AIBU to hate Mum's attempts to micromanage our lives!

[Emerald92]

Morning everyone!

Let me start by saying I really like MIL, she's always nice to talk to when I see her etc. BUT she is a massive control freak! It drives me bonkers! She's in her mid forties with a 10yo DC of her own so why she feels the need to try and manage our lives, I don't know!

DP and I have been together for a while now and she's obviously not going to change but one day I'm going to bite back.

Classic example - Yesterday DP gets a message from MIL asking if were seeing family over the next few weeks and points out she's busy every weekend until after Christmas, fair enough. DP replies yeah we'll be travelling home to see everyone over the next couple of weekends.

She then goes on to say that we should invite DGMIL over to ours for a change. Maybe we can cook for her? Do a spread or little buffet? You could do it this weekend blah blah blah.

So she's basically just messaged yo try and arrange our weekend for us, who we should see and what we should be doing. When we see and what we do with DGMIL has nothing to do with her especially if she's not here to join in. Grrrr

I know it seems very petty and I should not get worked up about it. BUT nearly every time she messages us she has to try and dictate our lives

AIBU to be annoyed? I'm obviously not going to fall out with her over it or anything but I do feel pretty justified feeling few up of it!

Is it poke the toad? Prod the snake? Tickle the tarantula?

Perhaps you could give her a few suggestions in return? How about if she sees her on xx date, and cooks a,b,c?...... mirror it back, and see if she eventually finds it annoying!
Be an adult back to her - don't jump into child mode and kick off. If you become the child, she'll be the parent. Try to keep it adult to adult.

I understand. It's a small part of a big picture. My MIL did it too, still does to an extent. Who we should visit, when we should visit, what pictures should we take, etc.

Even when we've made it excruciatingly clear we are very much old enough to make our own plans she attempts to force her own over the top. Can be somewhere between mildly offensive and very fucking rude dependant on what we have already said.

Maybe DGMIL said to your MIL that she is sad she hasn't been invited over and you haven't made plans to see her. I think that a lot of people already have made plans by now for the next couple of weekends, they might have thought you had forgotten about her.

I can see how that would get irritating if she does it all the time, especially once she already has plans.

It sounds like the DGMIL is in her 60s and sprightly so MIL's attempts to arrange visits between OP and GMIL are annoying.

I think Bluetrews suggestion of mirroring it back to her adult to adult is good.

Ask her when she's seeing GMIL.

Reading between the lines, I think your MIL is saying you need to host a gathering for a change. Do you ever host or do you always go to their houses?

Step right back from the "wife work" of communications with your DP's mother and other family: if she wishes to make suggestions to him about what in her view he should do that's for him to manage. As he sees fit he can suggest things to you and you can agree plans with him.

It's not for you to "bite back": it's for DP to manage his relationship with his mother.

Your dp needs to reply "sorry Mum it annoys Emerald when you try to organise our lives like this, can you try not to interfere?" Then everyone will know where they stand.

But do arrange to see your dgmil won't you? Your dp's mum is on a treadmill of being everything to everyone, so try to be understanding. She has more on her plate than you could ever imagine! You will be her one day.

I wonder whether sometimes posters are annoyed by behaviour in their MILs that they wouldn't get so worked up about if it came from their own DMs.

Maybe there is more to it but it sounds as though she's just making sure her mum has company? And the other text just sounds like normal making arrangements for visiting family. If you've already got plans to see gmil then just let her know that

Corbyn doesn't sound like GMIL has any trouble getting company.

This would irritate me from anyone. My DM or MiL. I would fend it off. Every time.

It's not OP's responsibility to facilitate her partner's family relationships. Should HE wish to organise things HE can do so and I presume she will help or join him when possible.

God I but all my adult children and dils and grandchildren advent calendars every year. Is that a terribly mumsnet crime?

I would love to but them all houses too but no annex involved.

mered

I think you make w fair point but equally I don’t treat my dils as I would my dds or my sils like my sons as I always try to be tactful.

I would easily call my son a numpty but wouldn’t my sil. Love them all though

Buy not but!

I wonder whether sometimes posters are annoyed by behaviour in their MILs that they wouldn't get so worked up about if it came from their own DMs.

I think the point is that it is easier to tell your own DM she is being daft usually, so it doesn't become a problem.

Well MILs contacting their DSs IS bound to be more annoying than someone dealing directly with you because in that case you can discuss the matter and actually come to a decision.

and she still insists on us being treated like children like buying us an advent calendar every year,

My mum buys me an advent calendar! I’m 38 with 3 kids. I like it. I think you’re looking for stuff to be offended at there...

My mum does that, love her to bits but especially where my sister is concerned she manages me to the nth degree.

She gets annoyed sometimes if you don't do something the way she wants you to. It is so annoying as she is not even involved in the situation but tries to get it to work out the way she wants it!

My DP do that. A text message I’d just ignore.

We tend to get caught with visits as they live back of beyond so they often offer lifts to get us to do what they want.

One visit DP and I wanted to look round town we were stopping in Dp wanted us to go straight back to our hotel . They offered lift to town but went via Dsis house buts she was busy. Spent two and half awkward hours us trying to get to town with Dsis trying to get us to leave and her Dp seething. We got dropped off just as all the shops were shutting. Then they phoned family changing town meeting next day to their house - meant we didn’t see them all as work meant some couldn’t get up there and we had no time to do anything but get train back. However DP were pleased as there was no point looking round town shops .

I took young DC to their house was told I had to get to their door as they couldn’t meet at nearest station. Three changes a walk and bus we got here all fine- all set to do same back. They thought a different route back was better. Offered a lift which with three DC would be easier than getting bus but once underway insisted on dropping me at a completely different station in nearby city with three grumpy kids who'd fallen asleep in car. It added an hour and one change to my journey - which they refused to believe later as it should have been quicker.

I think that YANBU.

A message asking when you are seeing DGMIL next or even suggesting that you might invite her over for tea before Christmas as DMIL will be busy, would be fine.

But telling you exactly which particular day the meeting should be on and what food you should serve, is way outside her remit.

I don’t think Micromanage means what you think it means.

If mil was micromanaging she’d be telling you who was visiting you, when they were visiting and what food you will provide. Suggesting you provide a buffet for guests is t really micromanaging.