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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Annoying Co-Worker

41 replies

PeachDelight · 09/12/2017 11:04

(Name change because I'm a cowardBlush.)

I work for a very large organisation but in the certain branch I work in, my team is very small. (The team itself if split into 3 areas, with four people working in each level). We recently (last three months approaching four) hired an apprentice to do secretarial work such as filing, answering phones and dealing with the customers face to face.

He's a young man straight out of University who during the interview was extremely enthusiastic and stated he was looking for an 'in' to begin his career. He had fantastic qualifications (and great character references from his tutors etc).

The first two months we got along fine (not close but he was friendly, eager to learn and would always be quick to offer his help to me and others where he could). But this last month it's like he's a completely different person to me... And only me. When I ask him to do something (I'm his senior) he huffs and rolls his eyes or makes a face.

He also constantly has something / someone else (usually me) to blame when he makes little mistakes in his work, which is never a big deal because he's an apprentice and we expect a few mistakes - what I don't expect is to be blamed for them in some round about way!

I've voiced my concerns to my Manager who has said he will keep an eye on the situation (and he has said he doesn't believe him when he uses me for his excuses so for me not to worry) but despite that it's really beginning to grate on me to the point where I dread coming into work. My Manager is lovely and really was understanding, but was as baffled as me as to why this was happening and suggested that maybe I sit down (with my Manager and this colleague) for a chat, but I don't want to because I know how it will go down (i.e. He will make excuses and make me feel like I'm paranoid about it all!)

To the other members of the team he's helpful, he's nice and eager to assist but now to me he's none of that. He's sarcastic and passive aggressive - but only when it's just him and me. Around others he's fine with me. The rest of the team adore him and although they believe me when I tell them his attitude towards me and things he's said (and they have themselves noticed he likes to judge my work over everyone's very openly) they are only hearing it from me when he's presenting them with a very different image, so I can understand why they can't fully understand.

A friend hinted that I record how he is with me, but I'm pretty sure that will somehow land me in trouble and I'm not sure if it's even legal to secretly record people?? Confused

The only thing I can think has brought this personality shift is that he mentioned in passing during his interview he has an interest in X career path, one on which I'm in. The thinking of my Manager when we hired him was to also train him to be in my career path like this guy wanted (hence why I'm asked to give him training occasionally on how to do things I do on top of his current job role) to prepare him for this and in the beginning he was very excited and eager for this to happen because it's his dream job.

But during our training he belittles my knowledge of the field of work, enjoys bragging to me he could do work faster than me if he had that project and how if he had my job he'd have done everything he could to be the best and really shine (which he makes clear I don't) He studied my job area at Uni as part of his course and he is learning now about it further at home in his free time so he really considers himself quite the expert, but with no prior experience under his belt actively doing the job he struggled to find a job in it. The apprentice role was the closest he could get.

I feel like he's trying to put me down so much subtly infront of my team (and not so subtly in front of me) so he can somehow steal my position, since he has technically not got a guaranteed job at the end of his apprenticeship. I know my Manager is highly considering him for a full time position afterwards because of how hard he works (and transgressions with me aside he does work very hard within his role and has made excellent relationships with other departments).

I began to dread the occasions my Manager asks me to deliver training because of his attitude and my other colleagues couldn't do it because of their own circumstances. So I've openly stated to my Manager I don't feel comfortable doing it because of the attitude and he agreesd, so said extra training stopped (it wasn't a requirement for his current job role, just an extra) and this seems to have made this co-worker even more bitter towards me, like it's al my fault! I get a few filthy looks now when anyone casually asks why it's stopped.

But I won't feel guilty for that. I won't pretend I wasn't being a little spiteful doing it but I was offering time out of my own day to offer training I didn't need to and he doesn't deserve my favours anymore Angry or at least, that's how I see it. Maybe I'm just being petty...

Someone has suggested he may have an issue with me? I understand sometimes people just don't click, but why so suddenly has the attitude changed? I'm really confused. I'm beginning to suspect he doesn't want to wait for the year to be up and is after my job now? I've asked him about his attitude with me a few times and he basically denied it and tried to brush me off and make me feel like I'm imagining things or being paranoid, claiming he 'forgot' if I ever taught him something or have some equally frustrating response and excuse to give me.

I hate being told I'm imagining things, especially when he delivers the speech with a knowing little smirk like he finds it hilarious.

I've spoken to HR, and though they have said they can bring him in to speak to him I don't feel like that will achieve much. He's young and this is his first ever job (other than part time bar work through Uni) but I can't accept how he's behaving anymore and I'm honesty considering asking for a transfer to a different branch to avoid him, but that of course means more travel time for me and I like my team - minus him. The closest branch is an hour shift travel away I don't feel like I should be the one to leave in this situation and yet I can't see how this can be resolved beause I'm the only one really seeing it in its full extent.

What I'm trying to ask is... AIBU assuming he's trying to steal my job?? I just want some reassurance really that his motives aren't just pure shittiness to me because of some kind of character flaw I have, since everyone loves this guy because shittiness with me aside - he really is charming and nice!

(You must know the type - the office smooth talker who could talk his way out of anything! He's not 'good looking' but he's very good with words and talking to people he just meets like they've known one another for years.)

OP posts:
PeachDelight · 09/12/2017 11:10

Sorry for typos etc I'm currently using an IPod to type this on the train Grin

OP posts:
RedRobin87 · 09/12/2017 11:13

From what you have said, I would think he is trying to push you out to take your job.

Do not move or leave your team - that is what he wants. If his attitude continues, I wouldn't hesitate to go to HR

LeCroissant · 09/12/2017 11:16

My guess would be that he's a misogynist who can't stand not being able to lord it over a woman - I've worked with a few.

One thing to remember is that he can't steal your job and that he's deliberately playing on your insecurity. You are his superior and you can and should act like that.

In your shoes I would get a notebook and write down every nasty/blaming thing he says, in front of him. If he asks what you're writing, just say 'I need to keep a record' and if he says something particularly off ask him to read it back and confirm that that's what he said. Write as he's speaking, to really freak him out. It's very effective.

dentalplanlisaneedsbraces · 09/12/2017 12:19

Start being direct with him 'why are you smirking at me', 'do you think this is funny?'. And take it to HR every time. I agree he's a misogynistic prick and not nice at all. I would complain and make his life difficult until he's forced out. He needs to learn he can't behave like a shit and get away with it.

Rainybohoho · 09/12/2017 12:27

Agree with previous posters, be more direct with him.

When he starts talking about how he would do xyz better, don’t take it at face value, really push him to back up his statements, challenge the fuck out of him.

Also call him out on his behaviour. If he says something negative or patronising to you, say very calmly ‘when you said x, it sounded like you believe you are senior to me, tell me more about that.’ And then just let the silence hang and let him talk talk talk. He will soon stop swinging his university balls around.

Birdsgottafly · 09/12/2017 12:58

He wants you out.

As suggested, start challenging him, shut his attitude down immediately.

"I've spoken to HR, and though they have said they can bring him in to speak to him I don't feel like that will achieve much."

You are the proven and respected member of Staff. He is gaslighting and belittling you. He won't do that to HR. He will be reprimanded.

Use every avenue against him.

flumpybear · 09/12/2017 13:17

You're going to need to stand up for yourself. Nicely, professionally, but tell him you've asked him to do x so please get on with it. Theory is rarely more useful than having actually worked in a field, he's just out of university so he's very low on the food chain
I'd also pull him up when he tries belittling you or blaming you - take him to one side, perhaps with a colleague, and tell him he's spreading rumours or lying about you and it's going to stop ✋
Fucking muppet boy 🤪

Mammylamb · 09/12/2017 13:21

Are you the only female on the team?

Do not leave; that's what the little bastard wants.

Do go to hr x

DartmoorDoughnut · 09/12/2017 13:22

Ugh mr big balls needs to grow up! I’d do as suggested up thread and note down everything he says and every snide smirk he does.

You’re his boss/superior, remind him of that!

MyBrilliantDisguise · 09/12/2017 13:24

I think a notebook is a really good idea. Let him see that you're making a note of what he says.

Another good idea was questioning him and then waiting for an answer. Don't speak into the void.

I'm picturing one of those idiots off The Apprentice now - completely full of themselves but absolutely nothing to back it up.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 09/12/2017 13:24

And don't you dare dream of moving! You are senior to him. If you move you might as well lie on the floor and give up.

Mouikey · 09/12/2017 13:25

I’ve been in a similar situation, I would suggest that (as others have said) you keep a note of everything that is said, when, who was there. Do not request a transfer u less this is in your best interest. Get hold of the grievance and bullying policies too to see what the process is and what their approach is.

Maybe ask for some help from HR as to how you can deal with it. I had some mentoring and it really helped with how I could deal with the situation.

If things don’t get better I would recommend raising a grievance BUT understand what you want out for this and be realistic (I.e. don’t ask for him to be transferred if it’s not something that is likely to happen!).

You sound like you are doin all the right things. Deep breaths and smile sweetly, don’t rise to his bait - be the brilliant you and keep up you’re good work

Labradoodliedoodoo · 09/12/2017 13:27

Don’t move. He’s trying to get your job. Tell HR and your boss you are unable to work with such a rude person and ask him to be moved.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 09/12/2017 13:31

STARt passing comment. Be factual. And immediate. Don’t let anything pass ever

‘I noticed you were rolling your eyes just then. Is there a reason for that rude behaviour?’

‘You seem to be talking to me rudely. Can you think of a politer way to say that’

‘Oh you’ve just blamed me for your mistake. You’d be better off manning up and taking responsibility for your own actions’

And repeat and repeat and repeat

Davespecifico · 09/12/2017 13:33

Although it would be good, as others have said, to be assertive, you’ll still need to be careful as you don’t want to be accused of bullying.
Do keep dated notes of everything so that you have the evidence to take this further.
Although it’s capitulating to him to leave, you do need to consider the effect of this on your mental health. I would be tempted to keep a quiet eye out for other job possibilities.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 09/12/2017 13:42

No way should she look out for another job! She might as well just give the guy her job now.

Stand up to him every single time he disrespects you. Every time he blames you. Every time he rolls his eyes. But try to do it when someone else is near if you can.

I think you and your manager should speak to him together.

WillowWeeping · 09/12/2017 13:45

Yes he wants you out so you need to nip this in the bud quickly.

Are you his manager? If so start managing him. It’s goid to have HR on side but you need to deal with this every time Call him out on his behaviour.

E.g

You frank I need you to copy this document
frank eyeroll
You Is there a reason why you rolled your eyes at me? That sort of behaviour is unprofessional and not acceptable on my team
frank I didn’t roll my eyes
you I saw you roll your eyes. Unless you have an apology I’d like to move in to the next issue....

Then at your next 1:1

Frank I am concerned that you’re struggling to understand some of the rules around professionalism. Over the last week you’ve done XYZ doing XYZ is unacceptable I don’t want it to happen again.

Rinse repeat

happypoobum · 09/12/2017 13:47

You are being way too nice.

I would do what your manager suggested and meet with the two of them. Give clear factual examples of things he has done and ask him why he is doing it.

Your manager needs to tell him that his poor behaviour has to stop or his position will be reassessed.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 09/12/2017 13:50

Why isn't somebody sitting on him immediately when he openly critiques your work?? It sounds like the team has almost made a pet of him and he's got a very inflated idea of his position.

Parsleyisntfood · 09/12/2017 13:53

Sounds like a classic case of not liking a female superior. More common than you’d think.
I’d say since the extra training was extra you’re fine to never do it again. You don’t need to explain yourself to the apprentice!
I’m not into treating people like serfs but he is the apprentice! For a year! He answers the phone, does the photocopying and hopes to goodness that you give him a job in a year. Absolutely call him on it and when anyone asks you can honestly say: he works hard and is good at his job but his attitude stinks. I wouldn’t want to work with him again.
For goodness sake don’t transfer!

SpartonDregs · 09/12/2017 13:54

Who is his line manager?

CakeByTheSea · 09/12/2017 13:59

I was in this situation last year. Keep a detailed log and back it up (duplicate it). If anything is said by a third party, log it and ask them to confirm it. Everything with dates and times and who was present, where it took place etc. It is hard to get across to a manager the impact of individual incidents but a documented pattern of behaviour will be a powerful tool for you.
The troublemaker in our workplace jumped before she was pushed as she had done in her previous job we later found out. I still have the behaviour log and will hang on to it for a while!

gottachangethename1 · 09/12/2017 14:04

I feel your pain op. I work with a 25yr old who makes a regular habit of telling me what to do and generally being obnoxious. Management love her, because she’s ‘fiesty’ the rest of us think she’s a pain in the arse. I’m so fed up I’m thinking of trying to find another job. Just pray she’ll leave soon, she keeps telling everyone she’s too good to remain - so fingers crossed.

ButchyRestingFace · 09/12/2017 14:04

(and they have themselves noticed he likes to judge my work over everyone's very openly)

That should be enough for them to revise their opinion of him, to be frank.

Valerrie · 09/12/2017 14:07

Are you his manager?