To return presents OH has bought and replace them with gifts we can actually afford?

[NightRaven52]

Prepared to be massively flamed and told I'm a tight bitch for this, but I'm massively pissed off right now.

Me and OH are financially in dire straits. We're currently paying off several large debts and are basically scraping by month to month. One of the reasons we're in so much debt is that OH can be extremely financially irresponsible and sometimes fails to grasp the value of money and the importance of budgeting. Because of this I take care of the finances and have several 'saving pots' that I add to throughout the year for things like birthday/Christmas presents. This year my Christmas present budget for everyone is just shy of £250.

So every year I have taken charge of buying Christmas presents for OHs family as well as my own, and usually stick to a rough limit of about £15-20 per person (sometimes a little bit more for OHs nieces and nephews). Last year I even had money left over which went straight back into the birthday/Christmas savings for this year. For the past few months I have been making mental lists and plans in my head for gifts for people this year, and was planning on getting my Christmas shopping done over the next week.

Except OH has gone and sorted gifts for most of his family. I know most women would be ecstatic if their partners took the initiative to sort out their own gifts, but he has massively screwed up the budget with these. OH has 4 siblings and 3 nieces and nephews. So far he has spent about £40 on SIL, £30 on BIL1, £80 on BIL1s DC and has just informed me he's spent another £30 on BIL2. He is NC with BIL3, though I usually buy BIL3 a small token gift and ask MIL to pass it on. He's spent a huge part of the present budget already and I still haven't sorted presents for MIL, my family (DM, DF, DSis, DSM, DSSis and DSBro) or DS!! I am actually fuming that he's done this and now expects me to sort the remaining gifts for 8 people (including our DS) with less than £70!

What's pissed me off even more is that some of these gifts are pure tat and while they may be gratefully received by the recipient, I can think of a dozen more appropriate things to get for them. One example being £20 on Lego Dimension figure things for BIL1 who is almost 40. I had already spoken to BIL1s GF about what to get him for Christmas and was planning on getting him a thick hat, glove and scarf set, as according to her this is something he would actually use and needs (he's a labourer so spends most of his day outside). I've asked OH to reconsider these gifts and maybe return some of them but he's having none of it.

WIBU to return them myself and replace them with more appropriate and affordable gifts so I can actually afford to buy the rest of the family decent presents?

Learn your lesson for next year..make sure he hasn't got access to the money..I'd be fuming.it just shows he can't be trusted

Just a point....I've less than you for Xmas presents..I've politely told all adults I'm not buying for them and it's just a card this year...not one was upset.my kids will be getting the majority of the money spent on them

What storm said basically... he needs to take responsibility for his own selfish actions.

And if he doesn't treat him like the child he is and revoke all access he has to money and give him pocket money. He wants to act like a child, treat him like one.

To clarify the £80 gift is for all three of the nieces and nephews. It's a second hand games console and one game for each of them. It is over what would usually be spent on them, but like I said they have had a very difficult year.

I am already in charge of the family finances and budget and save meticulously each month, to the point I know exactly where everything goes down to the last penny.

OH does have plenty of redeeming qualities, he is just far too generous at times and acts on impulse rather than taking a step back and actually thinking about what effect his actions might have.

If you are in such dire straits, why buy for adult siblings? Its completely unnecessary, or if you want to, just a token.

As a pp said, stop adult presents and spend £10 per head on DC except yours. Maybe use excess to pay down the debts quicker?

We are not in dire straits, but haven't bought for any adults, save parents and 3 friends I buy for, for many years. We just agreed 'kids only' a long time ago.

Nieces/nephews/friends kids (about 10 in total) get between £10 and £25 per head spent, depending on whether they are relatives, or friends kids. Most are now teenagers and young adults, so get vouchers or such like. Its enough, its the thought that counts.

10-15 max per person here and we don't budget for it. I just prefer to do smaller presents. I certainly don't expect more spent on me.

DDs Santa and our presents cost about 50-60 which is plenty imo.

Yes return the presents explain why and separate your budget into 3, D'S, his family and your family.

I'm afraid I don't envy you, having children and a DH with poor impulse control. It will mean that you always have to be sensible... I appreciate that he has redeeming features for you and am glad, but...

has he bought these out of his own money or the budget account? if his own money then don't worry? let him on?

if the budget and he hasn't access to it but expects renumeration then only offer part payment?

If he has actually spent money from the account/place where the budget is held then ask him to pay the difference or at least make a further contribution to the budget out of his own pocket.

my last two options may get him onboard with returning the gifts...

Trouble in your situation is is that you sound very organised budget wise and he dosnt.

It's not fair on your family to go without so I would take half for you and half for him then let him get on with his own buying. If you always bail him out saving anf planning for him he will never learn he must learn the hard way which is to do it himself.

Make HIM return them.

Maybe next year say no adult gifts or do secret santa so you only have to buy 1 £30 gift.

I'm almost 40 and would live a lego dimensions figure!

*love

Christmas presents instead of food, mortgage, bills. And some think that is OK.

No wonder so many are in the shit in January. Don't be stupid ,people.

What a knob,your OH not you!

You are being alot calmer than I would be if my DH had screwed up so badly.If it was me I'd take the presents back and exchange them for what you'd planned to buy but I'd also be tearing him a new one,don't let him get off to easily,he's screwed up and he's screwed up big and right near Christmas and he needs to see that and he should try to make it up to you.

Somebody yesterday was telling me how well Secret Santa works in their large family. People are allowed to make it known what sort of things they would like, nobody is allowed to spend more than £40 and everyone gets a nice present. Then there is a set grand present opening time on Christmas Day.

Sounds like a good idea to me, especially when money is tight.

manic I don't rpmean it's their fault. I mean more the message to oh- you've blown the entire gift budget on your family, not only meaning we have nothing for my family but also for OUR SON. If you refuse to give those gifts back I don't even want to look at your family over Christmas and I and ds will absolutely not be there while you have them nearly all ourgift budget.if it was at ours too bad, it's cancelled. I'll happily explain why.
In reality I would expect making it so clear how I felt and how selfish he was would get the gifts returned, not that I had to actually cancel our role in Christmas for that side of the family. But if he didn't realise what a dick move it was it would be very very difficult to watch him hand them over at Christmas and be anything approaching nice for most people I think so it's not completely a bluff.