AIBU to think loneliness effects everyone?

[Wellfuckmeinbothears]

I’ve seen lots of ads about loneliness effecting the elderly and they’re utterly tear jerking! I posted a couple of weeks ago(ish) about my elderly neighbour and we have now started a lovely friendship, I really value her company. But in all honesty, my lonely neighbour aside, I have NO friends! I have a wonderful family, an incredible husband but no friends. And the loneliness of that really upsets me at times. There are things I’d love to talk about that would be inappropriate to discuss with my family/husband (sometimes because it’s a moan about them!) and I would love to be able to make some friends. The adverts highlighting loneliness in the elderly are really welll thought out as I know (from my neighbour) that isolation and loneliness are a very real issue but I wonder if a lot of people are in the same position? Could there be some kind of scheme for all ages to join to make friends?

Would be really interested to hear other people’s thoughts

Dd has ASD and while she was younger it wasn't so bad but now as a teenager you can see how lonely she is. I'm very lonely too. Seems to be quite common in parents of children with SN.

I don't think society is as caring as it used to be, there is a lot of suspicion around and people are more wary. Look at the amount of ex military people who are just left to fend for themselves on the streets, those with substance abuses or mental health issues. I always find it really sad to see so much homelessness.

I have one friend. I am so incredibly lonely.

Single mum of two young children
Parents passed away in twenties

But nope absolutely not lonely. Wide range of friends both local and scattered. I’ve really cherished them and they me.

I've got a few good friends-I'd say 5 or 6, a few more acquaintances, a partner and my two kids. And I still feel lonely sometimes....when I first split up with exh I felt more alone that I'd ever felt.I think it's societal expectation on what friendship 'should be' and how we 'should' behave... it doesn't add up in reality. I get that that's a different type of loneliness to that that the op refers to but it's still there I think..

@LeCroissant

There are lots of schemes for people to make friends - meetup, various clubs and choirs, sports etc. - but it requires people to go and use them and then make the effort to get to know people, which is where I think the problem lies for many.

It's not just about having to make the effort. I work, I have a four year old and my DH often works late and often works weekends. I also don't drive, can't afford to learn and even if I could we can't afford a second car so rely on public transport which limits where I can get to in the evenings.

There are things I'd like to do but how can I commit to attending anything regularly?

There's a wee mumsnet spinoff friendship group on Facebook called ChuMNs, come on over, it's great

Volunteering can be a good way to keep busy and make new acquaintances. Some of them may become friends

I felt lonely when I had my first baby and lived in a rural cottage. Weeks /months would go by and I would only see my dh. I came up with some ideas that made me feel better as I met new friends.
I listened to 'talking' radio, sang, chatted to my baby as if she could understand ( it has done wonders for her communication and intellect) I got a dog so chatted to lots of people every day on the walks. Went to the supermarket to chat to workers and brought myself flowers every week as a good friend to myself. I did have friends but they were all working and busy. I joined clubs and enjoyed hobbies and developed certain passions.
I eventually loved being on my own, savoured the peace and quiet as developed what I guess could be called self reliance.
These days I have a big circle of friends but still need quiet time. Embrace what you can't change, look for the positives in your life experience and be open to trusting others with being the real you.

Even if people say they don't feel lonely themselves then maybe others loneliness does affect them in some way. So I can see how it can affect everyone.

@silverysurfer I think perhaps I phrased the title poorly, what I meant was Aibu to think loneliness can effect people of all ages. I supposed what I’m asking is how do I make friends?
I’m not technically lonely if you mean in terms of people around me but as a PP said it’s possible to be married and lonely. My DH is wonderful, kind and supportive as are my family but I don’t seem to have any real friends and that makes me feel very lonely. When I got married I didn’t have a hen do as I had no friends, I’d love to make some and maybe help others who feel the same way as me. DH works 12 hour shifts plus a 40 minute commute each way so I do spend a lot of time alone. We have a dog who is lovely (even if he is a bit of a dick at times!) and that has helped as I get out twice a day to walk him. I work from home so can often go a while only seeing my DH or my neighbour.

It’s really interesting to read everyone’s posts and thoughts on this topic so thank you to all who have replied

Dont worry, we know what you meant. I hope you find some new friends, having dogs can be a great way to meet people. You sound like a very kinbd and thoughtful person.

I think society as it is is creating a lot of very lonely people. People moving away from families for jobs. People moving jobs, and perhaps relocating every few years. pressure at work leading people to only form superficial relationships at work (often quite willing to stab others in the back for promotions etc). Accusations of emotional affairs if you even speak to someone of the opposite sex. Trying to balance and juggle so much we don’t have time or energy to keep in touch or reach out. Everything being about self. “Leave him if you’re not 100%happy”, “I’d go NC if I was you” “ she’s no friend”. All relationships these days seen as disposable and transient. The uncertainty this brings breeds an insular existence - how often have we all thought they only person I can rely upon is myself. Having faith and the comfort that brings being scorned at by people who are more concerned about trying to prove how “clever and witty” they are rather than being glad others have a sense of belonging to something.

Excellent post @Iwanttobe8stoneagain. Lots of very good points there.

I see what you mean.Maybe elderly lonely are perceived as being more vulnerable? But some situations posters have described are equally vulnerable due to factors beyond their control. I think it also depends on how much you like people. I feel a bit sad if I have a couple of days without seeing a friend and have felt very socially isolated with small children that need time to be in the evening so my friends are limited to mums off work with other small kids. And I’m picking up kids 3 times a day from school, and have a baby who needs to nap at home some days, which means I have limited time so see friends so that limits potential friends to only local, non- working or part time parents. Who then may or may not like me!

PP. People of all ages and in all circumstances can feel lonely, we should all try and help others if we can and not just focus on one particular group.

Yanbu.
Because of divorce, moving areas for work and one of the dc additional needs I literally know no one locally.

There are actually quite a few free groups near me from crafts which make something different each week to dance and activity groups which I would love to join in but they are for age fifty plus and they won't let me join.

That's age discrimination. I am 60 and I enjoy being around people of all ages, I wouldn't want to join an exclusively over 50s group, I would feel ancient!

I wonder if it's possible for people to give the county in which they live, so that perhaps people can arrange to meet?

Oh gosh @Thebandsmostmonthly that must be tough, I’d really like to try and develop a group for all ages to join. My lovely neighbour is an incredibly interesting lady, we’ve talked about how loneliness can effect us both and we’re lucky enough to have one another but for those who don’t it’d be really great if there were groups? It could really benefit all ages I think, those who are a bit more frail could benefit from having more able bodied people popping in to see if they need anything/a quick cuppa and those who are willing and able get the benefit of helping people out, having a chat etc. Does anyone know if/how this could be set up?

Again, thank you for all your replies. I really value them

I’m not sure that that came out very well! Hopefully it will have made sense to some people!

The only time I have ever felt lonely was when I was unhappily married.

Apparently there has been a theme about loneliness on TV/radio which has passed me by. Someone was telling me about it.. Apparently there was a woman interviewed as part of this who said she noticed how many people sit alone in cafes/restaurants, so she started a table where anyone could sit and chat with others if that's what they wanted. Sounds like a good idea. We need more of that sort of thing.

I think loneliness is a modern epidemic, and I agree it affects people of all ages. I don't think those who are its victims all lack social skills, either - some have great social skills but lack confidence, or even just plain opportunity to meet people outside of work or the home. A lot of clubs etc are in the evening - I would like to see more events in the daytime for those who are not working for a whole host of reasons.

You sound brilliant, by the way. I'd love to be your friend