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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at my friend's reaction to a good deed?

37 replies

Alwaysinmyheart · 11/12/2017 19:43

I spoke to my friend tonight and asked her about how she was getting on with the snow and she said she could barely get out of her drive and needed a neighbour to help dig her out. Then I told her about my experience. I was with my DP yesterday, looked out the window at 9am and everything was covered with about a foot of snow! He lives in a little village and was due to fly to Scotland the next day for work for 2 days, so if I'd have stayed at his I would not be able to go home till Weds evening. I live a 40 min drive away. I don't drive.

So, DP said, let's get on the road and I'll drive you home. We set off and it was quite a precarious drive as the rural roads had not been gritted. A journey that would have taken 40 mins, took about 2 hours. When we got to mine, I made DP a sandwich and a coffee but he wanted to drive back straight away. I also have a cat who was v glad I was home and came in straightaway.

So, I told my friend my DP had driven me home and then went back to his and she was incredulous and said, couldn't you have got a train? Trains from Euston to the North were cancelled or delayed and tbh, DP wouldn't even have thought of it as he's a v kind and caring person. Which I do really appreciate and I try to do the same for him in my own way.

I felt really upset after this conversation with my friend as I felt like she was trying to make me feel bad about accepting a lift from DP and that I was selfish for doing so. I spoke to me DP after this conversation who couldn't believe it and told me to not pay any notion to it.

I know this is probably quite petty but I feel aggrieved as I've always supported my friend, even when she's done stupid things and I don't feel it's fair that she judges me like this. A few years ago age was shagging her next door neighbour, despite being in a ( v dis functional relationship) and I always listened to her and tried to help her sort it out and I feel bloody angry and upset she would judge me for something like this. I also think she's never had a relationship where a man treated her really well and so doesn't even know what that's like.

I rarely post on here but I feel bloody pissed off about this and would appreciate some feedback

Btw the reason I don't drive is cos I lived in London for over 20 years and never needed to and it's only since moving out that it's been a problem.

OP posts:
Pickleypickles · 11/12/2017 19:45

She sounds like she was a bit of a dick but nothing to get your back up over. Maybe she was just having a bad day Smile

Columbine1 · 11/12/2017 19:47

I think many people might have wondered why you couldn't get a train but not actually said it.
It doesn't have to have been meant judgementally - can you let it go?

Sn0tnose · 11/12/2017 19:51

In the kindest possible way, I think you're over reacting a smidge. Is there a history of her thinking you shouldn't benefit from the kindness of others?

Original poster
Alwaysinmyheart · 11/12/2017 19:57

I think I’m overreacting because to me, there’s a history of this, we’ve been friends for over 30 years and I try not to be judgmental but sometimes I feel I don’t get the same back. There’s loads of things I could have been bitchy and judgemental about but I never have and when she’s bitchy towards me, I don’t know how to react. So I don’t say anything, just seethe silently and try to ‘ let it go’. So when something like this happens, all those little slights get triggered.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback, I do know it’s petty but it’s really got to me!!

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 11/12/2017 20:01

She's prob jealous of you

Sn0tnose · 11/12/2017 20:01

Well it's not petty if there's a long history of her being like this. It just sounds strange because it's a bit out of context.

Being friends with someone is supposed to be fun and mutually supportive. If you feel like she's always taking and you're always giving, then distance yourself.

WasDoingFine · 11/12/2017 20:07

So it was ok for a neighbour to have to dig her out.... but not your DP to help you get home safe....

Why couldn't she sort her own drive out?

Try and forget about it. If another friend had said it to you, you probably wouldn't be even thinking about it. It's because she has slowly niggled you more and more over the years.

Step back and reduce contact for a bit

Original poster
Alwaysinmyheart · 11/12/2017 20:09

She has been a good friend to me in the past, like when I was struggling looking after my dad who had dementia, she was great. But she’ll make bitchy comments about my boobs, or my facial hair and I think WTF where has that come from??

She comes from quite a stoical background and I think she thinks I’m a bit of a snowflake in comparison, she’s accused me of being ‘over sensitive ‘ in the past. But one time I made a joke about her big bum and she went ballistic at me. So she can give it but not take it!

God I sound like a bloody teenager...😀🙁😱🍷

OP posts:
Smarmydrippings · 11/12/2017 20:10

Yes but

To be upset at my friend's reaction to a good deed?
AJPTaylor · 11/12/2017 20:16

She is jealous of you having a dp willing to do this.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/12/2017 20:21

"when she’s bitchy towards me, I don’t know how to react."
Well the standard recommendation is 'did you mean to be so rude?', but I usually go with silence and my deathstare, followed by 'what do you mean by that?'. If she then said 'what do you mean, what do I mean', you point out that her comment could be taken bitchily, you can't believe she's actually being bitchy, so what dod she actually mean by .

I have no tolerance for those who dish it out but can't take it.

Original poster
Alwaysinmyheart · 11/12/2017 20:22

Smarmydrippings

That did make me laugh. Thank you! Xmas Grin

OP posts:
isawahatonce · 11/12/2017 20:29

I wouldn't expect you to get a train in heavy snow, you could get stranded anywhere and that's not fun in the freezing cold. I think it was right of your DP to offer to drive you, that's the sort of thing you do for someone you really care about.

Viviennemary · 11/12/2017 20:38

I think she is a little jealous that you have somebody that was kind enough to drive you home in this bad weather. But you are over-reacting. Just forget about it now.

Pinky14 · 11/12/2017 22:09

Your friend sounds a bit odd. Your dp though,he is a keeper!

DeadGood · 11/12/2017 22:14

"There’s loads of things I could have been bitchy and judgemental about but I never have and when she’s bitchy towards me, I don’t know how to react."

The thing is that friendships are not a dance, in which you mirror each other's behaviour back at each other. You are two different people with two different ways of being.

Just because you have managed not to say bitchy things to her, doesn't mean she will do the same back to you. She is a different person and behaves differently.

Maelstrop · 11/12/2017 22:33

My dh would do the same and drove me to Kings Cross one day (from north of London) because he didn't want me hobbling around the Underground. He did the same for my parents when the trains from our station were canceled one weekend. It's a little bit above and beyond but he's my dh and he wants to do the best for me, much like your DP. I think your mate is jealous.

NSEA · 11/12/2017 22:40

Shen i started reading your message I also wondered why you didn’t get a train. Not because I am jealous or to make you feel selfish. I doubt your friend had that notion either. You seem to be placing a very negative spin on what may well be anthrow away comment.

Dozer · 11/12/2017 22:43

What’s your “non judgment” of your friend’s past sex life got to do with her comment about your transport choices? Confused

Mxyzptlk · 11/12/2017 22:46

I also think she's never had a relationship where a man treated her really well and so doesn't even know what that's like.

I think that, as you told the story, your friend was automatically visualising what she would do in that situation.
From the sounds of it, she probably has experience only of relying on herself and so expected you to do that too.
I don't expect she meant any criticism by it.

If she makes snidey remarks, tho, pick her up on it. WhereYouLeftIt puts it well.

steppemum · 11/12/2017 22:52

I love th eidea that he lives in a small village and you should ahve taken a train.

A train???? From a small village?
From all the villages I know, getting to the nearest station would be 20-30 minute drive, so as it was a 40 minute drive home, of course you woudl drive the person.
As someone who has lived in a village, (well several villages) a train wouldn't even cross my mind.

pinkdelight · 11/12/2017 22:55

Not worth getting upset over. It was a fairly standard remark in an everyday bit of chitchat. Can't believe you've gone into details about sandwich and coffee tbh.

ButchyRestingFace · 11/12/2017 22:57

So, I told my friend my DP had driven me home and then went back to his and she was incredulous and said, couldn't you have got a train?

That’s all IT?

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 11/12/2017 22:59

I agree with PP that I think you're over reacting.

Although I'm Hmm at the suggestions of jealousy. Why is it when women aren't 100% nice to other women people assume it's because they're jealous?

HermionesRightHook · 11/12/2017 23:04

The thing is, when you're used to someone being a bit bitchy, you get your back up about things.

I had literally the same thing on a whatsapp grou[ today - someone said 'Oh look Hermione's got her tree up :-)' after I posted a non-tree brag picture that happened to have it in, and I immediately mentally went 'bloody cheek, I've had a tree since I was flipping 23, I'm not 6 you know, grrr'.

BUT: the person in question has long since grown up and stopped making mean comments, and literally just meant 'oh isn't that nice' (clear as the conversation progressed), and I was just reacting to her out of habit.

So I guess what I'm saying is: was she really being bitchy or did she just mean 'goodness, you're usually on the train, were they not running?'

Not doubting you, btw, just asking if there's a chance you misinterpreted it in light of previous behaviour. She may just be a cowbag, of course.