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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or am I being precious

70 replies

Basecamp21 · 09/12/2017 16:57

About 6 months ago myself and my family moved to a small town from a major city. It took me a while to settle down but i have met a group of mums with similer aged children who have made me feel welcome and gradually started including me in their invites to things they are doing.

Last week they mentioned all the mums were going for an Xmas night out - just a meal and drinks in the big town about 10 miles away and they invited me to join them.

None of them mentioned getting home again and I assumed we would be getting taxis and sharing the costs. But I did not ask and so it is totally my fault that I did make this assumption.

Anyway I realised when there that they were all getting picked up by their partners and in one case their mum. They were scooping the kids out of bed, putting them in the car and driving over to collect the mums at about 12 - 1 in the morning. I found this quite shocking - I would never have considered disturbing my children's sleep like this but they all did it as a matter of course.

They also said they did it the other way - picking up partners and friends and family. They also do it on occasions for each other. Some do it almost every weekend.

One of them had room in their car and gave me a lift back and the kids did just stay asleep

So am I being precious in feeling a bit uncomfortable about it - and I know I did accept the lift. My partner and mum think it is terrible and I should never consider it.

Is this common in rural areas and smaller towns where there is no public transport and taxi fares prohibitive.

I hope it has come across that they really are lovely kind people and I had not noticed anything else in their lives that seemed odd. But I would feel uncomfortable always accepting lifts from them if I can't reciprocate. But also feel uncomfortable thinking about doing it....

Genuinely interested in views - should I push my partner to do this or not??

OP posts:
chickenowner · 09/12/2017 17:30

My parents used to do this when my brother and I were little.

And guess what, we were fine and we aren't scarred for life. Quite often we didn't even wake up, and if we did we fell straight back to sleep in the car.

Some of you are being extremely precious.

NerrSnerr · 09/12/2017 17:30

We haven’t done this since my eldest was a baby but would again. If you choose not to do this that’s fine and it’s fine to do what they want.

Tinycitrus · 09/12/2017 17:30

Christ no not in this weather. I would just pay the taxi.

Original poster
Basecamp21 · 09/12/2017 17:31

Thanks for your replies - it does appear many found this difficult as i did and assume taxis or nominated driver was the norm again as I did. So I am not mad!!

But others find it completely normal as my new friends do. I cannot stress enough how lovely these people are- I had a minor emergency with my son (nothing serious but he was in hospital for 48hrs) soon after I met them and they were all amazingly supportive with childcare. They are far kinder and non judgemental than my older more 'respectable' friends shall I say.

I think this has challenged my views on good parenting and that is not a bad thing.

If I'm honest I think if I explain to them my partner does not like the idea of disturbing our children I think they will understand and I can always reciprocate in another way.

OP posts:
EB123 · 09/12/2017 17:32

I don't get the big deal. If we did it my younger two would just sleep, my 7 year old would find it really exciting!

It isn't every night, the children aren't upset. I don't see the big issue with it?

StarWarsFanatic · 09/12/2017 17:32

I was going to suggest the same as KeepServingTheDrinks to be honest.

However, the idea in and of itself doesn't really bother me. We used to go for day trips when I was little and get back stupidly late so my siblings and I would be asleep in the back of the car when we got home. Also, getting back late from family holidays and stuff like that used to be a fairly regular occurrence. If my parents had known we would be getting back really late they would have us in PJs in the back of the car.

They tried to avoid waking me whenever possible though, I have always been a monster about being waken up Blush

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2017 17:33

Just cut out the alcohol for the night and take the car.

Why reciprocate in other ways, when a lift is what they need? Confused

NataliaOsipova · 09/12/2017 17:33

I would rather not drink than drag the kids out of bed on my turn.

Agree with this. We live in the middle of nowhere as well.

BusterGonad · 09/12/2017 17:34

I do this when I pick my husband up if he's out drinking, I'm not prepared for him to pay £50 plus for a taxi (if he even manages to even get one). It's not every weekend, maybe once every 4 or 5 months, my 9 year old doesn't mind, and as soon as we are home he's straight back to sleep, if it upset him then I'd think twice but he actually enjoys it!

BusterGonad · 09/12/2017 17:35

Oh and we are in a rural village without so much as a bus service!

jelliebelly · 09/12/2017 17:36

YABU - if the kids are happily asleep and the partner doesn’t mind what’s the issue? Every weekend might be a big much but I really don’t see why this is such a big deal

Pinkbutton85 · 09/12/2017 17:37

Definitely wouldn't do this. I'd expect my OH to get a taxi or find his own way home rather than wake the kids. Selfish IMO!

Whinesalot · 09/12/2017 17:39

if that was the only way I could afford to go out then Yes I would, although I agree it's not ideal.

becotide · 09/12/2017 17:41

I don't think I WOULD have done this, but in hindsight, I think it's fine to do. I would have been scared of judgement more than any impact on the children, which for good sleepers would be negligible.

Thymeout · 09/12/2017 17:41

I'm struggling to see anything wrong in this. It's no different from family gatherings where the children are put to bed upstairs for the evening and then carried to the car when it's time for the adults to leave.

You say they're lovely people so they wouldn't be doing it if it upset their children. I guess people who live in cities take public transport for granted and cabs are probably cheaper. It'd be difficult for a cab driver to find a return fare in a village. As pp said, they've probably been doing it this way for generations. Just a different way of life. No harm done that I can see.

cathyclown · 09/12/2017 17:46

Just accept it and move on.

Otherwise you will lose your lovely friends. It is what they do and they don't have an issue with it. The kids will survive.

Original poster
Basecamp21 · 09/12/2017 17:50

Thymeout - that is exactly how I see it. We came from London where night buses etc are common so there was no need to do this and we took this for granted.

There is no way these friends would do anything that would hurt their children...i think my initial reaction was being precious and I was being unreasonable.

Might take a bit longer to convince my partner...

OP posts:
maddiemookins16mum · 09/12/2017 17:50

I've done it, albeit on very few occasions. It was easier when DD was little though. It must be a pain in this cold weather lifting/dragging school age kids to and from the car with coats/blankets etc.
I'd just be thankful for the lift home and move on.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/12/2017 17:51

I wouldn’t be able to do this with my dd. She gets very angry if she’s woken up and I don’t think she’d cooperate. So I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t want to anyway. I’d rather be the designated driver.

Chewbecca · 09/12/2017 17:59

Taxis are readily available where I live and, when the cost is shared, pretty reasonable. So no, I've never done it or even thought about doing it.

Having said that, if I lived somewhere else and it was more challenging and money was tight, I may have considered it.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/12/2017 18:05

I grew up in countryside... No night buses/trains and only odd taxi that would be 50£ + even if you could persuade them to drive!

This was the norm... I remember being unbelievably excited at this midnight adventure!

MonumentalAlabaster · 09/12/2017 18:15

Couldn't you all just carshare and take it in turns to be the designated driver? Then no one has to come out late at night to collect anyone....

Lashalicious · 09/12/2017 18:16

I’m from a small town and have done this before to pick up at the airport late at night—I’d just take my child with me. I think you’re right that when you live in a small town your first thought is to simply take the kids and pick up even though it’s late rather than call a taxi, which in my town would be very out of the ordinary. I’ve never taken a taxi, in fact, even though I’ve traveled to big cities and live in a medium sized one for many years. I rent a car or take my car, etc. I’ve never actually lived in a city that’s so big that taxis are the norm and perhaps your friends just simply didn’t think of it as an option. You don’t have to make your husband get your kids up though to do this if you don’t want to. It is reasonable that you wouldn’t want to wake your children, that makes sense. It’s nice that you’ve got a circle of friends in your new town.

Spartaca · 09/12/2017 18:17

They don't need to change what they do if they are happy, but when it is your turn you could just drive surely?

Lashalicious · 09/12/2017 18:18

Or take bus, subway,etc. Maybe I’ve taken a taxi before in NY and just don’t remember it. It is out of the ordinary where I live and very expensive and too much trouble/weird if that makes sense.