To be pissed off that she isn't getting the message

[FairfaxAikman]

Warning - rant ahead

I've been NC with "D"M on and off (with the on periods a lot shorter than the off ones!) for around 15 years, most recently for the last three years.

Recently she's made a renewed effort to ignore my wishes never to see her ugly, self-centred face ever again, she really seems too thick to get the message.

So far I have had a birthday card and a Christmas card (both signed "mum" though I've refused to call her that for 15 years, referring to her by first name instead) and I know from experience this will escalate to FB messages, emails to my work address and texts.

How the fuck can I make my message any clearer?

Oh Roussette - I can only assume you've not known those who've survived abuse and trauma - I do hope that's the case. I'm glad you have a wonderful relationship with your children, honestly genuinely I am. But clearly that's not what this thread is about. Your children will not cut you out if everyone is loved and happy. This obviously isn't how it was for OP. Please step back a little from your own situation and consider that OP may well have had horrible experiences with her own mother that she shouldn't have to justify.

Just block her/return to sender.

My sister goes through phases like this with my mum. But when her husband ends up arrested/missing/gone off with someone else who is the first person she turns to? Mum.

Every situation is different of course.

I don't think we need to ask OP why she's gone NC. Nobody does it lightly

Absolutely so let's not derail with nosiness and judgement.

I'd just block and ignore. Every time you respond she will use it as an invitation to try to get her claws in further (I'm 3 years NC with mine, I wish I'd done it 20 years earlier)

I have this. I just ignore and block. If someone else is in then I sometimes ask them to open the post and tell me if I need to know it.

You say you’ve been on and off NC and I wonder if she thinks you’ll begin having contact with her again as you have done in the past?

I also think it would be very hard to go no contact with your child and I also would keep trying. I’m sure the op has good reason. It doesn’t mean the mum though is willing to walk away from her child. Which appears to be the case here. In my experience there is always two sides to every story.

Op, I doubt she’s doing this to hurt you, not without further info anyway, simoly she is your mother and for many of us it would be a very hard, almost impossible, ask to walk away even if your kid seriously asks it.

I also think it would be very hard to go no contact with your child and I also would keep trying.

But if you've been told someone does not want to hear from you, and yet you continue contacting them, you're guilty of harassment.

The OP's mother isn't contacting them to find out why she's been blocked; she's sending birthday cards and FB messages.

This isn't about finding out why: it's about continuing abusive behaviour.

OP, I do hope you haven't been upset by so many people questioning your need to be NC with your parents. I understand how hard it is to cut a parent out of your life, because I no longer see either of mine. I think your mother is behaving badly, and should stop. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

The roots of this go back to an incident in my childhood.

Contact was cut fully because every time I tried to build a bridge she burn it.

The last contact was enforced (my wedding and my DF persuading me it was "the right thing to do) where she again showed her true colours. The positive part of that encounter is that DF and (most of) his family now support my NC desire, whereas they couldn't understand it before.

Thanks Rise.

Think it's difficult for people who have never been in this situation to get it.

My mental health was suffering due to DM and I'm in a better place when I don't have to worry about her performance parenting, over dramatics and narcissism.

Fair enough blue2014 I appreciate I had a very narrow view there.

Sometimes I wish there was an 'I believe you' campaign for adult children of abusive parents because so many people (fortunately) grew up in a loving household and cannot understand that sometimes a parent needs to be cut out of a child's life. I had low level abuse from my parents and have addressed it with them but they blamed me for being 'naughty' or 'fat' as a child and they were hitting me to help me. Yes abusers can justify everything! And convince flying monkeys they are hard done by. I am low contact with both but have been nc in the past.

Stop fucking her around?

Nc, back in contact, nc, back in contact, nc again? If she's bad enough to warrent nc (and yes some people are) then ffs stop inviting her into your life then dropping her again when she turns out (surprise, surprise) to still be narcassistic and abusive.

If you want nc then mean it.

BarbarianMum You're being harsh, it doesn't sound like this is the case with OP at all.**

BarbarianMum - what are you on about? OP gave her mum a chance after being asked by her dad. It's not unreasonable for OP to have hoped her mum has changed.

Clearly her mum hasn't. That's not OP's fault so why are you blaming her?

So, OP, your 'D' M knows about the incident, about your rebuffing her previous attempts to get in contact, and likely the impact each message, card etc has on your MH.

Self-centred too? Narc?

You need to block her completely. Does your OH knows the effect each contact has? Can you ask him to intercept them and spare you? (If obviously from her).

The pp who've suggested she wants to make amends, make things up, not give up easily. It's pretty obvious from the periods of NC, the history, OPs MH, rebuffed previous attempts of contact what the picture is and it's pretty bloody clear. (Narc) abusers NEVER change.

OP, at this difficult time. I have Christmas and birthday coupled very close and reminder of abuse. It's a clusterfuck...