"Call if you need anything" AIBU to think it's a pointless phrase?

[Splinterz]

It means nothing does it?
Call me if you need anything.
Just ask.
I'm here for you

I'm not going to call and ask you to do an errand for me, but if you say "I'm going to Asda" then I'll ask you to get me some milk.
If you say you've made a casserole and got spare I'll gratefully accept it but I'd never just ask you to cook us a meal.
I'd never phone and just ask you to have the kids but if you phoned me and said "bring them round" then I'd gratefully accept.

And of all the things anyone could do - I've got the ironing pile from hell. No one ever wants to help with that

Don't make trite offers.

Maybe you need to believe people more?

And get better at asking for help?

Actually thinking about it a bit more, OP, I might find it surprising if the person phoned with a very specific request like "can you cook me a meal" or "can you get me some milk" - Thinking about it, I'd tend to think of them mentioning the problem eg they haven't eaten /have no food in the cupboard and wait for me to offer a way I could help. It is obvious from the problem they mention that they need help. Also it lets them feel they have control over what they offer to help. Also if for some reason they really can't help out, they can side-step instead of having to say 'no' to a specific request.

I've always understood that phrase to mean, 'Sorry to hear about your troubles, but I've got to be going now, sure you'll cope'.
I've never understood it to be that.

To me it's a 'you're having a tough time and if you think you know what i could do with a hand, then let me know'.

People can be wary of seeking help, to me offering like that says 'if you need something then I'll try to help'.

Sorry you are feeling down. I know where you are coming from. I once had two broken arms and a broken nose and no one offered me a lift to doctors ( live rurally) or to get some food. Girl next door never offered any help and she was in town every day...no offer of a lift or shopping or even a knock to see if I was ok. I used to have a single pensioner next door and he always popped in to see if I needed anything and sometimes just bought bread and milk on spec. When kids or I was ill.

If it wasn't for my best friend I would have starved. Though even she baulked at the ironing! Offers of helping disappeared when I actually asked if someone could push vacuum around.
I don't say it unless I mean it. I have taken casserole/ soup/ baking to people if ill, bereaved etc. I always follow up as well so the person knows it wasn't just a one off offer of help. I do this because like you I find it hard to ask and just carry on and muddle through. Hope you feel better soon.

The response surely then needs to be...
"Thanks, that's really kind. I'm not actually very good at asking for help but if you ever fancy dropping a surprise meal round/taking the kids to the park/doing my ironing/(insert other useful thing here), then do offer and I would be eternally grateful."

I think that a lot of people would love a little help from their friends without wanting to be a burden. The kindest way to offer a favour is to present it as a convenient mutual benefit: "I am taking my kids to the park and they will have more fun if your kids come along", "I made more dinner than we can eat; let me drop some at your house as I am going past anyway", "I need some fresh air- can I take your dog for company?", etc. I do this sort of thing quite often.

At the same time, I think that it is important to be able to ask for and to offer help without playing this game. We all should be able to acknowledge that life is incredibly hard and lonely sometimes and that we all need to feel we have people around us to share a little bit of the pain and the difficulty.

When people actually ask me to go out of my way for them and are apologetic, I usually tell them that they are actually doing me a favour by letting me feel useful. Maybe this is a bit pathetic (I don't have much work at the moment and my kids are just about grown up), but it is actually how I feel. Helping people makes me to be part of the web of my local community at a time when I often feel quite isolated.

I think it depends on who you say it too. I have maybe 3 friends who we would and do say this to each other and mean it literally and we do call each other if we need anything but I do get what you mean. I would find it incredibly awkward though if someone turned up offering things as you suggest though so I suppose we are all different.

It depends really. Some people in the middle of a difficult time struggle to articulate what they need. Others know what they need but aren't sure if it's OK to ask.

I had a baby recently. My default position with other new mums now is that the right thing to do is to show up with a posh ready meal and a metric fuckton of biscuits for the night feeds - sod the flowers and babygrows. But sometimes people worry that taking the initiative looks like intruding, so they don't. Throw in a difficult/stressful time and there can be lots of misunderstanding on all sides.

I say this and always mean it. However I usually follow it up with a list of suggestions so:
"Is there anything I can do let me know... nip to the shops, have the kids for a few hours, run the Hoover round"

I think people take you up on you offer more if they've got an idea what you're willing and able to do.

Everyone is different.

My friend was absolutely mortified after having her baby that I started clearing up in her kitchen while we were having lunch. She took it to mean that I thought she couldn't cope and burst into tears.

Some people hate other people's home cooked food.

Maybe what might work is if you could say the kind of things you would like help with: shopping,; having the odd meals cooked for you; a bit of housework; help with the kids. Once people know what you need and that you’d welcome the help, it makes it easier to help. When I know someone really well, I know what they’d like. For instance, I had a friend make me meals when I’d just given birth, so I returned the favour when she broke her leg recently.

I understand people saying that you may not be able to think of what you need when stressed/bereaved, overwhelmed but there are some good options on this thread.

Is the issue that you’ve asked people and they’ve said no, having previously offered. It may be the some people you’ve not yet asked may well be more likely to help. I’ve read on here lots of times that it’s often unexpected people that help, i.e. not such close friends, who then turn out to be much better friends in the long run.

Would it help to offload what’s going on for you atm OP?

I would say that and mean for most things BUT not ironing! You would not thank me to do yours! I like to think I would help my friends with most things if I could. One I would not help in her house and I have done in the past and was told I did not do it as well as X. She drops mahoosive hints which I ignore!!!

I agree OP when you are unwell, feeling low, struggling to cope its difficult to pick up the phone and say can you, will you, could you? Its not always a convenient time for the other person either. If I have offered to help someone I will ring or text the person and make the offer when and where I can.

I had a very traumatic time a few years ago and did have to make calls to people who had said call me if you need me, I soon found out those who meant it and those where it was just lip service. And its rather humiliating to ask for help and then be told not today but if you call me tomorrow or had asked me earlier??

Splinterz - it sounds as though you are grieving and having a hard time. My heart goes out to you. I've been there and it's a really tough place to be. After my husband died suddenly in a car crash and I was left on my own to bring up our 11 year old daughter with no family living close to me to help I did say to my brother when he visited me "I won't ask you for help but when you come to visit if you offer to do things around the house that need doing I will gratefully accept your offers" . This worked really well and he did practical things like replacing some coving for me that I would never have asked him to do. Ionacat I think your comments are spot on. When you're in a low place the hardest thing to do is ask people around you for help. But experience has taught me that talking to people is key to getting the support you need. I think I went by my instincts on who genuinely meant that they wanted to help and those who were just saying it. Splinterz - try to explain to those who you think are genuine that you aren't able to ask for help with specific things but that if there are things that they can think of that won't put themselves out too much that you would be grateful for them being there for you then hopefully those people will find a way to help you. I hope you get the support you need.

Love those suggestions claraschu