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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really hurt by how thoughtless DH has been

37 replies

Drinaballerina · 08/12/2017 11:06

Have been really ill all week, not sure its quite flu but temp of 40+, totally exhausted, achy etc, Dd's have also been ill. Dh who usually is great has been awful, refusing to do dd2 night wakings because he's tired and needs to go to work. Coming in and saying the house looks like a shithole, but doing nothing to help like washing up or emptying bins. Buying dinner for himself on the way home but not seeing if we need anything at home.

I know if I said something he'd say why didn't you ask me to do this ( and he would have done) but I could barely think of my name let alone anything else.

On the plus side mum friends (who get a very bad rep on here) have been so great about doing school run for me and dropping off shopping.

OP posts:
Bluebelltulip · 08/12/2017 11:16

Feeling very similar today, my plan is to talk to DH later as he doesn't always realise he's upset me until I'm really annoyed and it's much easier to sort out before it gets that far.

PasDeDeux · 08/12/2017 11:17

Is he usually so inconsiderate and selfish?

Original poster
Drinaballerina · 08/12/2017 11:20

Nope, usually nowhere near this bad. I just still feel too ill to have a huge confrontation over it. I assumed he maybe didn't realise quite how bad I was, I've barely seen him this week but he insists he does know.

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 08/12/2017 11:21

If he’s usually so considerate, why is he being like this?! Have you asked him?

AnyFucker · 08/12/2017 11:21

Behaviour like that doesn't come out of nowhere

Why is he so detached from you ?

redexpat · 08/12/2017 11:35

That seems really odd. Is he really stressed at work?

This does need addressing, but wait until you are stronger.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 08/12/2017 11:39

You and your children are ill and he buys himself food for dinner without asking whether you need anything and KNOWING you can't get to the shops?

Something has gone seriously wrong with the relationship, OP. I don't know anyone who'd behave like that.

Viviennemary · 08/12/2017 11:40

He's probably got enough on his plate with work. I couldn't get up in the night and then go to work the next day. So DH did it as he was a lighter sleeper than I was. I'd give him some slack. Why do people expect their partners to be saints.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/12/2017 11:40

So he buys himself dinner on the way home but doesn't bother getting anything for you or DC?

Why is he so separate? Does he cook and eat it by himself too?

Viviennemary · 08/12/2017 11:41

But agree the buying food for himself is selfish and cheeky.

endofthelinefinally · 08/12/2017 11:41

He is being selfish and cruel.
Thoughtless is far too mild a word.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 08/12/2017 11:41

I think you have really low standards, Viviennemary.

Originalfoogirl · 08/12/2017 11:43

not usually this bad

So generally not particularly good? If he can't tell that his partner is poorly, that's a problem.

TiredFedUpGrumpy · 08/12/2017 11:43

Are you fucking serious viviennemary? its hardly saint like to bring home an extra bag of chips or whip up some scrambled eggs and toast for your very unwell spouse, and to keep your mouth shut about the house if, god forbid, you're physically incapable of a 10 minute tidy up session. How do you think families cope if both parents work ft? Or single parents? They don't slowly starve to death because they have enough on their plate at work.

rookiemere · 08/12/2017 11:48

Hardly a saint to expect the person who loves you to bring you home some dinner when they're buying themselves it, or to restrain on commenting on the state of the house when you know your spouse is ill.

When you're well OP I'd be having stiff words with him.

Italiangreyhound · 08/12/2017 11:54

Viviennemary "Why do people expect their partners to be saints." I don't expect my husband to be a saint. But I would be horrified if he sorted himself out with a take away and left me and the kids with no food because I was too ill to prepare any and he was too tired.

I agree with MyBrilliantDisguise "I think you have really low standards, Viviennemary."

OP please tell your dh how ill you are and how hurt you are that he got food for himself and ignored you and the kids. Moaning about the state of the house when you are ill in bed. He has failed very badly. At the very least shut up about the house. But better still, tidy up (what does he think most full time working parents do when they get home!) and make sure there is food for the family. I was very ill this week and literally all I felt like was a bag of chips. That's what I got. Then I fell asleep on the sofa. DH dealt with both kids, and didn't moan about a thing. And he still isn't a saint. Just a normal, good, husband. As I would do for him if he were ill.

Get well soon, OP. Thanks

LagunaBubbles · 08/12/2017 12:02

Behaviour like that doesn't come out of nowhere

Totally agree with this, no matter how tired or stressed someone is.

Italiangreyhound · 08/12/2017 12:13

My friend was ill recently and her husband did not treat her at all well. It caused huge ructions in their relationship. Basically, when you are ill, or have had an accident/operation etc, you just need your nearest and dearest to be there for you. To ask what you need and get it. No one wants to grow old having to constantly ask when they are very ill, it works both ways. It is one of the benefits of being in a couple, the commitment to the other person.

FluffyWuffy100 · 08/12/2017 12:19

So you and the children are sick - and he is sorting himself out with food on the way home form work and isn't picking up food for his wife and children?

Wowzers.

Thats a special kind of nasty.

laudanum · 08/12/2017 12:23

Personally, I think that not only is he being a prize wanker, but the fact that he purposefully DOESN'T pick something up for you and only himself, is really bloody vindictive.

Echoing that this kind of behaviour doesn't manifest out of the blue, so what's his general beef? I hope you feel better soon since it seems you've got an adult sized child to cope with.

Ilovetolurk · 08/12/2017 12:25

There are a percentage of men who don’t seem to be able to empathise when their partner is ill and become selfish and self absorbed

I had one and you see similar threads about it on here at regular intervals

These men often pull their own weight the rest of the time

I suspect you have one of these OP

I’d love to know why it is - maybe someone can explain it

Hope you feel better soon Flowers

RhiWrites · 08/12/2017 12:27

No you should not have to ask: english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

Original poster
Drinaballerina · 08/12/2017 12:29

I didn't want food anyway, and it was far too late for the kids (should have been clearer), he doesn't get home until after 8 usually. He just seems totally uninterested in how rotten I feel and I want some sympathy!

OP posts:
RedSkyAtNight · 08/12/2017 12:31

Is DH coming down with the same thing as the rest of you? If he's normally so considerate, it seems a bit odd for him to do this?

ptumbi · 08/12/2017 12:35

I couldn't bear to be with someone who was so uninterested in/uncaring for me.

He wonders why the house is messy? And why there is no food on the table? He can't be bothered with you being ill.

He'd be gone. This is no relationship.