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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Competitive parenting

72 replies

Lime19 · 10/12/2017 17:21

Aibu to think competitive parenting is getting out of hand. It really gets to me and takes the enjoyment out of parenting. Makes me feel very at the whole experience. I have a son and am expecting twins in the new year.

So far I've had the following:

-odd comments when I'm saying I'm having twins "well I'm having a third baby too" before a congratulations is barely said, as if it's a competition about the quantity of kids. I'm not sure anyone would pick twins, it's got so many added risks and to be honest I'm petrified of giving birth early and the prospect of a lengthy stay in nicu.

-how much your baby weighed... "well my baby weighed 10lb and put on a 1lb a week" etc as if it's some sort of achievement. It's really not, it's just genetics surely?!

Then of course there's the standard competition over the following:

-how quickly you got pregnant
-how terrible your birth was "I needed 400 stitches and pushed for 50 hours"
-breastfeeding
-milestones
-childcare vs stay at home
-even weaning "well my baby started feeding himself at 4 months, baby led weaning of course not purée"

It's the one bit of parenting that I can't stand! It only serves to make people feel shit. So I had an average sized baby, that walked late and was fed purée, does that make me less successful as a parent?

OP posts:

Winebottle · 10/12/2017 19:58

I haven't really noticed it.

I think people are just much more interested in talking about their own kids than other people's.

I don't think people try to outdo others and make themselves feel superior, they just like to turn the conversation back to their own kids because from their point of view, it is more interesting.

SleepFreeZone · 10/12/2017 20:01

I have one friend who's a total bragasaurus on Facebook. Otherwise everyone else is lovely.

katycb · 10/12/2017 20:03

Op when you have your twins you open yourself up to a new level of daft questions about twins from strangers like are they "natural" do they run in your family, are they I'd? Then someone tells you that their neighbour had quads at home in the bath with just aromatherapy oils for pain relief...just smile and nod. However DO find a local twins group..they are fab, no-one has time to be competitive!

MycatsaPirate · 10/12/2017 20:05

I overhead two women sat behind me the other week - they were in their 70's and were STILL competitive parenting!

My son has just moved jobs. He's earning x amount now, he can speak three languages fluently.

Other woman: My son can speak five languages. He's doing ever so well. And his wife has given us three lovely grandchildren.

I can just imagine what these two were like years ago when their dc were little if that's what they are like now.

happy2bhomely · 10/12/2017 20:09

Competing or comparing?

I have 5dc, you have 1. Comparing.
I am so much more tired than you because I have 5. Competing.
My baby weighed 11lbs, yours weighed 7. Comparing.
My labour was so much harder than yours. Competing.
I like to cook, you don't like to cook. Comparing.
I only cook healthy food. I would never feed what you are feeding, Competing.

I think lots of conversation can involve harmless comparing which can lead to competing. I also think we can sometimes see a competition where there is none when we are feeling sensitive.

So a mum saying that her baby slept for 8 hours can feel like a slap in the face to a sleep deprived mum.

A mum complementing a baby's full head of hair can feel like a slight to a mum who is in earshot with her bald baby.

Obviously, some people are just arseholes but I think they are the exception.

SnugglySnerd · 10/12/2017 20:13

Oh yes the daft twin questions! I have boy/girl twins and am asked at least weekly if they are identical!

ByThePowerOfRa · 10/12/2017 20:18

So a mum saying that her baby slept for 8 hours can feel like a slap in the face to a sleep deprived mum.

Also though, if someone says their dc woke up every two hours last night and someone else then says their dc woke up every 90 mins, that sounds competitive too if you’re feeling a little sensitive.

ifcatscouldtalk · 10/12/2017 20:22

The men in the office I work in are so boastful about their children it reaches cringe levels.
My worse week ever was when daughter was in year 6 and 5 of us had children sitting SATS that week.
I am very honest and when drawn into a conversation I said " well, she's good and English but struggles a lot with maths. As long as she tries her best, that's all I ask of her."
You'd have thought a nasty smell had been let off in the room. Admitting my child isn't a genius.... How distasteful of me..

ifcatscouldtalk · 10/12/2017 20:23

*at English

katycb · 10/12/2017 20:25

Snugglysnerd mine are very identical girls I often when they were babies used to get "Lovely one of each"...And I still get random questions about their conception whilst pushing a trolley round Sainsburys!

TheEagle · 10/12/2017 20:30

gunpowder ! Twins That ttc thread we were on all those moons ago must have had some kind of twin witchcraft!

OP, competitive parenting between twin parents and parents of singletons is a whole other level again and will drive you daft.

When people tell me how awful it must be to have twins and ask how on earth did I cope with 3 children under 2 etc etc etc I just smile and nod and try to turn it into a positive situation.

Good luck with your twin pregnancy, honestly don’t listen to the naysayers or those who want to compete.

Blahblahblahzeeblah · 10/12/2017 20:32

Being a twin mum makes it more tricky I'm afraid. Everyone wonders how the heck you do it (I felt the same way when I had my first born) and for some reason some women feel the need to prove themselves to you.
Good luck with your pregnancy. I spent mine terrified they'd come early too but it all worked out fine in the end.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 10/12/2017 20:32

I thought I didn't do this... until competitive misery was mentioned! I probably did do that but it was totally justified because no child has ever slept less than ds did in his first year.

I actually find it very hard to know what to say when someone compliments ds... I am so afraid of sounding like I'm bragging that I immediately start listing all the things he can't do!

Callamia · 10/12/2017 20:36

lowdoor, I live in London. I’ve not really found much competitiveness (although my eldest is still at pre-school), I think we’re all too pleased to have human contact outside of work to try and scare away people who might hang out with us. There’s also a definite sense of relief that our children are quite similar, maybe from not having much family network or previous experience of children?

Spartaca · 10/12/2017 20:38

But are people boasting or just talking?

ILoveMillhousesDad · 10/12/2017 20:39

I think I must live in an alternate universe.

I've not encountered competitive parenting.

I actually like the mums from school.

There is no 'queen bee' and everyone seems to get on.

Nobody is braggy about their kids. Just proud when they have done something noteworthy.

I think if people just took things at face value, they would be much less bothered about shit like this.

Lambbone · 10/12/2017 20:49

WTF is a pen licence? (From a pp)

TabbyMumz · 10/12/2017 21:02

Cuppasarah......ah ok, sorry, I'm just a bit tetchy about overpraisers over tweeting at the moment...one particular mum I know tweets regularly how amazing her DD is at a sport she takes part in (when really she isn't all that amazing). The school retweets it, adding gushing remarks etc, when there are several other kids doing the same sport at the school who are mile's better than her (but they don't get a mention.) I also used to be wound up by Xmas school plays when the same kids got the lead all the time and my kid never got a single line the whole time he was there.

TheEagle · 10/12/2017 21:04

lambbone, often in primary schools children get their “pen licence” (basically they are allowed to complete all their work in pen!) when they attain a certain level of handwriting.

Tedster77 · 10/12/2017 21:12

My kids are teenagers now but I’ve honestly never come across competitive parenting. Maybe being removed from the baby clinic and tranquilised put paid to that....

theymademejoin · 10/12/2017 21:16

A neighbour used to do that. His son was a month younger than my daughter. He would go on about his son doing 500 piece jigsaws at age 7 (or whatever age they were) so I used to amuse myself by upping the ante. He'd tell me about the 500 piece puzzle and I'd say "oh yes it's great how good they are at puzzles at that age. Dd had just done a 5000 piece one" or he'd tell me about his ds reading the hobbit and I'd say my dd had just finished war and peace etc. The more he did it, the more ridiculous I got in my response.

I think he eventually copped that I was taking the piss!

CuppaSarah · 10/12/2017 22:10

Ugh Tabby that sounds awful, screw that! I certainly do brag about my kids, but to my parents and husband and certainly not on Facebook, it's just so cringey.

I'm so glad it's a small school so every child gets a line. It's so unfair to not let them all have a chance to perform. It's such a great confidence booster. Of course time will only tell if the same children are always picked.

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