AIBU to ask how the f**k you do this???

[JimmyChooChooChoo]

I am a mum of a gorgeous just 2 1/2 year old and I am very very lucky to have him and I know this. I’m with DH who is also his dad, we have a lovely home and I should be happy... but I’m not.

I’m not happy and I don’t know what to do about it, I just feel like I’ve got no time to myself, I’m always doing something for someone else... and I know that’s to be expected but I’ve only recently started feeling like this. Before I felt like I had my shit together and I was really a great Mum and wife but now I just feel like I’m irritated all the time.

I’m irritated that my house is never clean, I’m irritated that I feel like I can’t cope with anything!
I used to have time for the gym and for spa treatments, I used to have the money for my hair to be done - and this is since DS was born and I’ve changed jobs to working more days to get more money and yet I seem worse off, so why has this happened??

I just feel like my whole life has gone to shit and there’s no point in it anymore, I end up shouting at DS and feeling guilty as soon as I see his little face once I’ve done it, but ive got no patience and I’ve got no get up and go left. DS hasn’t been sleeping very well at all and there has been an abundance of family related issues on my DH’s side so maybe this is where it stems from? I’m just fed up of hearing negative things from the issues going on and I work in a place that deals with awkward customers every day, and then I get home to a barrage of washing/ironing/cleaning.

It’s not even like my DH doesn’t do anything because he will put the hoover round and cook dinner.. I don’t know, I think this is more of a rant than an AIBU now looking at it but I feel like I just want to shut myself in a black room in utter silence, has anyone else felt like this and got back up from it? I’ve got a GP appt tomorrow as I think the likelihood is they will say I’m depressed, but I don’t want tablets, I just don’t know what to do and I feel like a shit mum and like I’m bloody useless to be honest. I don’t even know what I’m asking or trying to say, I’m sorry

Title is also referring to being a good mum/getting out of a rut... Sorry seems a bit off topic after I ranted

Having a child is a massive huge gargantuan change in our lives.

You sound like you are just hitting the lowest point of the change....sadness / depression.

You will pull through this, you adapt, make the best of the little time you have to yourself, communicate and experiment with new adaptations of your life with your DH....and soon enough you will have a life where you don't necessarily want the old life back!

This might seem a bit left field, but have you changed your contraception recently?

You sound just how I was three months in to a Mirena coil

@mooncuplanding thank you - I think I am but I just don’t understand why this is 2 years down the line.. I really thought I’d got myself sorted and I just feel like I’ve suddenly completely lost my way and I’ve got no self confidence in myself :(

@flingingmelon - I wish this was the case, I’m like that on the pill but we use condoms to avoid that, think I’m just a nut job in general

Your doctor may well offer you talking therapy which may well be what you need. Also do you have anyone who could look after your child for a couple of days? Then you could take some you time and get get the house tidy.My in laws did that for me and it's still much .appreciated (we live nearer them than my dad ,mum passed away when DD was a baby)

Depression can also be a symptom of low vitamin d, where your gp can give you vitamin tablets to recover your vitamin d levels.

I can remember feeling like this when my children were young (teenagers now). It does sounds like depression so well done for going to the GP. It also sounds like exhaustion, as in severe sleep deprivation. I had a bit of a break through when I kept a simple sleep diary, noting the time when I turned out the light and then again when I woke/was woken by crying baby/toddler. I had known it was bad but seeing it in black and white on paper was eye-opening. I was getting a maximum of 5 hours sleep a night, and never a straight stretch of more than four hours. It made it so clear that I wasn't a failure, I simply needed more sleep. Could this be the real problem for you? Just getting enough sleep makes SO MUCH difference to your ability to cope with stuff. I did two things - made sleep a priority (another mum told me to put all my ironing in bin bags under the bed and forget about it for a few days) and negotiated some "me time" with my DH so one evening a week he looked after the kids. I only drove to a layby and sat listening to the radio but it was time off IYKWIM.
You're not a bad mum, and you are not useless, you really aren't.

If you felt fine before and nothing actually changed, maybe the negative feelings are biological? Sleep deprivation, low levels of many vitamins and minerals, even dehydration can bring on feeling like this. I have 3 DC and exhaustion can make me feel fed up like this

It sounds like there is a lot going on with you at the moment - new job, family problems, Xmas looming. My DD is 3 and I feel like I have more days now where I'm finding it a grind. She's more challenging in some ways, needs a lot more input and I can't sit down with a cup of tea like I used to as she asks so many questions, and gets upset easily etc.
Can you go out with friends for lunch, or just the movies by yourself (sitting in a dark room). Try to carve out some time for yourself.

DS hasn’t been sleeping very well at all and there has been an abundance of family related issues on my DH’s side so maybe this is where it stems from?

Broken sleep makes a huge difference to mood. If he was sleeping well and is now really not, that could be the reason all by itself.

I think two years in is when you start to feel really exhausted especially if you don't get much sleep. I seemed to get every single cough and cold going around 2 years after my second child and I just felt tired and fed up with the whole enterprise.

All I can say is that for me it has got better, I love having older children, get much more time to yourself, you can carve out space for yourself that you can't get now (to pamper yourself, read a book, see friends) and this put the fun back into life somehow. I need something outside just mothering and work anyway.

I would go back to basics- and start looking after your health and wellbeing. So, Vit D spray you can buy online, perhaps B vits, look at your diet, do you eat regularly and reasonably healthily, also can you do any walking/dancing? Book a night out or day spa with some friends? Just something to get you out of your rut and start to look after you a bit.

You could be depressed, or it could be life has been a bit shit lately and your response is fairly normal, it's also that time of year I hate. Hope it goes ok at the docs anyway.

Then you could take some you time and get get the house tidy.

That's not "you" time. That's cleaning the house time.

Sympathies though OP, it IS fucking hard. You're working 2 jobs. Is your DH definitely pulling his weight?

I have a similar aged child. I can empathise but also have some suggestions which may help. It sounds like a lot of your issues are environmental. Can you share night duty with dh so you each get an uninterrupted night every other night? The other person sleeps in spare room or on sofa. Do you need to work more hours, that will leave you with less time for housework. It sounds like you are in charge of the house while your dh helps a bit, can you make things more equal. Google the mental load cartoon and show it to him. Look at where your money is going. Moneysavingexpert.com do a money makeover that will save you thousands Are your finances pooled with dh? They should be. Can you get a cleaner? Can you have some time to yourself every week, just for you to get a break. Doesn't need to be expensive, even a walk can help. Re the shouting, self care will help, the book How To Talk So Little Kids will Listen is (unsuprisingly) brilliant for getting them to listen. I think it feels like it should be easier by now, and it's not really is it? Is that at the route of things, do you think? Self care is the key, prioritise sleep whenever you can (advice I wish I took myself more often)

I've been feeling the same recently but I have a 14 month old and a 2.7 year old. My house is constantly a mess, I never seem to get straight, I can't remember the last time I saw the bottom of the wash basket, the ironing pile is a mountain, I have an OP who works 6 days a week and out of the house from 6am until 8pm (and he isn't well paid!!), all housework, shopping, tidying falls on me.

I can't remember the last time I went to the gym, a spa, had a shopping day just for me or time just to myself. I think I'm doing well if I manage to shower and get dressed as my little ones follow me constantly and are both terrible sleepers.

No practical advice just sympathy :(

you may need to look at it in a different way - you have created and are bringing up a whole new person. If you think of what you have made compared to some spa treatments etc, you might value what you have achieved more. It is very very hard, but a few years down the line you'll be reaping the benefits.

I found the toddler stage wearing. They consume so much attention in keeping them safe/ entertained/ not tantruming etc.

Not much help for the immediate future, but it does get so much easier as they develop a bit more independence, sense and complexity of personality.

In the last year with my youngest being 4, I feel more like my previous self again. Little things like having some headspace to cope with reading books fairly regularly. That may feel like an absolute age away now but the way you're feeling with regard to yourself and parenting is a phase and will change. Any of the other suggestions from other posters will help get you through it.

Wow thank you all for your responses - I really wasn’t expecting this much from just having a bit of a whinge, just didn’t know where else to turn, DH is very supportive and I’ve had a little cry and he’s been there for me but I just sometimes feel as if he doesn’t really truly understand the workload that washing etc is.

@goose1964 the embarrassing thing is he goes to nursery whilst I work, so work is my ‘break’ but I guess I don’t really have that much alone time, and when DH has taken him out for a few hours, it’s always because I have things to catch up on, it’s never so I can just have time to myself.

@nutbrownhare15 - DH has the lions share of the bills and all outgoings as he earns significantly more than me, but the cleaner idea I’m a bit funny about - in my own silly mind I’ll be admitting defeat, other mums can do it - why can’t I? Sort of thing.

@Ivehadtonamechangeforthis I feel for you me and DH have been discussing having another, this seemed a good idea a few months ago, but now I find myself wondering if I could even cope with two - you’re already twice the woman I am!

@mrwalkensir I do fully appreciate what I have and he is my biggest achievement I just went into it a bit to easy I think and now it’s all come back to bite me in the ass as I’m struggling :(

Thank you all for your health related advice, perhaps I am low on something - I’ll talk to GP about this tomorrow, too.

Just remember this too shall pass. Soon they'll be leaving home!

mooncuplanding - massive - huge - gargantuan- tautology!!!

Get a cleaner. Think of it as creating a job for someone. You get your car serviced by professionals, why not your house?

I'm getting a cleaner in January. I cam understand feeling funny about it but ultimately if it helps my mental health it's priceless for me and my family.

If you can afford it, get a cleaner. That's giving someone else, who needs it, some money.
Schedule at least one hour a week where you go and do something that is for yourbenefit: not childcare, not chores, but something that gives you pleasure.
And do talk to the GP. Lack of sleep is going to be part of the problem, but PND can also set in a while after the birth.
And . It's hard work having little kids, but it does get better.

sorry - just realised that might sound harsh -- was meaning to say be easier on yourself!

Vitamin D, Thyroid, could be lots of things biological. Your Vit D should be at least 70-100 mol.

When my kids were your age I found myself getting increasingly anxious and ratty, and a lot was to do with ideas about what I should be achieving. I am a lot less pressurized now, the house is dirtier and less organised, but I am much happier for stopping the judgements on myself. (ie no ironing, no deep cleaning, no fancy meals, lots of oven chips in emergencies, veg box delivery and milk delivery all help)

You oh seems very supportive. Arrange a weekly set time when its just 'for you' to do anything you want to (but not cleaning )

Sleep, go out for a walk, get a coffee, shop, read, MN, go to the gym. I have no clue what you want to do but you need it x