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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off that she isn't getting the message

40 replies

FairfaxAikman · 09/12/2017 19:48

Warning - rant ahead

I've been NC with "D"M on and off (with the on periods a lot shorter than the off ones!) for around 15 years, most recently for the last three years.

Recently she's made a renewed effort to ignore my wishes never to see her ugly, self-centred face ever again, she really seems too thick to get the message.

So far I have had a birthday card and a Christmas card (both signed "mum" though I've refused to call her that for 15 years, referring to her by first name instead) and I know from experience this will escalate to FB messages, emails to my work address and texts.

How the fuck can I make my message any clearer?

OP posts:

Gilead · 09/12/2017 19:49

'Not known at this address'. Back in the post box. Facebook etc. Block. This is what I've done with my mother. Haven't spoken to her for years, it's bloody lovely!

YouTheCat · 09/12/2017 19:49

Block her from your email and phone and facebook?

Grimbles · 09/12/2017 19:50

Block,block and block?

TrojansAreSmegheads · 09/12/2017 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy · 09/12/2017 19:52

Just ignore, block her email, report her to your work it dept, block her on Facebook

Don’t reply or react, it’s what she wants.

QueenEnid · 09/12/2017 19:53

Maybe she wants to make amends?

StealthNinjaMum · 09/12/2017 19:56

That's hard. Does she live nearby? Is she likely to turn up to your place of work? I would block her and ignore unless she's likely to turn up in person in which case I might send one letter telling her to never contact me again or I will call the police as it will be harassment.

RandomMess · 09/12/2017 19:59

In the past it's worked though, contact has been resumed. Bin the cards block her on FB, email, phone etc.

pasturesgreen · 09/12/2017 20:01

Why are you friends with her on Facebook if you've gone NC? Genuine question.

Block her number and block her on all social media. Cards go back unopened, marked unknown at this address.

user1486915549 · 09/12/2017 20:09

How does she have your email and phone number?

Original poster

FairfaxAikman · 09/12/2017 20:12

I'm not friends with her on Facebook- you can send messages to people you are not friends with. I've blocked her there anyway now.

I block her email at work, she sets up a new one.
Cards were sent to family members addresses.

She lives 200 miles away but does have family near my work so could "pop by" when visiting.

I told her o didn't want contact with her on a letter three years ago (and got a three page self-pitying missive in response )

OP posts:

Original poster

FairfaxAikman · 09/12/2017 20:14

I should add I have MH issues and although I bin the cards, this refusal to leave me alone isn't helping my state of mind.

OP posts:

OnTheRise · 09/12/2017 20:22

say
i never want to speak to you again, leave me the fuck alone
?

No. Don't do this. It's communication. She will respond to it.

Just block, block, block. I'm pretty sure you can block people you don't know from messaging you on FB, so you should be ok there.

Just don't respond to anything.

You can filter your emails so anything with her name or "mum" etc goes into a specific folder. Then you make sure a trusted friend reads those emails, so you don't have to.

You can't make her leave you alone. All you can do is block her everywhere you can, and try to remember she's the one with the problem, not you. I know it's hard (I've been NC with my parents for four years now and it's much easier now) but you can do this.

ThatWasNotLove · 09/12/2017 20:31

Set up a filter on your emails for ones containing the word "Mum" and/or anything else that defines her plus all previous addresses. Get them sent straight into a folder that you open if/when you want. That way YOU choose to see them (or not) and her power of you randomly finding emails is all but removed.

Can't help with the rest I'm afraid.

My own NC "D"M is a trigger for me so I understand the anguish contact can cause.

lostpurplehoodie · 09/12/2017 20:37

You have my sympathies. I’m in a similar situation with my sister. From experience I can only suggest you carry on as you are. Ignore, block ad infinitum. It’s a huge intrusion when these missives come, I know, but you have to find a strategy that lets you have these things wash over you.

It’s absolutely your right to not want a relationship with your mother but it is also her right to want something different from you. When my therapist spelled this out to me something really clicked. The point is I now accept that she won’t respect what I want and nothing I can do will change that so ignoring her nonsense is easier. It goes to prov that she is the problem, not me.

Set up email rules and bin anything from her. Have a list of sentences by the phone so if she rings on a private number you can shut her down. Keep strong, one day it won’t upset you so much.

Roussette · 09/12/2017 20:40

What;s the problem? Unless you say, how can anyone comment?

I have adult DCs and I would be heartbroken to be cut off can't imagine it happening as we talk every day

Original poster

FairfaxAikman · 09/12/2017 20:49

The problem is I've made it clear I don't want contact and she's going out of her way to contact me

OP posts:

Coughingchildren5 · 09/12/2017 20:57

When your children block you, will you give up easily?

RandomMess · 09/12/2017 20:59

You could go down the legal route?

dingdongdigeridoo · 09/12/2017 21:00

I don't think we need to ask OP why she's gone NC. Nobody does it lightly. If she wants to be left alone, then she must have a reason.

I agree not to send 'leave me alone' messages as that is still contact. Mark emails as spam without even opening them. If you're on Gmail, you just tick the box, then click the ! icon and everything from that address will go to your spam folder.

If the harassment escalates, it might be worth having a chat with the police to find out what your options are.

BattleaxeGalactica · 09/12/2017 21:17

Dh and Dc are subjected to unwanted birthday and Christmas cards from the MIL we have been NC with for seven years. No FB or email but she used to text the kids behind our back when she still had their numbers

Phone number changes have stopped that one but she persists with the cards. It's intrusive and infuriating but we have never, ever responded on the grounds it opens up a line of communication we don't want.

blue2014 · 09/12/2017 21:33

I can't believe people are questioning OPs decision to go NC!

I have a baby son and yes I would be heartbroken if he cut me out of his life but you know, he won't, because I'm not abusive. Children don't cut there parents out for no reason, have some common sense!

Tinselistacky · 09/12/2017 21:37

Solicitor's letter should do the trick.

Roussette · 09/12/2017 21:57

have a baby son and yes I would be heartbroken if he cut me out of his life but you know, he won't, because I'm not abusive. Children don't cut there parents out for no reason, have some common sense!

And I would like to believe my (now adult) DCs, 3 of them, wouldn't cut me out of their lives either. We're very very close and talk more or less every day. However, if it happened, I wouldn't give up until I knew why, I don't think that's unreasonable

AdalindSchade · 09/12/2017 22:01

I'm sure the OP's mother knows why she has been cut out.

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