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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to find this really offensive

29 replies

Bigfoot1 · 09/12/2017 23:28

I work in a male dominated career. Very drunk, much older male colleague has just turned to a stone cold sober me (feeling under the weather and driving) on a works xmas night out...
"Well if you need anyone to rub some Vicks into your chest...... mind you I'd need a bloody big jar of Vicks....."

cue huge gaffaw etc

I'm feeling tired and am worried that I'm being oversensitive, but it certainly felt one step above the usual "banter".
He was more drunk that I've ever seen him and was also muttering about going off to find himself "a bird with a tight fanny"

Believe it or not, the bloke in question is normally extremely professional and very considerate towards me, and I suspect will be mortified if he remembers in the morning.
I shrugged it off and came home. I told DH who was horrified on my behalf.

AIBU to think this was more than banter.... but even so, the best course is to ignore and move on?

OP posts:

PsychoPumpkin · 09/12/2017 23:30

Eww, I hope wakes up cringing himself inside out over what he said!

RestingGrinchFace · 09/12/2017 23:30

This just sounds like a man who can'tanage his drink. Pull him aside one day to let him know that he turns into a total arse when he drinks.

aussielinda4655 · 09/12/2017 23:35

Give him the benefit of the doubt this time, { due to his drunken state} but if it happens again report him.

BunsOfAnarchy · 09/12/2017 23:42

I'd definitely have a word with him about it in the morning. Drunk or not, those are some disgusting things to say. It'll make him cringe but he needs to know this is not acceptable. Drop in that next time you'll be left no choice but to go to HR as it's deeply sexist, offensive, derogatory and unprofessional (even if it did happen outside of work, which I'm assuming as he won't have got drunk at work surely)
If he's always generally never ever like this then it could just be a a one off dickhead moment for him. But defo don't let it slide,he needs to know it's not on.

TheQueenOfWands · 09/12/2017 23:43

That's grim. I'd never look at him the same way again.

I'll tell him that too. Ask him to keep his distance from now on.

EasterRobin · 09/12/2017 23:51

Yuck, yuck, yuck. If it's a one-off, I'd ignore it but avoid being near him on future drinking occasions.

Summerisdone · 09/12/2017 23:52

I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and not hold this against him, after all many of us have had moments where with a drink we’ve turned into unsavoury characters that sober us wouldn’t much care for.

I do however think you should have a private word with him when you next see him sober, because he may be so drunk that he forgets how rude and offensive he was, and it’s good to let him know that this time you’ll let it go but that he can’t push it a next time.

newtlover · 09/12/2017 23:53

not acceptable at all
if he is normally OK I'd give him the opportunity to apologise, if not, go to HR

glitterlips1 · 10/12/2017 00:01

Sounds like a creep but then I am quite straight talking so would have probably told him that.

RaininSummer · 10/12/2017 00:10

I could almost laugh at the vicks comment but the other one was foul. People are horrid when drunk but maybe that is what is in his head when sober too.

MudCity · 10/12/2017 00:28

People come out with some awful and highly inappropriate stuff when drunk. I would let this go especially as it is hugely out of character for him.

ScreamingValenta · 10/12/2017 00:33

It's horrible, but given that he's normally OK, I would cut him some slack. Imagine him with the hangover from hell, suffering 'the fear' in full force the following day, probably biting his knuckles and gibbering in agony if he has even the slightest recollection of what he said to you - that's punishment enough!

gamerchick · 10/12/2017 00:41

He’ll cringe tomorrow. For a drunk twat he was restrained.

Let him do the hangover cringie and suffer and as for the rest of them that laughed, remind them of that when they next have a night out and you decline.

It was our works do tonight but I’m not there because the last time I was offered a ‘have a line of coke’ and declined the attempted pimping out by one lass who thought our single co worker would do with getting laid

Sometimes the small part of the brain of perfectly sensible people is darker than you thought.

They usually all get the hot flushes and the fear the next day though.

Floellabumbags · 10/12/2017 00:49

Seriously take him aside on Monday morning and get the sleazy fucker told. Drunk or not there's no excuse.

Ellie56 · 10/12/2017 01:00

What a twat.

RockinHippy · 10/12/2017 01:03

This just sounds like a man who can'tanage his drink. Pull him aside one day to let him know that he turns into a total arse when he drinks.

RGF has it spot on. It does sound like a guy who just can't handle his drink, so I would cut him some slack. That said you can't just let him get away with it, he needs to be told he turns into an arsehole when he drinks & that you do not appreciate it.

Gaudeamus · 10/12/2017 02:43

Utterly repellent.

If you have the nerve I hope you do tell him, because he needs to realise that as a sickening, lecherous sexist he needs to control his consumption to avoid being sued.

Knowing that a colleague had been contemplating tight fannies and rubbing my breasts would make me nauseous and angry.

Gaudeamus · 10/12/2017 02:46

Also, it makes no sense to me to excuse him on the basis of drink, as if he ended up in that condition through no fault of his own. I imbibe very moderately in professional company because I don't want to be seen as a wanker - he should learn to do so too!

JanetStWalker · 10/12/2017 03:22

Oh god, bet he'll be mortified. Rightly so.

TheDuchessofDukeStreet · 10/12/2017 03:56

Jot it down, time, place, what was said, any witnesses. Any more trouble, take it further. Wide berth in future.

Mumsymcmumface · 10/12/2017 05:08

The vicks line is a fairly standard joke in the circles I mix in. Almost a standard response when a woman says she has a cold.

Couldn’t get worked up about it.

daisychain01 · 10/12/2017 05:23

I'd be wholly unimpressed with trotting out the same old tedious boring line about rubbing Vic on chest - talk about unoriginal. Probably thinks he is sooo funny.

I'd just give him a deadpan stare and say "oh dear is that really the best you can do?.

Gizzymum · 10/12/2017 05:28

I'd mention it the next time you see him in a light hearted "I can't believe you said that/can you remember saying" kind of way. If he's mortified, I'd let it go as chances are that may be enough for him to reign in his drinking next time. If he thinks it was funny/appropriate just mention that it made you a little uncomfortable. If no apology forthcoming - HR.

anothernetter · 10/12/2017 05:30

I must admit I'd be very upset in your position OP but I am quite sensitive to other people's remarks. This sort of thing would make me feel very uncomfortable around that person from that point on. Also I believe that when someone gets drunk they often let the mask slip and you get to see parts of their character which they keep under wraps when they are sober. The mysogynistic nature of those comments is what I would find most upsetting.

AstridWhite · 10/12/2017 05:59

Okay, I'd do one of two things, depending on how well you usually get on with him, and how brave you are feeling about possible repercussions.

When you see him ask him to speak privately for a moment. Tell him calmly and assertively everything he said (that he may or may not remember) and that it offended you.

Tell him you understand that he was drunk, it was outside the office in a social setting etc, and he probably thought he was being the life and soul of the party with his hilarious repartee, but that it was crass, inappropriate and embarrassing for you to be talked to/about like that in front of your colleagues and to have to listen to him being disrespectful and disparaging about women generally.

Tell him you can't police what comes out of his mouth all the time, but if he wants to say that sort of offensive shit then it should be confined to Rugby Club banter with his mates, not said in earshot of female colleagues who are then expected to work with him and respect him in the morning.

Tell him he needs to think carefully about how he's made you feel and that if he does it again (to you or any other female colleague) then you will have no choice but to take it to HR.

Go to HR. If you care about your generally good relationship with this man or are worried that he might make things difficult for you then ask them to say that another colleague who reported overhearing what he said and that they wish to remain anonymous to all but HR.

If HR speak to him and he then approaches you about it, then say:

'Well it wasn't me who went to HR, but since you mention it, yes, it was really inappropriate and I was made to feel uncomfortable. I know you to be very professional and courteous usually, so it was a shock and a disappointment. I am glad that another colleague has got my back on this.'

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