To return presents OH has bought and replace them with gifts we can actually afford?

[NightRaven52]

Prepared to be massively flamed and told I'm a tight bitch for this, but I'm massively pissed off right now.

Me and OH are financially in dire straits. We're currently paying off several large debts and are basically scraping by month to month. One of the reasons we're in so much debt is that OH can be extremely financially irresponsible and sometimes fails to grasp the value of money and the importance of budgeting. Because of this I take care of the finances and have several 'saving pots' that I add to throughout the year for things like birthday/Christmas presents. This year my Christmas present budget for everyone is just shy of £250.

So every year I have taken charge of buying Christmas presents for OHs family as well as my own, and usually stick to a rough limit of about £15-20 per person (sometimes a little bit more for OHs nieces and nephews). Last year I even had money left over which went straight back into the birthday/Christmas savings for this year. For the past few months I have been making mental lists and plans in my head for gifts for people this year, and was planning on getting my Christmas shopping done over the next week.

Except OH has gone and sorted gifts for most of his family. I know most women would be ecstatic if their partners took the initiative to sort out their own gifts, but he has massively screwed up the budget with these. OH has 4 siblings and 3 nieces and nephews. So far he has spent about £40 on SIL, £30 on BIL1, £80 on BIL1s DC and has just informed me he's spent another £30 on BIL2. He is NC with BIL3, though I usually buy BIL3 a small token gift and ask MIL to pass it on. He's spent a huge part of the present budget already and I still haven't sorted presents for MIL, my family (DM, DF, DSis, DSM, DSSis and DSBro) or DS!! I am actually fuming that he's done this and now expects me to sort the remaining gifts for 8 people (including our DS) with less than £70!

What's pissed me off even more is that some of these gifts are pure tat and while they may be gratefully received by the recipient, I can think of a dozen more appropriate things to get for them. One example being £20 on Lego Dimension figure things for BIL1 who is almost 40. I had already spoken to BIL1s GF about what to get him for Christmas and was planning on getting him a thick hat, glove and scarf set, as according to her this is something he would actually use and needs (he's a labourer so spends most of his day outside). I've asked OH to reconsider these gifts and maybe return some of them but he's having none of it.

WIBU to return them myself and replace them with more appropriate and affordable gifts so I can actually afford to buy the rest of the family decent presents?

Absolutely not. Return them and don't even discuss it with him any more.

This isn't just his money to spend. He's clearly caused enough shit already with being irresponsible. No he doesn't get to fuck up the budget you already have to micromanage because he's a loose cannon.

Does he have good points?

You're not in dire straits if you still have a 250 quid christmas present budget, or you are still financially irresponsible.

That said, of course you would not be unreasonable to return presents if you can't afford them, but really you need to get things sorted more as a couple on exactly how much money you have, and how you spend it.

"Youve spent more on BIL's children than is left to spend on our own son AND all of MY family. I wont be giving my family nothing just because youve decided to spend all the money on your own. The presents either go back or you'll be explaining to everyone youve left out, including your own son, why they didnt get anything."

He's seen the pot of money and decided to treat his own family with it.

Did he know there was a budget, just out of interest? (not that it matters because he could have worked it out himself if you are in dire straits which I assume he's aware of).

Yes I'd take them back and replace them with giftes you can afford rather than penalizing your DS for DH's financial irresponsibility or screwing up your good budgetting work to get the family back on track.

But there are obviously bigger issues at play and they will need to be addressed or this stuff will keep coming up...

Is it really necessary to buy for adults such as siblings? Most people would probably be quite happy to stop exchanging presents or just give a token tin of chocs/ bottle of wine.

I guess the best plan would be to sit down with your partner and explain the problem with the limited remaining budget. Hopefully you can then decide together what to return and what to buy instead.

I fear that he won't be happy about that idea and will expect you to somehow magic up more money from somewhere. What were you planning to buy your son? Was he part of the decision making process? If so, then this is the most likely way to get through to him, e.g. your son now won't be getting what he hoped for Christmas, as instead his uncles and cousins have been nicer presents.

It's hard because they're his family, not yours. But I don't think YABU. If he wants them to have the presents he's bought (which is nice of him as he's more likely to know what his own brothers would like) then he should find a way to fund it himself. He can't leave you short for everyone else.

You're being pretty generous as it is, I think. I'm not in any financial difficulty at all but, with the exception of my own children's, it still wouldn't occur to me to spend more than £10 on a present. None of my family are poor (not rich either, just normal) but presents have just always been around this value. I don't know if it was discussed at any point in the distant past or not but it works well.

we don't have a joint budget for presents, but would spend around £100 for DH's sister, and his parents each. For other family members, maybe £20 each.

Did you explain to him about how many people the money had to buy for?

If you set a budget yanbu to expect him to stick to it. Why are you still buying more than token gifts for bil/sil in 40s?

I agree with you about returning etc,
but I would then give him a budget for ALL of his family, and let him work it out. It is pretty basic budgeting that if you spend £40 on person one then there won't be anything left for person number four or five...

Just do it. He sounds very stupid I’m afraid. Sounds as if you need to take absolute control of the budget and give him pocket money.

Like a child.

£250 is way too much to spend on presents if you are serious financial straits. Is this giving the message to DH that things aren't really that bad?

I think you and DH need to sit down and talk about budgeting - not just about Christmas, but in the context of everything.

Of course you need to return them. You can't afford them! What a knob.

Why shouldn't they spend £250 on Christmas if they have a manageable debt repayment plan and they have saved it over the year? Don't be so sanctimonious.

I see no reason to spend lots on adults at Christmas - leave the stuff back and replace it if you must. But seriously think about changing your Christmas spending habits - most people buy you things you don't need or want.

Return the gifts. Then buy presents for children only £10 each and £100 on your ds.

I would keep the £30 gift but send back the £80 one.

He is basically showing he still has no idea about money and budgeting.
I’m not sure what can be done about that. Is there some budgeting school the same way ther are some parenting schools?

It's not hard because it's his family, it makes it even more bloody rude. Not only has he been incredibly thoughtless and selfish, he has prioritised his family over the ops and his own son for Christmas. I wouldn't even want to see people who my dh had prioritised over our child at Christmas, I'd cancel everything involving them.

Why shouldn't they spend £250 on Christmas if they have a manageable debt repayment plan and they have saved it over the year? Don't be so sanctimonious.

OP described them as being in "dire financial straits". If I had a family member in dire financial straits I would not want them to be spending any money at all on a present for me, even if they had a manageable debt repayment plan and had saved it over the year. If they are able to save £250, then spending it on family members is really not a priority!

Simply don't buy for the adults. Tell them you can't afford it (because you can't) and ask them to reciprocate and not buy you anything either. There's no need to spend scarce funds on tat for your SiL etc etc. Just get token gifts for anyone under the age of 18. It's totally mad buying presents for your grown up siblings etc when you have so little wriggle room in your finances. I stopped buying gifts for adults relatives years ago and the relief (financial and emotional) was immense.

Yanbu but there is a deeper issue regarding your H's attitude to spending. You need to sort that out too. Both of you.

Adults don't need toys for Christmas. A small token gift is fine.

You sound sensible, but your H sounds irresponsible.

timeisnotaline

eh? why would you cancel everything involving them? It's not their fault! (unless they've been phoning him, demanding these specific presents of course)

Gosh you’re not unreasonable - he sounds like an irresponsible man child.

Okay "dire straits" is a bit of an over exaggeration, but we're far from being well off. The Christmas budget is saved up throughout the year and is used for birthdays too (luckily the last birthday before Christmas is in October), and is made up of whatever money we have left each month split several ways, so say there's £100 left at the end of the month, £75 of that goes into emergency savings and £25 goes into the Christmas pot. Sometimes more goes in, sometimes less. Any money left over from previous years always goes straight into the pot for the following year. OH definitely knows about these different savings and how I budget them each year as I tell him roughly how much I've got to spend each year.

BIL1 has always had a bit more than the token gift as he and OH are extremely close (BIL1 is quite a bit older than the others and practically raised them) but I think after this year I will have to tell the adult siblings that we should only do small tokens for each other.

This will be DSs Christmas, so technically we don't really have to get him something as it's not like he's going to have any clue as to what's going on Christmas Day, but I know I would feel massively guilty if I didn't get him anything. I was planning on buying him a baby walker and had seen one for £40 which I liked.

TBH I probably won't return the nieces and nephews presents, they're still quite young and have had an extremely hard year, so I really want them to have a lovely Christmas. But I'm definitely going to return the sibling ones.

I think your OH is being incredibly unhelpful here. I would sit down and have the budgeting talk (yet again) and get HIM to do the work of returning the gifts. He needs to learn to be responsible with money - it's not THAT hard! - otherwise this is going to be a very long and exhausting road for you.