To think about trying for another baby

[sunshine546]

At 41? I have one dc who is 5. Thought I was done but now having a wobble!

Life is so much easier now and I think that's why I've only just started to consider this but I think it's prob too late...

I’ve gone back and forth about it tbh. I had one dc, then decided I definitely didn’t want another. Then i did a complete u-turn and desperately wanted another. We were about to start ttc, but then I thought we should put the idea on hold. Had a contraception fail, (we were only using one of those period tracker apps, so it was probably an accidentally on purpose as we knew that wasn’t very reliable). Now expecting dc2 in a few weeks and am delighted. Definitely no more though! Pregnancy has been tough for me second time round.

Just to add that dc1 is now 3yo.

Age gap is no predictor of how two DC will get on. DH and his DSis have 15 months between them and couldn't stand each other, DM and her sister have 6 years between and always got on like a house on fire. Seriously, if you want another baby don't let stuff like this dissuade you, because five years from now, when the door has well and truly closed, you'll regret it. If you want another DC, go for it, but stop dithering. You probably have time, but you don't have time to waste.

You won't be able to answer your questions, end of. You wouldn't only know for sure looking into the future and you can't.

I think you could get people telling you regretting not having go for it, but you are unlikely to have parents admitting that they regret having their children, because even if they do find it hard and a part of them fantasize about what life would be without their latest child, the love and bond they build means that they would never not want to have them.

I can say that DH desperately wanted a child when I was 38, fell pregnant, was over the moon, miscarried. We were both very sad, tried again, it never happened. I wanted a baby more than anything until I turned 42 and then I started to think that it actually wasn't so bad not to. I'm now 47 and genuinely relieved that we didn't (OH even more), but that's because of a number of factors that I couldn't have foreseen then and as said, if that pregnancy had resulted as a baby, who knows what our lives would be like, but I do know for a fact that I would have love and adored them as I do my other two older children.

My mum had me when she was 42. Yes she's older than other mums but she was more financially secure so she was a SAHM which she couldn't do when she had my siblings. It was lovely having my mum around. I don't think 41 is too old at all

It's clearly the season for it OP. I'm wondering whether to have DC3 even though life is just starting to get easier now that youngest is nearly 4...

Of course only you can decide, but things that are going through my mind are: must be prepared for all eventualities (I grew up with two siblings who needed a lot of extra care), it could be twins (!), my parents are getting older and likely to need more looking after, older DC value individual time with me.

But also, older DC would adore a baby sibling, I love babies, it's kind of now or never, we have space and finances...

Heart v head for me, I think the head may win in the end but wonder if I'll always regret it...

Also- my siblings were 21, 17 and 10 years older than me. Much bigger age gaps than you envision. The sister who was closer to me in age played with me a lot & I often stayed over at my older siblings houses. Whatever the age gap, if they get on they will build relationships. My elder siblings are 3 years apart & always argue!

lots of posters will tell you how they or a friend had a second/third/fourth in their 40th but the reality is that it is so much less likely to conceive at 41 than e.g. in your mid 30s. there are health risks for you and a higher risk of generic issues with the baby. When you are 60, your child may well be in school.

I think it is bonkers. If you are well and you have a health child, I would look at what I got and be content with it.

My older half brother is 9 years older than me and 11 years older than my younger brother and we're all really close. As kids, younger brother and I got on much better with older brother than we did with each other! So I wouldn't worry about the age gap. Think about factors like:

• the change in dynamic from 3 to 4
• the increased risks to both you and the baby of being an older mum (not having a pop there - I'm 40 and pregnant with Dc2 myself!)
• money and the things you could offer Dc1 that he might not get if you have 2 to pay for
• domestic changes, eg car, house
• would it affect your work
• would it be better for DC1 to have a sibling when he gets older and his parents are older or not around any more
• Dc1's personality and how he is likely to react
• whether you're ready for the short term but huge disruption of going back to nappies and sleepless nights

That sort of thing.

Chocolate - out of my closest group of 12 female friends from school, all of whom are 40-41, we have:

1 just had her third child
1 is having twins in May
1 is having her second in May
I am having my second in April and had my first at 38
1 is having her first in August
1 is having her second in March
1 is starting to try for a third after new year

I have another friend who had her first at 43 and just had her second at 45.

You can dislike it, but the fact remains that lots of women are doing it very successfully in their late 30's and early 40's these days! Of course that's no guarantee for any one individual, but the OP clearly knows that.

I have a 5 year age gap. It's fabulous. DS1 has his own friends and is at school. He adores DS2 and does a ton of jobs for me. DS2 adores him in return. It isn't quite like having two only children at all- they make each other laugh and smile and DS1 reads to his baby brother etc. And settling into a routine was much easier.

But we started trying when DS1 was 3. I had two miscarriages along the way (I am now 37 so not ancient by any means) and when DS2 was born he was very very premature and had a long stint in hospital. He's fine now but in those days I did wonder if my 'selfishness' in wanting a second child had subjected DS2 to so much pain and DS1 to considerable trauma.

You can dislike it

I don't dislike it. I don't care at what age others have DC. I just said it's not that straight forward

but the fact remains that lots of women are doing it very successfully in their late 30's and early 40's these days!

... and many don't despite trying. They just don't talk about it. Fwiw, I have a handful of friends who wanted a child in their late 30s, early 40s and only one managed after multiple miscarriages. 2 went through several rounds of IVF (both unsuccessful) and 2 just didn't get pregnant and gave up. I believe this is far more typical than a friendship group where pretty much all have children in their 40s.

But you DIDN'T say that. You said it was "bonkers" to try and told the Op to be "content with what she got"

@chocolateiamydrug - I get what you're saying, but for some it isn't a choice to be an older mum. I only met my OH at 36. He proposed in July when I was 38 and we found out we were pregnant 4 days later after first go earlier that month. Sadly ended in MMC in August but that may not have been my age - a friend miscarried her first aged 26 and in good health!

Guess what I'm saying is that I wish with all my might is met OH earlier and thereby started trying earlier, but we don't always have that luxury sadly

I couldn't decide, but all I knew was that I didn't want to get to the age where it was no longer possible and I regretted not trying. So I came off the pill, we agreed not to 'try' but if it happened then we'd deal with it. We had struggled to conceive ds for 2 years so didn't hold out much hope. Three months later I was pregnant! Still had the same feelings of 'can we really do the baby thing again? Is there room for another' which didn't really pass until dd was born 13 months ago! There's a 6 year age gap between our two and I'm 39 next month. Best thing we ever did, besides having ds of course. No we don't regret it at all, despite dh in particular being adamant for more than 5 years that he didn't want another!

Just be prepared for the 'not sure' feelings to continue even when pregnant!

sorry for your loss, Costa

Sadly ended in MMC in August but that may not have been my age - a friend miscarried her first aged 26 and in good health!

I misscarried in my 20s and many women do. But a fact is, it is harder to get pregnant when older and you are much likely to misscarry. I think this is what chocolate is trying to say.

We see all this celebs having babies when older but it just doesn't happen like this for many older women.

If you want tales, then my mum had me at 22 and my sister at 42. She conceived the 4th months of trying for my sister. She was a much more dedicated mum to my sister than I and had tons of energy. She's now turning 70 and still full of beans. My grand mother had my mum at 45!

Well I have half sisters who are older than me by more than 6 years.
We are all good friends.
There's no reason why 6 years means they won't be friends.
Is your DH the same age as you?
I wouldn't want another at 41/42 but that's just me.
I'm not maternal at all and was happy with one child.
My friend had her baby at 39 and is a fantastic mum.
Sit down and have a proper talk about this with your DH.
Does he really really want another one?
Then take it from there.

When I was debating a third I spoke lots of people with two. What became clear without exception that anyone who contemplated another and didn't do it regretted it. That was a real eye opener for me. You won't regret the child you have but you may well regret the one you didn't. If you think you will regret it then go for it and let fate decide.
As it turns out having a third, for me, was the best decision ever. I think if you are thinking about number 2 you should just go for it.

I should also have said op that ds absolutely adores his little sister and there are a lot of advantages of having an age gap of 5 or more years. As ds is school age the childcare costs aren't as high, he helps a lot with dd, I feel like I've given him a lot of one to one time that he's benefited from and won't feel too bad about doing that with dd now. They're the best of friends despite the age difference and I love seeing how she looks up to him and how he looks after her. It's just wonderful.

@mradasmith - yes, I agree with that. But that's not all chocolate was saying, so just saying it's not all black and white.

If I had my time again I'd do many things differently including not wasting 4.5 years on the wrong man but hindsight is a wonderful thing and sadly we have to deal with where we find ourselves now.

Thank you for your sympathies re my loss. x

@mradasmith - and sorry for your loss too. MC is a horrible thing. x

I'm 39 (40 in May) and currently sat with my 3wk old baby. Me and DP only got together last year so starting earlier simply wasn't an option.
We hope we'll go on to have a sibling for DS in a year or two. I had a relatively smooth pregnancy, a perfectly straightforward birth and we're both doing well! We had the NIPT testing done as we're aware of the increased risks due to age. It also only took us 5mths to conceive so we have been very lucky. I miscarried twice in my 20's (one early and one late) and would not have been capable of being half as good a mother due to being immature and not at all settled. What would have been 'bonkers' would have been not to have my little boy exactly when I have.

I've just had my last this year 3 weeks after I turned 44. I have a 7yr gap to the next one (one missing in between I had at 41).

It was a bit hard to wrap my head around starting again, but tbh, I'm in a nice routine and just get on with it. Luckily she is a great sleeper generally and has no issues with colic etc.. I probably would not have coped well with little sleep. I would have regretted not going for it, and she's the light of our family now she's here.

I was lucky enough to conceive our first on the first try and got pg with our second on the second try, at 37/38 and 39/40 respectively. I also have friends who sadly struggled in their 20's and early 30's as well as others who had no problem in their 40's. I do think a lot of fertility is the luck of the draw, like so much else about the human body.

The huge problem is that you don't know whether you will struggle or not until you are ready to try.