13/12/2017 18:53

Yeah, just because I don't meet mine very much certainly doesn't mean I don't think they're all great kids, and love them. I have nothing particularly against their parents either, and we all get on when we do meet. Ours is just not a close family.

My oldest DN is actually talking about trying to go to university quite near me (and far from his parents), and I'd be superhappy to provide homecooked meals and home comforts and be a general "adult nearby that you know you can call if you need to", if he does. It would be lovely to see them more.

ChristmasFOG · 13/12/2017 19:20

I don't have any on my side.

We have on DH's side - they live a couple of hours away, haven't seen them for at least two years due to unhealthy family dynamics (sibling triangulation by PIL).

jarhead123 · 13/12/2017 19:25

I am not close to my aunt & uncle. They lived 15 miles away but my aunt (by marriage) was and is still a very difficult person. I don't have time for her now.

My other aunt (dads sister) passed away 17 years ago. She was brilliant. They didn't live close by, but our parents were close and we saw them quite often. She loved us dearly, made a fuss of us. She was a lovely lady and I'm still so sad she isn't with us.

I'm not an auntie yet, but when I am I hope to have a close relationship with my neices and nephews

InvisibleKittenAttack · 13/12/2017 19:30

Actually thinking about why MNers are less likely to be close to their DNs, it could be more the age thing. The average first time father is now 33 - so if you've lived independently from your parents and siblings for a long time before starting a family, then they are less likely to feature as much in your support network. If you've waited until older to have dcs, chances are you are less likely to live close to your parents and siblings, so popping in to see family regularly is not possible.

(Plus I believe a high proportion of MNers are uni educated, more likely therefore to have settled down with someone from a different part of the country to them, unlikely to live near both families).

RavingRoo · 13/12/2017 19:36

A lot of MNetters post here because they are alone or don’t have trusted friends / family to answer their questions or air their grieviances to. Most people in the real world are close to their neices and nephews provided there aren’t issues with the sibling relationship.

PinkBuffalo · 13/12/2017 19:41

I have 5 nieces and nephews! I love them all, and would happily have them living with me if they needed somewhere to stay. I send gifts and cards and keep in touch with the older ones on social media too. Unfortunately, 4 of them live at opposite ends of the country so I rarely see them. This does not mean I love them any less.

Dozer · 13/12/2017 19:44

Living far away. Not close to one sibling and don’t see them often, so limited time with DNs.

Barely have enough energy for my own DC and am not good with other DC.

Different / incompatible parenting styles can be stressful, eg my sibling is shouty and overbearing with their and our DC.

Another sibling’s DC behave badly and fight constantly, so are irritating to be around.

I feel guilty about not being nicer / making an effort with the DNs as I had lovely aunts and uncles, had a real sense of benevolence from them. I think DC can tell when a relative doesn’t like them: I had one aunt like this and fear one of my DNs knows they annoy me! I’m the adult and need to do better!

drspouse · 13/12/2017 19:48

I am close to my older DN who is a lot older than my DCs. So we had a lot more time to see her than now. Also, she's old enough to stay at my DM's so we see here there alone (my DB and his family live abroad).
But I have fundamental disagreements with my DB over many aspects of parenting meaning I'd never, ever leave him with my DCs.
I also feel that my DN (now in mid-teens) needs an advocate outside her immediate family as I feel she's been quite badly treated and advised and she needs someone independent.
But I don't/can't see as much of her as I'd like though they are moving closer.
I'm not as close to my younger DN, she was younger when we had time to see them, I slightly feel she needs us less, and my DB became much harder to talk to as the years went on and she got older.

babyturtles · 13/12/2017 19:50

Have you got children of your own, OP?

Evelynismyspyname · 13/12/2017 19:51

Is that why you post here Raving ?

It always perplexes me when people claim their tiny snippet of subjective experience is "The Real World". What makes you think your "world" is The Real one, and everyone else is living in some kind of parallel universe?

You must know that people tend to gravitate to and associate with people like themselves. That doesn't mean that people outside your bubble aren't real or aren't living"in the real world". Your experience is your experience and that of the relatively few people who you know well. It doesn't make your experience more "real" or "normal" than other MmNers or mean you are more likely to be the same as the tens of billions of people you don't know

I once saw someone on here claim that because everyone she knew lived within a couple of miles of their parents that was how it was "in the real world" and anyone not like "everyone" she knew must have had issues during childhood and a bad relationship with their parents.

Neapolitanpink · 13/12/2017 19:53

DH has pretty much broken contact with his sibling, my sibling will never have children so we never see my only DN (who doesn't even really feel like a DN since we have never met them).

I find it sad tbh, I'd love to be an aunt and I'd love my DCs to enjoy having cousins. Such is life I suppose.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 13/12/2017 19:55

My 2 DN live in Australia. They are much younger than my dc. We see them every 2-3 years. I don't really know them.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 13/12/2017 20:13

I have 7 dns and most of them live a distance away/in another country. I'd say I've a reasonably close bond with the teens as I was more involved in their lives as little ones. I don't see them as much now but I think I'd be fairly high on their list of trusted adults.

The younger ones? Well, I certainly love them, I treat them when I see them and they seem to enjoy spending time with us but when I think of being "close" to someone I'm thinking of a strong emotional bond which is something that develops over time and requires a lot more one to one contact than I have with those dns.

Tbh I'm not sure how a person has an amazingly close bond with an infant dn which I'm assuming yours is given dbs age. I'm sure you adore her but a bond is a two way thing. It's not unusual to be besotted with a baby but whether you'll be amazingly close remains to be seen.

MimsyBorogroves · 13/12/2017 20:33

My aunt (dad's sister) is one of my favourite people in the world. I'm close to my cousin now we're both adults - big age difference. My aunt still helps me out loads with my children and they also have a fantastic relationship.

Aunts, uncles and cousins on my Mum's side I'm not especially close to. I'm another who doesn't understand cousins at birthday parties etc, as we never did that and it seems a bit strange to me.

DH envisaged our children running around with their cousins, close relationships and them being best friends. It hasn't worked out like that, and it really upset him at first.

Woolfrai · 13/12/2017 20:45

I'm not as close to my nephew as I would like - he is almost 2 but my DSis has only ever left him with her partner. I rarely have the opportunity to see him, sadly.

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