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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my brother to remember my child's birthday?

48 replies

WinkyWinkola · 21/04/2007 07:44

It's only his second birthday but my brother and his wife have failed to send even a card again. Their two children (5 and 7) get gifts and cards without fail.

I don't mind them forgetting my birthday but a child's? It really gets my goat because it's my little boy's big day! My mum minds when he always forgets hers though.

What to do? 'Phone up and gently enquire or just put it down to forgetful insensitivity?

OP posts:

hatrick · 21/04/2007 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

maveta · 21/04/2007 09:20

It is your brother, surely you could just call him up and ask him what the deal is? If it was a friend or acquaintance I could understand you might not know whether to bring it up but if it´s your brother...if it was me I would call them and say YOU FORGOT HIS BIRTHDAY - AGAIN!!!

Maybe you need to decide together if there will be a general agreement on whether to buy pressies for each other´s kids and then at least they are all being treated the same?

mufti · 21/04/2007 09:22

my brother lives 20 miles away but that is too far to come to see ds apparently, he hasn't seen him yet and he is 10m next week

wheresthehamster · 21/04/2007 09:26

Apart from my mum there is no one in mine or dp's family who ever get birthdays spot on (us included).

It means all the children grow up knowing that over a few days cards and presents trickle in. By the end of two weeks if you haven't received anything from Auntie or Uncle there is a good chance they've forgotten this year but who knows next year might be different. No big deal here.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 21/04/2007 09:28

Two of my brothers forgot, well, didnt bother for DD's birthday this year. (My mum nagged them mercilessly about it ). One of them has apparently bought her a present, but, couldnt be arsed to get out of bed to wrap it last weekend or something for when my parents came over.

It was then DS's birthday this week, and none of my brothers bothered this time, although the girlfriend of the one that remembered DD's birthday sent me a text message on his birthday. I know its coz they are lazy feckers more than anything else.

With DP's family - we always forget one of his neices or nephews, largely because his memory is crap and I always rely on him to remind me - well, until this year when i got all the birthday dates myself and put them in my diary.......

goblinqueen · 22/04/2007 07:21

If he's generally not interested why do you want to force it? You can't MAKE people care for your child in a way you think they should. Your child will only care that uncle doesn't give them a present if YOU make the child care and make a big deal out of it, if YOU teach him to expect others SHOULD give him presents. Otherwise it will just be normal that uncle doesn't give them a present. And since you're obviously feeling bitter that you send his kids a present then you need to look at the reasons why you send presents. Presents should be freely given with no strings attached, with no competitive element, with no feeling of superiority, with no expectation of return. Of course, I realise that idea is pretty radical around here.

idlemum · 22/04/2007 11:43

If he is not bothered about sending gifts why not test whether he is bothered about birthdays full stop by not sending him and his family any more presents. Then if he raises the issue it will be a chance to discuss it; if he doesn't then all square.

Chandra · 22/04/2007 11:51

My first niece's birthday is always reminded and celebrated (probably because she was the first niece/grandchild on both families). I have a foggy idea of my second nephew's birthday and I know nobody but my mum and me remember when DS's birthday is.

Besides, we all had more time to make a fuss about other people's children's birthdays before we got so busy just keeping over things once we had our own children. (and before we learned that young illiterate toddlers can't care less about cards or even dates!)

In terms of reminding dates, I get a bit of anxiety when getting a card, as I know that I should send one back in due time and sure, by then, I would have already forget!

Malaleche · 22/04/2007 11:56

My brother rarely remembers b'days and has only met DD1 3.7 yo 2 x. We live far from all our relis, but DD1 remembers them all from visits and photos, except my brother and his wife - IMO it's their loss....

kimi · 22/04/2007 12:05

Its a bloke thing.
DH1 has no idea when anyone's birthday is and I do all the cards for Birthday's Christmas, Anniversary,s Christenings etc.
DP is the same and had never managed to send anyone a card till I started dong it.

singingmum · 22/04/2007 12:35

I once had to remind my DB and SIL of their own DD's birthday
As you can imagine they only remember other bdays when reminded and mine is boxing day which is rather hard to forget

Troutpout · 22/04/2007 12:44

None of my brothers (i have 4) acknowledge me childrens birthdays.
They are truly shite in that department.

newgirl · 22/04/2007 13:08

goblinqueen - what a refreshing view - hear hear!

my brother forgets birthdays but is lovely in many other ways - my dd (5) doesn't notice the birthday thing at all. I reckon invite them over for special birthday tea next time - that is a pretty hard one to get out of! I tend to take gifts if invited but dont post them - where would it ever end!

i reckon friends/siblings etc without children who remember birthdays etc are fantastic SAINTS rather than the rule!

Elasticwoman · 22/04/2007 20:56

Snap Twig, I'm also youngest of 4. My bros also forget birthdays but 2 of them have dw/dp who do remember. The 3rd one is single and when I was rude enough to ask him why he never remembers their birthdays he said that our uncles didn't, when we were kids. He was right. It is a female thing to send card/present to nieces and nephews, though some generous men make honourable exceptions.

Of course, that doesn't explain why the OP's sil doesn't get her finger out! Maybe she thinks her dh should do it. But that's life isn't it? Not every one reciprocates. You just have to ask yourself why you remember their children's birthdays and whether you wish to continue to do so.

JodieG1 · 22/04/2007 20:59

My dh never remembers birthdays so it's down to me but I am rubbish with dates and although I do remember the month sometimes it's too late to get the gift and card sent in time as sil lives abroad . I am making a big effort now though to get things sent in time, I have lots of birthdays to remember as I have a big extended family.

SofiaAmes · 22/04/2007 21:17

Yes you are being unreasonable. Not everyone measure love by how well they remember people's birthdays. Of course, it's possible that your brother is actively ignoring your ds' birthday. But isn't it more likely that he just isn't good with birthdays or has other priorities. My father is a wonderful man who absolutely adores my mother, but in their almost 50 years of marriage has probably never bought my mother a present or remembered her birthday or anniversary without her reminding him. Instead of taking it as a sign of lack of love, my mother has a much better solution. Some months before her birthday, she buys herself a present, wraps it up and then puts it in the closet. On her birthday she gives it to my father to give to her. Often she's forgotten what she's bought, so it is a surprise for her and my father feels great that he's been able to give her a present that she likes on her birthday.
My brother also often forgets my dc's birthdays and sends present late. My ds is 6 and my dd is 4 and neither of them notice at all. In fact they get so many presents right on their birthday that it's nice to get something a little later. And they would only know that presents are supposed to arrive on your birthday if I made a big deal out of it. Otherwise all they know is that it is a birthday present (think of it like wedding presents...you have a year to deliver).

Elasticwoman · 22/04/2007 21:30

Lol about your parents' present giving and receiving, Sofie! Imaginative solution to prob of forgetful spouse! OK if they are both happy about it.

TheArmadillo · 22/04/2007 21:33

If he doesn't remember (some people are just crap at remembering) phone him up the week before and remind him.

SeeYouEntee · 22/04/2007 21:48

YABU. Your DS is only two, so he couldn't give a hoot. It's one day in the year - who cares if they don't send a gift/card. More important that they are consistently generous with their love throughout the year IMO.

And I find it a bit cringey when adults make a big deal about other adults birthdays...seems childish.

kookaburra · 22/04/2007 22:01

I always forget my bro's kids birthdays and my SIL didn't speak to me for two years because of it. B'days not a big deal with DH & I - we don't both with our own - give parties for the kids and that's it.

chirpygirl · 22/04/2007 22:08

I always forget my nephews and niece's birthdays, if my mum or MIL didn't remind me beforehand they would never get anything.
I wouldn't put it down as 'forgetful insensitivity' it could just be forgetfulness, I know I feel awful if I forget and send them a belated card/gift
I would suggest putting it down to someone being crap with dates and next time try reminding him a week or so before.

Rachmumoftwo · 22/04/2007 22:14

Not only does my dh forget all the birthdays from his side of the family, but his mum thinks that is just to be expected of him, being a bloke, and that I should remeber them for him! That's fine, I'm not busy at all raising 2 kids, studying ft for a degree, running a house, etc. He could at least do his own brother's birthday card!!!! Rant over. x

evenhope · 23/04/2007 11:27

My brother "forgets" my kids birthdays, even though his wife's birthday is the same day as 2 of them. (I've "forgotten" hers for the last few years since obviously birthdays are unimportant!)

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