To be upset at my friend's reaction to a good deed?

[Alwaysinmyheart]

I spoke to my friend tonight and asked her about how she was getting on with the snow and she said she could barely get out of her drive and needed a neighbour to help dig her out. Then I told her about my experience. I was with my DP yesterday, looked out the window at 9am and everything was covered with about a foot of snow! He lives in a little village and was due to fly to Scotland the next day for work for 2 days, so if I'd have stayed at his I would not be able to go home till Weds evening. I live a 40 min drive away. I don't drive.

So, DP said, let's get on the road and I'll drive you home. We set off and it was quite a precarious drive as the rural roads had not been gritted. A journey that would have taken 40 mins, took about 2 hours. When we got to mine, I made DP a sandwich and a coffee but he wanted to drive back straight away. I also have a cat who was v glad I was home and came in straightaway.

So, I told my friend my DP had driven me home and then went back to his and she was incredulous and said, couldn't you have got a train? Trains from Euston to the North were cancelled or delayed and tbh, DP wouldn't even have thought of it as he's a v kind and caring person. Which I do really appreciate and I try to do the same for him in my own way.

I felt really upset after this conversation with my friend as I felt like she was trying to make me feel bad about accepting a lift from DP and that I was selfish for doing so. I spoke to me DP after this conversation who couldn't believe it and told me to not pay any notion to it.

I know this is probably quite petty but I feel aggrieved as I've always supported my friend, even when she's done stupid things and I don't feel it's fair that she judges me like this. A few years ago age was shagging her next door neighbour, despite being in a ( v dis functional relationship) and I always listened to her and tried to help her sort it out and I feel bloody angry and upset she would judge me for something like this. I also think she's never had a relationship where a man treated her really well and so doesn't even know what that's like.

I rarely post on here but I feel bloody pissed off about this and would appreciate some feedback

Btw the reason I don't drive is cos I lived in London for over 20 years and never needed to and it's only since moving out that it's been a problem.

You are totally over reacting to a pretty simple question from someone you were chatting with, IMO.
All you had to do was say "No, there weren't any trains running" and carry on with life. This really needn't be an issue.

For someone who claims to be non judgemental, you are pretty keen to list things you could have passed judgement on in the past. From the sounds of it you do sit in judgement of your friend but you are not brave enough to say it to her face.

You seem very over sensitive in my opinion. Someone enquiringly why you didn’t get a train has aggrieved you?

She's turning this from 'lovely DP did you a favour' to 'you are a saddo, unable to stand on your own two feet and unable to drive and had to get your DP to drive you home'

Remember it is the former, not the latter.

I think you are over reacting. Also I would say on your friend's side I wouldn't feel it was very safe getting your DP to drive in these conditions. You knew that the snow was coming. you should have made alternative arrangements.
I live is Scotland where we get this sort of weather all the time and we don't go doing that sort of drive when the roads are bad. It's just not worth the risk.

My daughter would be like your friend

She would see 'couldn't you get the train' as a helpful reference, she likes to sort things out have them in order, iffers all sorts of suggestions but never actually listens!!!

He was kind, I'd have done the same, take no notice

I'm not really seeing the problem here, tbh. Asking why you couldn't have got the train seems a reasonable comment. In the past I used to get the train rather than drive to work in the winter when it was snowing. It's quicker and safer.

Fgs. Six posts in and the 'she's probably jealous' comments start.

You are totally over reacting to a pretty simple question from someone you were chatting with, IMO. All you had to do was say "No, there weren't any trains running" and carry on with life. This really needn't be an issue.

This.

You be you.

Let friend be who she chooses to be

And let DP do the things he wants.

Life isn't a competition.

I'm also wondering if she really meant any criticism. Maybe she was imagining the situation and it just popped into her head and out of her mouth before she'd really thought it through?? I can understand your reaction though, especially when there's history. I think it can help to have some prepared phrases up your sleeve for these situations.

Just written down ‘ why couldn’t you have got the train?’ does sound fairly innocuous. I guess it was the incredulous way in which she said it that bugged me. Plus when I said, that’s just what he’s like, he’s v kind and generous, she said, and I bet you didn’t say anything to stop him did you? She then started to have a go at me at the fact that he’s on a v good salary and pays for lots of stuff. Which is true. But I’ve also helped him a lot, helping him deal with a lot of shit from his ex wife, helping him set up a new home etc. And yes there is a history of her making snide comments which I don’t really know how to deal with as I feel blindsided when she does it. And then, taken out of context they seem petty.

Anyhow, thanks for all the comments, will let it go.

And why I mentioned the sandwich and coffee, he wanted to just go straight home but I made him eat something and have a coffee at mine, as he’s not v good at looking after himself and I wanted him to have some energy for the drive home. Ie that it’s a mutually caring relationship!

You don't have to justify what you did or what your DP did, even in your head. What happened was an example of how nice people treat each other. People who are open and nice and take people as they are accept the lift, reciprocate with the coffee and sandwiches, and all is well.

it’s a mutually caring relationship! - Yes to this.
It's sad she doesn't apparently understand that this is how mutually caring relationships work, or feels uncomfortable about it, but that is her problem, not yours.

I agree with what BellandBeast said:
She's turning this from 'lovely DP did you a favour' to 'you are a saddo, unable to stand on your own two feet and unable to drive and had to get your DP to drive you home'

Remember it is the former, not the latter.