AIBU to ask how the f**k you do this???

[JimmyChooChooChoo]

I am a mum of a gorgeous just 2 1/2 year old and I am very very lucky to have him and I know this. I’m with DH who is also his dad, we have a lovely home and I should be happy... but I’m not.

I’m not happy and I don’t know what to do about it, I just feel like I’ve got no time to myself, I’m always doing something for someone else... and I know that’s to be expected but I’ve only recently started feeling like this. Before I felt like I had my shit together and I was really a great Mum and wife but now I just feel like I’m irritated all the time.

I’m irritated that my house is never clean, I’m irritated that I feel like I can’t cope with anything!
I used to have time for the gym and for spa treatments, I used to have the money for my hair to be done - and this is since DS was born and I’ve changed jobs to working more days to get more money and yet I seem worse off, so why has this happened??

I just feel like my whole life has gone to shit and there’s no point in it anymore, I end up shouting at DS and feeling guilty as soon as I see his little face once I’ve done it, but ive got no patience and I’ve got no get up and go left. DS hasn’t been sleeping very well at all and there has been an abundance of family related issues on my DH’s side so maybe this is where it stems from? I’m just fed up of hearing negative things from the issues going on and I work in a place that deals with awkward customers every day, and then I get home to a barrage of washing/ironing/cleaning.

It’s not even like my DH doesn’t do anything because he will put the hoover round and cook dinner.. I don’t know, I think this is more of a rant than an AIBU now looking at it but I feel like I just want to shut myself in a black room in utter silence, has anyone else felt like this and got back up from it? I’ve got a GP appt tomorrow as I think the likelihood is they will say I’m depressed, but I don’t want tablets, I just don’t know what to do and I feel like a shit mum and like I’m bloody useless to be honest. I don’t even know what I’m asking or trying to say, I’m sorry

and you don't need gym and spa treatments when you are runnign around after a toddler and going swimming with them (perhaps) Ihaven'tworried about my hair for ages btw. I think when you are a mum you become a new you, a new improved you, but it might be a different idea of "improved".

oh OP I've no advice but I could have written your post today, I really could, every single word. I feel a bit weepy reading the replies actually, even though they're not for me! It is bloody hard sometimes, isn't it.

I haven't fully acted on it yet but I do agree with some PP that low vitamin (D and B12 for me) do make me feel really depressed. So I must sort some supplements out.

Anyway, if I think of something useful to say, I'll post it... in the meantime, I'm here in solidarity!

You really might not need ADs,I certainly didn't, but a bit of thinking things through and lots of being outside and LOTS of Vit D thyroxine did the trick (I was low on thyroxine btw, can be triggered by pregnancy or stress, as can lots of autoimmune disorders)

You need to do something nice for yourself. I recommend exercise as the best cheerer upper, boring as that sounds.

Or can you change jobs to something more fun?

I do think you go through good and bad periods as a parent - some bits are shit and some are nice. So make an effort to cheer yourself up with nice things (food, a mag, a massage, a scented candle), exercise (yoga and running do it for me), and I agree with a PP about vitamin d - I buy drops online which have definitely helped improve my mood.

Xx

Having a cleaner is a godsend. Try it once. Forget feeling guilty about it. You’ll love it.

I remember phoning my mum one night when DS was about 2 and saying almost exactly the same things. I'll never forget what she said - she told me to go to the doctor and discuss with them, but she also said that sometimes you 'need to give in to the chaos that comes with having a toddler'.

It really made me think. It's such an innocuous comment but I just started to realise that I couldn't make everything 'perfect' and that, actually, that doesn't matter at all. Look after yourself and don't feel bad that you 'should' be happy, sometimes we really can't control how we feel.

Children are hard work!

There are times when you take one step forward and life takes you two steps back.

It does get better and the relentlessness either lessens or one gets used to it.

The time of year, weather, darkness, pressure, Christmas etc don’t help your cause at all either.

We used to reclaim the house once they’d gone to bed, and just concentrate on one room being nice.

Are you able to get out and meet other parents with similarly aged children? You’ll find many of them feel the same way - once they open up.

All the best.

Children are hard work!

There are times when you take one step forward and life takes you two steps back.

It does get better and the relentlessness either lessens or one gets used to it.

The time of year, weather, darkness, pressure, Christmas etc don’t help your cause at all either.

We used to reclaim the house once they’d gone to bed, and just concentrate on one room being nice.

Are you able to get out and meet other parents with similarly aged children? You’ll find many of them feel the same way - once they open up.

All the best.

Take it easy on yourself. Vit D and the sun and time of year and stressed and all of what everyone else said.

On a practical note, when DS was that age we had a big wicker hamper type thing in the sitting room (not ugly) and everything that belonged to him got chucked in there (with him kind of helping) at the end of the day.

I used to spend so much time washing and drying and putting away his clothes. But when he started school I made him change out of his uniform as soon as he got home (trousers might have been too far gone sometimes but the rest was OK). A moment of genius made me realise this can be done with all clothes - so at home at weekend he could be wearing the same grubby sweatshirt and tracksuit bottoms all weekend, unless he or we are going somewhere. And when he gets home, the nice clean clothes go back into the drawer and the previously worn thing goes on again. Clean vest, underpants and socks every day. But not the rest of it. I think when he was a toddler I was insane putting spotless clothes on him every single day and changing them more. Now if he is wearing something that is still unstained I make him take it off before eating lasagne or something. I've dramatically cut down on washing this way.

As somebody whose Son died at birth I have never experienced those things you have described in your post.

However my wife and I would give anything to have those problems you describe, sometimes you need to step back and realise what you have.

making Christmas "perfect" and realising it is just a whole lot more work added onto your usual work, can also be a bit....undermining I really used to feel very depressed about the run up to Christmas, and then guilty because it was supposed to be "magical". Again, I had to lower my expectations on that one too (the kids never eat the fancier bits of Christmas food you have slaved over either)

Like plimsolls, I could have written your post, except I have 3 children (10, 8 & nearly 12m). I felt in the depths of despair (to quote a favourite heroine!) this weekend. I love my children but I'm ashamed to say that, this weekend, I wrote a list of all the things I hate about my life - here's some of the highlights:-

• I'm just a drudge - endless cleaning, washing, putting away clothes, shopping, making meals, sorting shit out - it's just relentless, day after day
• I resent my children. This is hard to admit and I don't want to feel like this but I resent that they get to come home and kill about and watch tv and I come in and get cracking with the tea/sort washing/another job. Sometimes in the mornings, I'm so busy, I don't even have a drink until after I've taken them to school.
• I resent my Mum. She's retired and spends her time going out for lunch and haircuts and walking groups and I don't want to feel like this but I'm so feckin jealous.
• I can't remember the last time I smiled or laughed properly.
• My stupid broken bed. Can't afford a new one. Keep rolling over and collapsing to the floor.
• Christmas. What a feckin hassle full stop.

...there was a lot more.

On the things I love about my life there were 2 things

• Cups of tea
• Sleep

I don't think I'm depressed. I think I'm hormonal and really tired and stressed and feeling behind with everything and absolutely bone shattering exhausted.

I want to go away for a few days but I'm still feeding the baby and I don't want that to be the reason we stop. Plus I can't afford it.

I get you. I am trying very hard to remember how lucky I am. We have 3 healthy beautiful children, jobs, a roof over our heads (albeit far too small a roof), transport, families, a family Christmas planned, ice-cream in the freezer, Netflix.

This too shall pass. I know I'll pine for these days when they are gone.

I completely get this. Dc also the same age. I work part time in a lesser role than I had before. I'm bored but a flexible job means I'm stuck. I do have a cleaner. Despite working 7 days out of 14. I hate cleaning, but like the house to be clean. It's a no brainer for me.
If there is a problem can throw money or time at it. I don't have much of the former but less of the latter

I'm also on ADs.

LALexander I am so sorry for your loss. I certainly appreciate everything the children bring, and the chaos too, and I'm sure the OP does, but depression can be quite crippling, for whatever reason it is there. I know we are all lucky to even have roofs over our heads,jobs,heating, food, clothes, education. I am so so sorry, and I hope the blessing of children will come to your and your wife if that is at all possible, even if your son is irreplaceable.

*loll about, not kill about ^^ a couple of posts above!

LAlexander7, I'm so sorry for your loss. Apologies, I hadn't seen your post before posting.

Thank you all so so much, I will come back tomorrow to write back/update to all of you but just got into bed shattered so I’m going to try and get to sleep before DS wakes up!

@LAlexander7 I am so, so sorry for your loss, as @knittingwithnettles said I do really appreciate my son and I think that’s even the reason why I’m so hard on myself, because I know there are people out there like yourself that are desperate to say the words I’m saying, that said, sometimes it’s really tough to see things clearly when times are really hard. I can assure you I really do value and cherish him, as I said at the start of my OP I know I’m very very lucky to have him, I just came here for advice.

I just wanted to say that I sympathize. I'm a single mum to a two and a half year old dd and I'm finding it so hard at the moment. I was working full time until recently but now I'm unemployed and so unhappy. It's just relentless nappy changing, behaviour management, answersing questions on anything and everything, tidying, washing, entertaining. And I hate to say it but I get no enjoyment out of this experience even though I love my daughter more than anything. I'm so tired and drained. I don't have a minute to myself. I can't even sleep by myself as my daughter won't sleep at the moment unless she's in my bed. I just feel so fed up.

Just to reiterate PP. Get your iron levels vitamin d and tyrosine levels checked (TSH test) It is very common. For any/all of them to crater in the 3 or so years after childbirth and they have a massive impact on happiness and energy levels

Bugger auto correct. Thyroxine levels

How are you doing @JimmyChooChooChoo? I hope you're ok. I'm feeling better this week - mine was 90% hormonal I think!