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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or am I being precious

70 replies

Basecamp21 · 09/12/2017 16:57

About 6 months ago myself and my family moved to a small town from a major city. It took me a while to settle down but i have met a group of mums with similer aged children who have made me feel welcome and gradually started including me in their invites to things they are doing.

Last week they mentioned all the mums were going for an Xmas night out - just a meal and drinks in the big town about 10 miles away and they invited me to join them.

None of them mentioned getting home again and I assumed we would be getting taxis and sharing the costs. But I did not ask and so it is totally my fault that I did make this assumption.

Anyway I realised when there that they were all getting picked up by their partners and in one case their mum. They were scooping the kids out of bed, putting them in the car and driving over to collect the mums at about 12 - 1 in the morning. I found this quite shocking - I would never have considered disturbing my children's sleep like this but they all did it as a matter of course.

They also said they did it the other way - picking up partners and friends and family. They also do it on occasions for each other. Some do it almost every weekend.

One of them had room in their car and gave me a lift back and the kids did just stay asleep

So am I being precious in feeling a bit uncomfortable about it - and I know I did accept the lift. My partner and mum think it is terrible and I should never consider it.

Is this common in rural areas and smaller towns where there is no public transport and taxi fares prohibitive.

I hope it has come across that they really are lovely kind people and I had not noticed anything else in their lives that seemed odd. But I would feel uncomfortable always accepting lifts from them if I can't reciprocate. But also feel uncomfortable thinking about doing it....

Genuinely interested in views - should I push my partner to do this or not??

OP posts:

MrsLupo · 09/12/2017 18:22

I wouldn't have done this, I must say. I live somewhere similar and would drive in this situation. It's not that I think waking children is always wrong, but I think the reason for it in this example is selfish and trivial. I know this was a Christmas night out, but OP says it's a weekly occurrence in some of the families. If I thought my need to go out drinking of a weekend was more important than my child's sleep, I would be worried about myself tbh.

I'm also a bit about the OP's comment about 'respectability'.

Original poster

Basecamp21 · 09/12/2017 18:32

Mrslupo - sometimes it's hard in a text to get across what you mean without waffling for ages. Hence the 'respectability comment. Many people who always seem to do the right things for their kids like my friends in London who would never have considered doing this are far more judgemental and less supportive than other people who maybe break a few conventions sometimes but are actually far nicer people.

I find your comments rather to be honest.

OP posts:

Braceface · 09/12/2017 18:39

I just don't drink and drive myself home usually happy to give lifts as well. Save a fortune.

Lesley1980 · 09/12/2017 18:42

My friend used to do this- not every weekend though. Taxi drivers would refuse to take her home as it wasn't worth it. The drive home was along country roads so they had no chance of picking anyone up & making more money. She only lived 13 miles out of the city so it wasn't worth a lot money to the driver either

laudanum · 09/12/2017 18:55

If husbands and wives do it for one another equally, then I don't see the issue because it's about doing the fair share of taking care of one another when the other goes and has some down time. If it were entirely one sided then yes, it would be rather selfish I suppose. The thing is, in a city area then it's easier for folks to get home, in rural areas, it's not. It also depends on how fussy kids are with getting back off to sleep. I can imagine some don't even realise, whereas the moment you even move a single hair on another's head, they wake up and it takes an age for them to get back to sleep. That's when it gets problematic.

Different families do things differently. If it starts to negatively impact the children then yes that's bad. If it doesn't and everyone is happy, then there's no issue. I think it's a case of differences in how you do stuff really.

greenapplesplatter · 09/12/2017 19:09

Personally if it was a night out I would rather pay for a taxi or drive myself than get DH & DD to come out & pick me up.

DH works offshore so I have a lot of late night pick ups from airports & train stations with him. DD will either sleep at grandparents those nights or DM will come to our house to sit while she's in bed & I pick him up. I suppose if I didn't have family nearby I would have to take her with me or him pay for a taxi back.

I'm not shocked or horrified by others doing it though, each to their own I suppose.

MrsLupo · 09/12/2017 19:16

No need to be rude, OP. I was trying to offer another perspective. Everyone tends to assume that going out has to mean drinking. You're the one who was shocked and appalled at everyone else's arrangements. I'm suggesting a solution - as well as agreeing with you, so I'm not sure what the is about.

And 'respectable' is an odd word to use. It suggests you think your new friends are disreputable somehow. Which perhaps you do, since you're criticising their choices, saying your DH disapproves of them and going to enormous lengths to include something nice to say.

Anyway, whatever. If you don't want opinions, don't ask for them.

Originalfoogirl · 09/12/2017 19:17

It’s not something I would do. I’d drive rather than get our girl out of bed. That said, if it works for my friends, that’s up to them.

mrsBeverleyGoldberg · 09/12/2017 19:22

My eldest son wouldn't have been able to do this. Youngest son would have been fine. We never did it because I think once you're in bed that's it until morning. I wouldn't respond well to being got out of bed in the middle of the night, driven around then be put back to bed!

LookingForwardToChristmas · 09/12/2017 19:26

I grew up in the countryside with a father who regularly flew home after working in USA and my parents shared a car. So we frequently would be bundled into the car late at night to pick him up from the airport (train station was miles away and not running overnight, no buses and taxis were a rarity back then and definitely no companies for miles around). It was fine. We slept there, were pleased to see him, slept home and went to bed. No problem.

I’ve never done it with my own children but DH has a Christmas meal coming up and I’ve suggested picking him up with the children in the back of the car. As a one off or when children are able to happily sleep during and afterwards, I don’t see the problem.

I think lots of us have a tendency to judge other parents enough as it is. This isn’t something I could get bothered about.

HermioneIsMe · 09/12/2017 19:33

Well I can promise you that I would t have woken my dcs up to do a pick up.
And I dint see that as be8ng precious either.

However, I do realise that not everyone sees th8gs the same way than me.
So I would either organise my own transport (aka a taxi) or share a lift with the friends whilst paying for a share if the petrol.

But I would not wake my dcs up for that.
Not an issue with judg8ng what other people are doing. But I don’t see why I should do the same than them if this is not an ok thing fo rme either.

lljkk · 09/12/2017 19:36

I don't understand the shock... that kids are turfed out of bed?

I live in a small town & sometimes socialise with folk who live in the villages. We tend to be dropped by partner at about 6pm for the night out (at an address that minibus will depart from). Minibus returns each person to their home address at 2am end of the night.

SD1978 · 09/12/2017 19:38

If they are happy to, and usually do this, then I don’t see the problem. Obviously the kids are used to it, it’s not abuse. And if you like the kind I would allow this to be the deciding factor in your friendship. The child was sleep, everyone got home, and I assume they are an expert at moving their sleeping kids to do this!

WhooooAmI24601 · 09/12/2017 19:39

I don't go out very often and generally drive but when I do drink DH thinks nothing of scooping the DCs into the car wrapped in blankies to collect me. If it was a regular thing perhaps he'd say no but I've collected DH from the airport after work trips occasionally in the middle of the night with the DCs sleeping in the back. We're a family; we try to make one another's lives easier and surely going out at midnight once every few months won't hurt anyone?

underneaththeash · 09/12/2017 19:48

I wouldn't personally, but then we could afford a taxi. Buts maybe they go out v.v infrequently.

Next time, suggest a shared minus taxi (if you book in advance there must be one nearby - we live and holiday in the sticks and always find someone), or just share the driving.

Original poster

Basecamp21 · 09/12/2017 20:05

Mrslupo I did not say that people were being picked up because of drinking.....some do not drive - oh and I do not have a DH but a wife - you have made some pretty judgemental assumptions there. That was the reason for my

I came from an central London environment where this was unheard of and I was initially shocked by this but not appalled - this was your word. But on thinking about it realised I might be in the wrong and just asked for opinions to help me clarify my changing views.

I realise my initial shocked reaction was not extreme as many other people had the same reaction. But also my more considered view that this is actually ok is also fine.

Maybe my use of the word respectable was wrong- I am always willing to admit my mistakes. I trust my new friends totally with my children and my partner does as well - she does not disapprove of them just finds this one aspect difficult on initially hearing of it.

All these opinions have enabled us to have a good discussion and her views have also moved from her initial one

Thank you for all your comments

OP posts:

Lizzie48 · 09/12/2017 20:15

I wouldn't think of doing this myself, but then I do live in the suburbs of a big city so I can't imagine needing to resort to asking my DH to put my DDs in the car and pick me up.

I would always share a taxi personally, if at all possible. I wouldn't judge though, and I wouldn't feel bad about accepting a lift, though you should contribute to petrol costs.

LaurieFairyCake · 09/12/2017 20:38

Totally normal in some areas

Looneytune253 · 09/12/2017 20:59

Lol funnily enough I have that exact scenario planned to pick up my dh. My dd is so excited to go on the adventure to pick up daddy and has gone to sleep now and I will wake her up when he’s ready. What harm does it do very occasionally on a weekend?

MrsLupo · 11/12/2017 18:56

oh and I do not have a DH but a wife - you have made some pretty judgemental assumptions there.

Nope, just reading quickly, OP, no judgements here. I too have a DP rather than a DH. People often get it wrong because most people here are too busy with their real lives to read and reread other people's posts with slavish accuracy. I couldn't care less, the point people are making usually holds. Nor is it really relevant here. I think you're looking to be offended tbh.

I did not say that people were being picked up because of drinking

Well, you are a stickler for accuracy, aren't you? Quite right, you said 'a meal and drinks'. Hands up, I admit I'm assuming you didn't mean water.

Anyway, meh. Hardly the most interesting thread. I regret trying to be helpful now. I won't bother next time I see your username.

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