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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with no child without trying? *trigger*

26 replies

PeppaPigBaconButty · 08/12/2017 20:54

Fully prepared to be told IABU for this, but lately I feel so sad at not having a child or being pregnant. Recently, a fair few friends have gotten pregnant or had children and I'm just so immensely jealous. I'm only 21 and have been with DP for 2 years. We've had a rocky few months and appear to be starting afresh but it's very slow and I know DC are a long way off.

We aren't trying as I'm on contraception, but since the birth of my DN this year I'm just so jealous. AIBU to be upset and jealous when I'm not even trying?

OP posts:
MissBax · 08/12/2017 20:57

Yes, YABU. You're 21, enjoy being young, travel, go on dates with DP, have nights out and lie ins. Relax.

MissBax · 08/12/2017 20:57

...or on the other hand - speak to dp about starting ttc??

Original poster
PeppaPigBaconButty · 08/12/2017 20:58

I do all those things, but i can't really help having a longing for a child if the maternal feelings are there.

OP posts:
hidinginthenightgarden · 08/12/2017 21:03

If you want to TTC have you discussed this with DP? Has he said no or a re you just feeling broody because everyone else around you are having babies? Do you actually want the responsibility right now?
I was ttc at 21. DS was born at 23 and I am now 28, married with 2 kids and a nice job, nice home.
ITs a bit boring tbh. I never lived alone (or house share) other than student hall, never had the freedom of going out and having fabulous holidays etc. I would suggest you enjoy your life and look forward to what you have to come in the future.

BubbleAndSquark · 08/12/2017 21:04

If things have been rocky you're doing the right thing waiting. Give it a bit of time now things are improving, then when you're more sure of the relationship you could discuss trying. You're not too young but pregnancy and a baby put stress on every relationship so its best to be in a good place before that!

DancesWithOtters · 08/12/2017 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

orenisthenewblack · 08/12/2017 21:13

You're hormonal, I was the same. Very broody from 19 onwards. But think with your head not your heart for now.

Wait until your relationship is in a good stable place before you even start considering having a family.

A baby is for life, not just for Christmas 💐

Enwi · 08/12/2017 21:22

I would imagine your hormones are largely to blame. If you genuinely think that's not the case, do you think talking to DP about TTC is a good idea? 2 years isn't very long in the grand scheme of things. Are you sure you want DP in your life for the next 18 years?
People commenting on your age is ridiculous. Your feelings and emotions are just as valid whether your 21 or 91.
Realistically now is the prime age to be having children in terms of your biology. It's perfectly natural for your body and hormones to be telling you that you want a baby. Thankfully you have your head too to decide if it's really a good idea.

StarWarsFanatic · 08/12/2017 21:23

I would say YANBU. I remember crying in the shower on a daily basis for a few weeks months when I was a little older than you. I knew it wasn't practical for us to start TTC but I also knew how much it hurt not having one. I am now late twenties and we still aren't "quite ready", next year we will start TTC regardless, just trying to sort out what we can first.

Enwi · 08/12/2017 21:25

Oh and I started TTC at 19. All I ever wanted was to be was a mum. I bought my own home at 18, had a stable full time job, owned and ran a car and was in a long term, stable relationship with someone I was sure I wanted in my life for good so was in a position to do so. People are constantly telling me now is the time to travel, explore the world, lie in, have nights out but that isn't what I want to do. I want to be a mum.

HermionesRightHook · 08/12/2017 21:25

It's natural to want a baby - lots of people do, though I'm sure as many don't. But 21 and in a rocky relationship isn't the best plan - wait for a bit. Establish a career or a job history to rely on later if you're not so bothered about the career thing. See how it goes with the DP.

Also, if you do want children, marriage is a really, really, really good idea first from a legal and monetary stand point - even if you're not that arsed about the institution, it gives you legal rights to support and shares of assets if you split up with the partner. Having children without marriage means you'll be entitled to child support if you split up, but you wouldn't be able to get alimony support just for you or a share of e.g. a house in your partner's name.

But your feelings are your feelings and if you want children talk to your partner about all of this, marriage included, and see what he thinks.

Original poster
PeppaPigBaconButty · 08/12/2017 21:28

We live together but his work hours are very long ATM so he does not want a baby right now. I have cared for my niece from her first day she was born. My DB and DN's mother are 18 and under so I have been caring for her almost every single day whilst DB is at work and her mum is at college. I'm essentially a massive part in raising her but can't make big decisions as she's not mine. DN and her mother didn't bond until recent so I feel I have been a maternal figure to DN for a year but she's not mine and I long so much for my own.

OP posts:
RestingGrinchFace · 08/12/2017 21:29

YABU-you are in no position to have a child your relationship isn't exactly stable and you are young enough that there is no reason to have one now despite the unsuitable circumstances. Quite frankly it would be unfair to the child to be born into what you can offer.

Original poster
PeppaPigBaconButty · 08/12/2017 21:29

Just for a bit of clearing up, I won't be having a baby any time due to our circumstances hence why I'm so sad i don't have one or am not pregnant right now..

OP posts:
MrsU88 · 08/12/2017 21:30

If its been rocky then I would leave it a little while.

the age thing is of no concern to me, I was ttc at 20, pregnant at 21 (2 mc then had a dc at 23)

The longing and jealousy is difficult.... a few years back I had the yearning, I wanted a baby more than anything else, I eventually persuaded dh to ttc another and from that minute it took over my life; counting days, working out ovulation days and symptom spotting. I was grumpy every time I got my period and jealous of others having babies.... after almost a year we decided to stop, and concentrate on the positives...and were so much happier now.

What I am trying to say is focus on the positives you have in your life. You are young so there is plenty of time, you can save more for when you do decide to have a baby, you can go places without organising a babysitter or the military operation of getting a baby ready....

it'll happen one day....just try and enjoy the now rather than rushing through life without enjoying yourself.

dontbesillyhenry · 08/12/2017 21:32

Sometimes the grass seems greener. But once you add settled with kids it's a long hard slog with no respite...many people will be looking at you and your carefree situation with envy at times. It's all relative

TinklyLittleLaugh · 08/12/2017 21:38

21 is a broody age. I remember at 21, me and my flat mates at uni were all broody as hell, constantly drooling over cute babies.

I think you owe it to your future kids to give them the best start you can though. That ideally means parents in a stable relationship and some degree of financial stability.

Bambamber · 08/12/2017 21:38

Sounds like playing such an essential role has really Kickstarted your maternal instinct. YANBU to long for your own child, and it's difficult not to be upset when your body yearns for a child and others around you get to fulfil that feeling while you don't. I get it, I really really get it. Try and concentrate on enjoying starting afresh with your partner. Once things are more stable he may be more open to the idea of a baby.

Wellthatwasembarassing · 08/12/2017 21:39

I see where you are coming from. I was feeling the same and had DS at 21. It was a similar situation to You relationship wise and now DS sees his dad very very rarely. I can see how much it affects him. Wait until you are in a decent relationship that has a lot to offer and you can afford to take maternity leave comfortably and enjoy spending time with Your DC.
Don’t do what I did and spend the rest of your child’s life feeling guilty that you didn’t sort your relationship out first because that really affects a kid.
It could turn out okay but it’s not worth the risk.
I would enjoy spending time with your DN or even step away if it affects you that much.
Do whatever it takes to distract you until you know you can provide a happy environment for your children. Maybe plan it out with Your DP long term. I.e. if we get to X place then we can have a kid/buy a house and we will do XYZ to get there.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 08/12/2017 21:39

((((((((((((())))))))). Dont be too hard on yourself.
Women do get feelings like that.
I absolutely could have written your post when I was your age. I'd roll my eyes or just say "Oh are you" at every pregnancy annoucment.
I couldn't bring myself to say "congratulations".
Jealousy is torture but you can't just turn your feelings off.
I hope your turn comes one day.

lizsparkles · 08/12/2017 21:51

Definitely YABU!! Having a child is something you need to discuss and plan with your DH. Then have the baby. If you are not trying, there is no point in being jealous of your DN.

Viviennemary · 08/12/2017 22:09

It's your natural instinct to want a child so don't worry about being jealous. But common sense has told you it's not the right time so you're being sensible. YANBU.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 08/12/2017 22:14

I agree with previous posters - it's a broody age! Very normal, and nothing to worry about.

Original poster
PeppaPigBaconButty · 08/12/2017 22:54

I don't think it's anything to do with my age though. I think it's because I'm raising DB's baby but she's not mine and I'm playing role of mummy and daddy 5 full days a week from when she's up till she's asleep.

OP posts:
hereitis · 08/12/2017 23:11

Ah bless you. How did you end up doing the role of looking after the baby? I think this would be really hard - it’s hard enough when you have no choice but you do! You will have a close bond with your niece though I do think you should get a job/course yourself very soon.

I had a baby when I was 20 years older than you, I’m sure you will be a mother when the time is right.