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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset by DD behaviour around dh

29 replies

Candyfloss1122 · 10/12/2017 15:13

Posting here for traffic as feeling desperately low today.
Does anybody else find this...
I have a 10 month old DD and I am a stay at home mum. During the week I am the sole care giver for DD and she can be very very clingy with me. I have given up trying to do anything during the week as she will cry if I leave the room, or cling to my ankles if I try to do anything like wash bottles etc. Even going to the toilet usually means taking her with me in order to not have to listen to her cry the whole time.

At the weekends however, it's a different story. When dh is here she is good as gold. She will play and chat away at her toy box, watch him as he washes dishes etc and is generally anl pleasure to be around.

What am I doing wrong sad I have had enough today, it makes me feel like I'm a terrible mum. Dh never sees what my weeks are actually like and how exhausting it all is because she isn't like it when he is around.

Please don't interpret this as me not wanting her to be close to her dad, that couldn't be further from the truth. I just feel like I live in the twilight zone where all my frustrations from the week are non existent at the weekend, and dh trots off to work thinking I have another blissful day ahead of me and it just isn't so.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 10/12/2017 15:14

This will sound a bit weird but could you film some of how she is during the week to show him?

miniloco · 10/12/2017 15:17

Snap! But my husband has seen it for himself. I'll be in the room with her and she's grumping and moaning , until I pick her up. But we can swap places and she'll happily play with toys and crawl about. She's also 10 months. There are definite differences in the way she is around me.

miniloco · 10/12/2017 15:18

For what it's worth I don't think we're doing anything wrong. On days that are particularly bad I'll pop her in my sling and she's much more content.

Original poster
Candyfloss1122 · 10/12/2017 15:20

@Minilocoi wish I could use my sling.... currently also nearly 6 months pregnant so not an option:(

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 10/12/2017 15:20

What's she like when you and he are both in the room/house?

EB123 · 10/12/2017 15:20

It sounds like she has separation anxiety with you which is normal. Just take her with you to the toilet etc, when you need to wash bottles have her in her highchair and give her a snack to keep her entertained. She will grow out of it.

.

SundaySalon · 10/12/2017 15:21

I had this with my DS, it’s really disheartening when they behave so well for others. It was actually my MIL who had him during the week occasionally and he would be fine with her. I think the fact she stopped what she was doing the entire time he was there was the reason there was never any problems. Obviously we don’t get to do that and the washing, cleaning and cooking still needs to be done.

I found my DS was much more attentive and well behaved when we did structured play, have you tried tiring her out at baby groups? I took DS to my sure start centre twice a week and did the home stuff whilst he was sleeping/ watching a show.

It’s really tough, it will get better. My son is in nursery Now and he plays alone 80% of the time after school, he only needs me for things he can’t quite manage like crafts or drawing.

It sounds cliched but taking everyday as it come or even every hour is much easier than waking up on Monday and looking down the barrel of a whole week struggling through.

Original poster
Candyfloss1122 · 10/12/2017 15:25

@mybrillianydisguise she is generally fine when we are both here... although will occasionally crawl and reach for me to sit on my lap for 5 minutes and then she is off again.
When it is just me and her in the week if 1 limb is not in direct contact at all times it's like the world has ended.

I don't mind that she clings to me, but I mind that dh never sees what I'm dealing with if that makes sense.

He must think I make up everything I complain about during the week because she is a completely different baby at the weekend.

OP posts:
booboobutt · 10/12/2017 15:47

My daughter is still like this at nearly 3! The only difference is she walks to the toilet with me rather than me carrying her!

Sorry op, I've no advice other than to say it sounds completely normal!

Auvergne · 10/12/2017 15:49

Has he actually said he doesn’t believe you?

I’m trying to put this nicely but it does all sound a bit dramatic and as if you’re taking it all quite personally.

Ragwort · 10/12/2017 15:52

Sometimes you just need to let your baby cry, it's crazy to get into the habit of not going to the toilet on your own, or not being able to leave the room. Just let her cry - what's the worse that's going to happen? She will learn that you are coming back.

It will be even harder when you have 2 under 2? (Are you mad Grin?)

claraschu · 10/12/2017 16:00

This is a very typical developmental phase OP, and shows that your daughter is learning and growing in exactly the way she should!

There is another clingy phase at some point between 1 year and 18 months. Babies need to go through these phases, and then they have a mental growth spurt, as far as I can remember.

claraschu · 10/12/2017 16:02

Oh here is a link with a little information about this phase, in case you think I am making it up...
www.babycentre.co.uk/a6577/developmental-milestones-separation-and-independence-in-babies

Pengggwn · 10/12/2017 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhNoFuckADuck · 10/12/2017 16:10

Just wondering if you get a bit stressed when you need to leave her for a short time in the week (because she is so clingy and you expect her to cry) and she is picking up on this... and that is making her anxious and clingier than she is her dad is there?

PerspicaciaTick · 10/12/2017 16:34

It is normal.
Arrange a day out for yourself, leaving DH as sole carer for the day. It might give him a little insight into how your DD is for you.

Original poster
Candyfloss1122 · 10/12/2017 16:49

Very helpful @auvergne... regardless of whether I am being dramatic or not, and I don't believe I am, I'm feeling pretty low right now. Perhaps this isn't the thread for you.

Thank you to everyone else, I hope it is a sign she is attached to me rather than the opposite which is how it is making me feel right now.

I try not to be stressed around her and most of my friends say I'm quite chilled...een though I don't feel it inside, so I hope it isn't rubbing off on her.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/12/2017 16:50

I agree with sometimes letting her cry. I’m not into sleep training or anything like that but you’re not going to be able to keep this up when Number 2 arrives so maybe it’s time to wee solo.

lookingforthecorkscrew · 10/12/2017 16:51

My screaming 3yo threw himself repeatedly against the toilet door yelling ‘Come OUT’ when I dared lock myself in there for a solo poo last week. Its totally normal - and it waxes and wanes!

BatShite · 10/12/2017 17:02

This still happens even now with my kids, and they are 3 and 5. Angels with anyone except me (ie. when they go to my parents for the night, or with DH) so I do think it must be something I am doing differently. Just haven;t found yet quite what I do do differently, as from asking and observing, it seems we all treat them the same. Very annoying.

Does sound like separation anxiety with your child though, given the age.

Bettercallsaul1 · 10/12/2017 17:18

It may be that the weekends - with two adults around instead of one - are just more entertaining for your baby! After all, there are two of you, talking and interacting with each other, for her to look at and listen to. And when she's alone with just her father, that is a novelty too - different tone of voice when he speaks to her, different "feel" when he picks her up - to a baby of ten months, these are interesting changes. And even though she sees her father during the week, it probably isn't for long enough for her to start taking him for granted.

During the week, when she's with you, you are her only human entertainment - and so she constantly demands attention and interaction. You are naturally trying to get on with other things - cooking, housework etc so you feel stretched trying to respond to your ten-month-old too. And babies sense this, and demand more, making you feel even more stressed! It can be exhausting being the sole carer of a baby this age for five days in a row each week.

A lot of the problem is just her age - ten-month-olds can't entertain themselves for very long so they're not at the stage where you can leave them to play on their own. I would just chat (and sing!) to her as you go about the essentials and then head out for some distraction - the park, the shops, soft play. Hopefully, when you get home again, the change of scene will have done some good in settling her. And let your husband have sole charge sometimes at weekends, so that you can have a complete break and recharge your batteries.

becotide · 10/12/2017 17:18

She's just more attached to you than she is to him

Auvergne · 10/12/2017 17:21

Candy, I wasn’t trying to be unhelpful. When I overreact to small things, or start to take inanimate things as a personal slight, I can tell my mood is low.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 10/12/2017 17:31

This is a bloody awful age for separation anxiety. It is difficult, but you aren’t doing anything wrong. It’s a sign of a strong attachment.

If she’s happy enough with DH, could you take a bit of time out to do something just for you?

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