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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about ex's demand

59 replies

bibliomania · 11/12/2017 10:45

DD was with him for contact at the weekend and he has got her all excited about this overnight event in January in a city that's 2 hours from where we all live. He's in that city for something different on the Friday, so instead of coming back here on Saturday morning for the usual handover, he's told her that I can take her by train to that other city on Friday night so he'll then take her to the event.

This, he informs me by email, will be at my own expense as he can't afford to pay the train fare (over £80). It comes from a man who, under duress, is paying me £30 per month child maintenance when the CMS calculation is that he should be paying £350 per month (I'm following up separately with them. He works short contracts so by the time they catch up with his earnings, he's finished his contract and back on benefits, so it ends up being a backlog of payments that I never get).

What's really getting to me is that DD(10) is feeling torn between us - she really wants to go and I'm the bad guy for being too mean to pay, and she totally believes his line that it's unfair for him to pay child maintenance because he'd have her more often but I'm cruelly refusing. (Contact was reduced by court on the basis of concerns about him acting in an emotionally abusive way to her).

I'm unreasonable to be indignant about this because it's who he is and he won't change now. I need to rant here so I can appear unperturbed in my communications to him.

Oh, the event is free, by the way. It's not like he's forking out a huge amount for DD's benefit and the train fare would be a fair contribution from me.

OP posts:

gingertigercat · 11/12/2017 16:34

I agree with jays wording.

Entirely appropriate and honest.

RandomMess · 11/12/2017 16:40

Alternatively can we just get him to disappear abroad for the next decade...

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 11/12/2017 16:41

There are some really good suggestions on here op. And I really feel for you - I can imagine my ex trying something like this. Glad you have had the chance to vent here.
Personally I wouldn't say anything about cms, but simply say I couldn't afford it, and that as it is dad's event it's his job to pay to get her there.

Knittedfairies · 11/12/2017 16:50

If the event is 'something he's involved in', how is he going to be able to look after a 10 year old in a strange city while being 'involved'? Would your daughter's safety be compromised?

Handsfull13 · 11/12/2017 17:03

I'm sorry your in such an awkward position.
I would sit her down and tell her that you would love her to go with her dad but as he hasn't arrange transport to get her there she can not go. If she asks why it aren't taking her then just say your saving the money to do something special with her.
It's not painting her dad out as bad it's just letting her know why your money is for things you do together and her dads money should be for their things

Original poster

bibliomania · 11/12/2017 17:12

Thanks for the advice. I'll be offline for the rest of the evening, but I'm going to think about your suggestions and use them to help me frame this for DD.

OP posts:

Toffeelatteplease · 11/12/2017 19:19

Please don't just say you can't afford it or its because your ex hasn't paid maintenance.

It's not correct.

Even if he had paid maintenance that doesn't give him the right to remove your autonomy over how you spend your money or the right to make promises he can't keep and then expect you to deliver on them.

Also affordability is to a certain extent arguable. "Well if your mum can afford .... (whatever it is that doesn't actual compare) they can afford the train. Rightly or wrongly this Can make sense to a small child. It isn't actually the point. If you could afford it it would still be wrong.

One thing you must be to a child who is being emotionally abused is scrupulously accurate. They are going to hear a lot of bull shit. You need to make sure none of it comes from you.

pallisers · 11/12/2017 23:20

Please don't just say you can't afford it or its because your ex hasn't paid maintenance.

I agree with this post. Just say "no, I can't do that" and ignore. And then follow up with your dd so whatever shit he tells her "your mum wanted to shaft me/doesn't love you/is lazy/mean/whatever" you can counteract it and tell her how normal people actually behave - they don't impose their own responsibilities on someone else.

Original poster

bibliomania · 12/12/2017 10:34

Thanks for that. I talked to DD last night - it wasn't about money, I just said there were a couple of ways her father could make this happen (eg. come back to our town to collect her) and it was up to him whether to go for them.

I did ask what she thinks her father would have said if I'd asked him to bring her to another town for my benefit, but I didn't labour the point.

She does get it. She's had a lifetime of knowing that he will do exactly as he pleases, regardless of anyone else. She was a bit teary and we had a cuddle, but ultimately she is unsurprised.

OP posts:

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