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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Call if you need anything" AIBU to think it's a pointless phrase?

40 replies

Splinterz · 09/12/2017 07:18

It means nothing does it?
Call me if you need anything.
Just ask.
I'm here for you

I'm not going to call and ask you to do an errand for me, but if you say "I'm going to Asda" then I'll ask you to get me some milk.
If you say you've made a casserole and got spare I'll gratefully accept it but I'd never just ask you to cook us a meal.
I'd never phone and just ask you to have the kids but if you phoned me and said "bring them round" then I'd gratefully accept.

And of all the things anyone could do - I've got the ironing pile from hell. No one ever wants to help with that

Don't make trite offers.

OP posts:
DrRisotto · 09/12/2017 07:21

Huh. I didn't see them as empty offers actually. Most people aren't psychic and while they might see that you/one is struggling, they might not know exactly the best way to offer to help. But they would obviously be happy to help/be there for you etc. So call them for a chat, suggest coffee etc.

BillywilliamV · 09/12/2017 07:21

I actually wouldn’t say it unless I meant it, so I wouldn’t say it unless I felt it was required. Why are people saying it to you?

noodlesandtomatoes · 09/12/2017 07:22

Maybe you're assuming all people are like you, as that's why you say things like that. Or you have terrible friends and family.

I recently asked 3 friends for help as they've made offers like this and they've been a god send. I've shown my gratitude and they've repeated that they'd do it anytime again if possible.

Givemeonereason · 09/12/2017 07:22

It lets you know that people care. When you reach a dark place it's nice to have people you can ring for a distraction

Original poster
Splinterz · 09/12/2017 07:31

noodles I do, I don't pay lip service. I arrive on doorsteps with a pragmatic give me all your errands and shit to deal with type of attitude. Woolly vague 'call me hun' texts really aren't my style.

But never mind. I'll cope.

OP posts:
FabulouslyGlamorousFerret · 09/12/2017 07:32

If my friends said that ... then I could phone them up and ask them to do something.

BillywilliamV · 09/12/2017 07:33

I’ve used people when they’ve offered help as well. I wasn’t able to drive in the summer and everyone that said anything about helping ended up driving me the 20 miles to outpatient appointments at some point. I find I am better friends with a number of them because of it and they know that they can ask me for a favour any time, even though they have all had a lovely Thank you card and a pot plant,
And if you were struggling and unable to do your ironing I’d happily do it for you, in exchange for a cup of tea and a chat. I don’t think I’m unusual in this.

CanIBuffalo · 09/12/2017 07:36

I would hate it if someone just turned up like that.
We're all different. It sounds as if you're struggling at the moment. Would it help to offload?

BillywilliamV · 09/12/2017 07:36

You need to ask yourself “Would I feel this was reasonable if someone asked me to do it for them?” And if the answer is yes then go ahead and ask, even the “call me hun” ones. Some people arent very articulate but most people are kind.

JacquesHammer · 09/12/2017 07:39

I'm sorry your friends aren't being supportive when you need them.

I say all of the above. I mean it. It's far preferable to allow someone control over how they take help than badgering them.

Ecclesiastes · 09/12/2017 07:39

YANBU, OP.

I've always understood that phrase to mean, 'Sorry to hear about your troubles, but I've got to be going now, sure you'll cope'.

At least I hope that's what it means cos I say it all the time lol

Original poster
Splinterz · 09/12/2017 07:40

Ecclesiastes - your bang on the money there my friend.

OP posts:
BikeRunSki · 09/12/2017 07:42

I think the OP is right to some extent. Some people are shy of asking for help. A friend of mine died early this year, after about 6 weeks of acute illness..I made the “just let me know” offers.... but they didn’t ask for anything. But when I asked if their DS would like to come for a sleepover, when I took them soup and crumble, when I said that I was going into town abdvsudvtgey want anything..., those offers were all accepted gratefully.

fuzzywuzzy · 09/12/2017 07:45

I say this and I mean it. Ive has friends turn around and ask me to babysit help with housework, filing documents etc and I have done it. I don’t expect anything in return either they’re friends I’ve had the time and ability to help and I’m happy to help.

There’s no other option really, I can’t imagine turning up at people doorsteps wanting to force my help on them. You do need to ask if they offer. Tell them you need help with your ironing ask if they can have your kids one afternoon etc.

Sometimes I offer help in the let me know if I can help in any way, and then I back off because otherwise it’s really rude and I don’t want to intrude. I will message them again asking how they are and if they need anything.

But you do need to ask.

wowbutter · 09/12/2017 07:45

I'm in the same situation. So many pole have said to call if I need anything.
But I am mortified at the though of calling and asking them to buy me baked beans, or help me fold my laundry, so I just don't bother. Work colleagues, friends, neighbours etc.
Apart from my poor mother in law, she's getting the brunt of it. She's at mine two hours a day doing basic home tasks as I just can't do it.
Very depressing.
I agree, if someone rang and said we are off to the park, do your kids want to come, I'd jump so the chance.
Or we are going to Sainsbury's, do you want us to get you some dinner in? Amazing.
But I can't bear ringing and asking the, to do those things in case they think I'm being rude.

OllyBJolly · 09/12/2017 07:45

When I say it, I mean it and I'd happily do anything. (If I wouldn't, I wouldn't say it.).

It's often difficult to know how to help and support people dealing with challenges. I remember when DD2 had meningitis, my next door neighbour came round to offer to take the dog to give me something less to worry about. That was exactly the kind of practical help I needed.

AreThereAnyUsersnamesLeft · 09/12/2017 07:46

Really interesting - I see what you mean by offering something that is easier for the person to make use of than a general offer but I really hope that people don't REALLY mean 'Sorry to hear about your troubles, but I've got to be going now, sure you'll cope'. seriously?

ZigZagandDustin · 09/12/2017 07:47

If you're not confident enough to call if you need something when someone's made that offer then that's your issue.

I mean it when I say it and would help in any way possible.

BillywilliamV · 09/12/2017 07:50

If you need something you can only ask and people can only say “ no”. You will get a feel for the people who mean it, try to ensure that if you say it yourself then you do mean it. And there have been a number of occasions when I have really wanted to help and felt I couldn’t because I wasn’t asked, too shy to put myself forward.

Ski4130 · 09/12/2017 07:52

My line is usually 'what can I do to help?' because it feels a bit more leading, but I have used 'call me if you need anything' and absolutely meant it. My friends/family know they can ask, or that an offer of help.is genuinely meant though, and vice versa.

Ionacat · 09/12/2017 07:52

I’m assuming this is in the context of something happening and friends/family saying if there’s anything I can do etc. like after a bereavement. If you read any advice about how to support people after a bereavement, it says don’t say if there’s anything I can do ring etc. as the person who are trying to support doesn’t always have the energy to identify what needs doing, so offering specific help is much better.
An example being a friend’s DH had an accident that meant she had to care for him and her DD, rather than saying is there anything I can do, I offered to fill her freezer for her with meals that she just had to re-heat which meant she didn’t have to cook. Offer was gratefully taken up, she wouldn’t have asked me to do that - it hadn’t crossed her mind. Having been there myself, I know those that went oh let me take DD out for the day to give you some space -brilliant thank you or finding a meal on the doorstep after you’ve spent all day at the hospital, or sending me out for some fresh air whilst a group of friends tackled my cleaning. They are the offers I accepted - I wouldn’t have thought at the time of those things despite being inundated with if there is anything I can do phone calls.
Some people do feel confident saying I need x, y and z doing, most don’t hence the need to offer specific help. If you don’t know what to offer then just phone for a chat, take the person out for coffee and if you can then see something that someone needs help with jump in and offer.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 09/12/2017 07:53

I mean it....I said quite recently to a woman I don't know well "If your DS has any dramas then call me"

She was worried about him starting secondary school close to my house...he's on the spectrum and might panic if he misses a bus.

I did specify that he could come to mine at any time if he missed the bus but I also meant general dramas.

Yika · 09/12/2017 07:55

I agree, OP. It puts the responsibility of asking on the person in need, and even if the person offering really means it, they might not be able to say yes to the particular request which is then embarrassing for the person who's asked. Maybe best to offer direct practical help one time and only afterwards make the generic offer - then the recipient knows that the willingness to help is truly meant.

ZigZagandDustin · 09/12/2017 07:57

Yika, I do both. Mostly offer specific things but people are so so so bad at taking help from people it's frustrating. So I'm the end you end up saying 'ok, well if you need anything give me a shout'.

Jessicabrassica · 09/12/2017 07:59

I once had someone say to call if I needed help. I did and I called. It quickly became apparent that helping me out would be massively inconvenient.
Other friends offered to take the kids out, babysit, provide food etc. If I knew what they could offer it was much easier to accept. Since then I have always quantified my offers of help. People are often quite pleased that you've thought about what might be helpful too. The teacher friend who has a different PD day? If you offer to have their child it saves them having to ask their mum again.
The person who turns up on your doorstep and says we're off to the park, shall we have your kids because you were at the hospital last night with your elderly relative and got home at 5am? Bloody marvellous. I wouldn't have asked because I didn't know they were free.

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