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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Competitive parenting

72 replies

Lime19 · 10/12/2017 17:21

Aibu to think competitive parenting is getting out of hand. It really gets to me and takes the enjoyment out of parenting. Makes me feel very Hmm at the whole experience. I have a son and am expecting twins in the new year.

So far I've had the following:

-odd comments when I'm saying I'm having twins "well I'm having a third baby too" before a congratulations is barely said, as if it's a competition about the quantity of kids. I'm not sure anyone would pick twins, it's got so many added risks and to be honest I'm petrified of giving birth early and the prospect of a lengthy stay in nicu.

-how much your baby weighed... "well my baby weighed 10lb and put on a 1lb a week" etc as if it's some sort of achievement. It's really not, it's just genetics surely?!

Then of course there's the standard competition over the following:

-how quickly you got pregnant
-how terrible your birth was "I needed 400 stitches and pushed for 50 hours"
-breastfeeding
-milestones
-childcare vs stay at home
-even weaning "well my baby started feeding himself at 4 months, baby led weaning of course not purée"

It's the one bit of parenting that I can't stand! It only serves to make people feel shit. So I had an average sized baby, that walked late and was fed purée, does that make me less successful as a parent?

OP posts:
Lethaldrizzle · 10/12/2017 18:40

But why would anyone take this sort of stuff seriously?!

Crumbs1 · 10/12/2017 18:43

I think it’s always been thus. We’re all usually proud of our own and our children’s achievements and that is surely entirely reasonable. I do tend to be a bit odd about congratulating people who are pregnant as all they’ve done is have sex.

thecatsarecrazy · 10/12/2017 18:46

You always get this.
Oh my child will eat anything
My child has been walking for ages
My child doesn't have trouble putting on weight hes huge ( said to me when my baby was in hospital due to failure to thrive) yes love but yours doesnt have a floppy larynx.
I have 3 children they all develop at their own rates. I have learnt to ignore.

Original poster
Lime19 · 10/12/2017 18:47

I think I'm just particularly sensitive about it at moment because we are expecting twins. It's not really anything clever, it's just luck. I think some people are jealous and some of the comments are very, very strange! "My bump looks same as yours and I only had one" said to me at playgroup as an example... are we seriously getting competitive about who has the biggest bump now?

OP posts:
lljkk · 10/12/2017 18:47

I'm not getting this thread.
How can people have conversation without some comparisons happening; does every verbal comparison have to be interpreted as competitive??

DS was the first crawler or walker in our baby group. I thought the other mums regarded him with horror not envy.

Besides, pointlessly competitive people are hillarious. Just spin them a bit of rope to brag as much as they like. Sit back & people watch.

Gunpowder · 10/12/2017 18:47

Meh don’t worry. I had this with my singletons. Was very annoying.
I’ve just had twins. IME everyone thinks twins trump practically everything and people are too busy feeling sorry for you to try and compete.

CuppaSarah · 10/12/2017 18:47

Tabby no, I didn't even know she was the lead till a few days ago because dd won't tell me anything about it! When I found out I suddenly clicked why a few mums ignored me ever since the parts were given out. Even now if anyone asks I don't make a big thing of it, I'm thrilled for her but I'm thrilled for all the children and so excited to see them all have their big moment! They've all worked so hard on it.

Lowdoorinthewal1 · 10/12/2017 18:49

It's not reasonable to enjoy your child's achievements more by pointing out, or implying, that they are better than somebody elses.

That just makes you look like a dick.

TropicPlunder · 10/12/2017 18:49

I normally reply with 'hmmm I don't even know at what age I could sit/crawl/walk/read....it doesn't seem to...matter ' or make some reference to the wondrous childhood achievement not being on my cv ..

justasking123 · 10/12/2017 18:50

Get over yourself! How is this being competitive? If you don't want to reply, don't reply, but to me seems like normal conversation!

thepatchworkcat · 10/12/2017 18:51

But not everyone’s like this though. I’m not and I haven’t come across it much in real life at all. It’s a shame that this sort of thing has put some of you off having ‘mum’ friends.

Original poster
Lime19 · 10/12/2017 18:54

But some of the things are odd to get competitive about. As someone with fertility issues, boasting about having sex once to get a baby is very insensitive. It's luck, nothing else!

Same with these milestones. Every kid develops at their own rate.

When I'm with parents I like to talk about other stuff not just kids. Being a mum isn't all I am!

OP posts:
SnugglySnerd · 10/12/2017 18:58

I was about to post what gunpowder said. I had a singleton then twins. Gave up on baby groups with the twins because nobody felt they could moan about their sleepless nights etc in front of me because they think it must be so much worse with twins. I remember how important it was to be able to meet up and moan sometimes so I stopped going.

justasking123 · 10/12/2017 19:00

I doubt that all the parents you came across only talk about kids, all the time... I think you are paranoid, really!

Original poster
Lime19 · 10/12/2017 19:05

Justasking, being told I'm paranoid and "to get over myself" is not nice. Many parents on this thread have reported similar competitive parents. We can't all be paranoid!

OP posts:
justasking123 · 10/12/2017 19:10

Yes but this is not actually competitive parenting is it?... that is all in your head

Jerseysilkvelour · 10/12/2017 19:11

You wait until you get to the school gates. And the competitive birthday parties HmmConfusedShock

Original poster
Lime19 · 10/12/2017 19:13

Boasting about the weight of a baby like it's an achievement is odd behaviour. Same with milestones. It's not all in my head. It's odd conversation and I'd rather talk about other topics.

I think previous posters have it right. Social media doesn't help, and it's way worse in some areas of country it seems.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lime19 · 10/12/2017 19:14

I'm sad it seems to get worse at school. But was surprised boasting etc starts from as soon as you get pregnant! It's crazy!

OP posts:
CautionTape · 10/12/2017 19:16

OP having twins will give you a free passGrin.

You won't be able to do half the shit that people compete about and you will care much much less.

Secretly, you will consider yourself an absolute boss for doing the basics.

And when they get to adulthood you will sit back and laugh at all the ridiculous that other folk indulged in.

ZzzMarchhare · 10/12/2017 19:26

My mum had a group of friends that all a grandchild the same time - we don't know each other.
Apparently my son was best in every category but the last to sleep though Grin
I sent her a text the first time ds had a full toddler strop in the supermarket- telling her to check we were 'advanced ' he was.
He's now not sporty

Lizzie48 · 10/12/2017 19:28

Certainly competitive potty training used to happen. I mean, what does it really matter that your kid was dry daytime by 18 months?? At that age, it's only happening because you're following them with a potty, not because they're really aware of what they're doing!!

It's not easy to get sucked in to it though, seriously, OP. You should just change the subject if you don't want to talk about milestones. It only happens because it's the one thing you've got in common that you're aware of.

tinypop4 · 10/12/2017 19:38

I am either entirely oblivious or this just doesn't happen round my parts. Mind you, I'm not one for the school gates as I work most days, and on the day I don't I just scoop them up and go!
Not really noticed competitive parenting though.

DorisDangleberry · 10/12/2017 19:41

I think you are being over sensitive. I’ve checked with my 4 year old (who by the way already has 9 GCSEs) and she says that just because you haven’t sired a genius yet it doesn’t mean you won’t in the future. As long as you keep eating organic kale for every meal.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 10/12/2017 19:47

Wait. You can buy a 'screen free and happy' t shirt......pmsl