To feel really hurt by how thoughtless DH has been

[Drinaballerina]

Have been really ill all week, not sure its quite flu but temp of 40+, totally exhausted, achy etc, Dd's have also been ill. Dh who usually is great has been awful, refusing to do dd2 night wakings because he's tired and needs to go to work. Coming in and saying the house looks like a shithole, but doing nothing to help like washing up or emptying bins. Buying dinner for himself on the way home but not seeing if we need anything at home.

I know if I said something he'd say why didn't you ask me to do this ( and he would have done) but I could barely think of my name let alone anything else.

On the plus side mum friends (who get a very bad rep on here) have been so great about doing school run for me and dropping off shopping.

Is he an only child? My DP often slips into 'only child' mode when I am not on good form or ill. I think it's a survival thing to them - looking after number one because you aren't able to, by of course to us it's bloody selfish and frustrating! When I'm ill, my DP will often love off toast etc and not bother asking me if I want anything. He's not doing it maliciously though, it's almost like he's
Oblivious (which is almost as
Bad)

Only child? Hollow laugh. How offensive.

Oh shut up furgggggg12. It's hardly offensive.
My MIL loves referring to my DP's 'only child' traits.

It is offensive. The guy is being a dick and you are suggesting the reason is because only child = selfish. How weird.

Whether someone has siblings or not is irrelevant in the care do or do not show to their partner.

Only Child? Presumably he is no longer a 'child' (who has to look after himself? ) but an ADULT with children of his own?

Another one with really low standards.

Yeah, blame it on him being a poor only child who can't grow up. Then he won't ever have to.

It sounds like a bad mood. What was he like today?

People react very differently to illness in others. I find myself being very irritated when my dh becomes ill. I suspect this is because my parents didn't really believe in the concept of illness and just sort of got on with things and expected us all to do the same. For example, as a child I don't remember ever seeing a doctor and I never missed a day of school. As an adult, before I had kids I never missed a day of work through illness despite on some occasions being in so much pain I was crying. (I appreciate this is weird, but it has taken several decades as an adult to realise this .) My dh, on the other hand, was very much cosseted as a child when he got ill. I find he expects me to cosset him now when he is sick. I expect him to get on with it. It is a tricky dynamic, even though I appreciate that his approach is the more normal one.

OP - I hope you feel better soon and that your DP is more helpful in the future.

DH is the same - kind and thoughtful most of the time but weirdly goes to bits when I'm sick! He will say he doesn't feel well and just generally be a PITA. He knows he does it and will check himself and apologise frequently when it happens but it is weird!

cocoboots 'only child' yeah that's right children with no siblings are naturally selfish and those with big families love to share! (Face palm)

Neolara "I appreciate this is weird, but it has taken several decades as an adult to realise this."

I think it sounds like you were quite healthy and fortunate. You managed to get through life not being really ill. That's great.

"My dh, on the other hand, was very much cosseted as a child when he got ill. I find he expects me to cosset him now when he is sick. I expect him to get on with it. It is a tricky dynamic, even though I appreciate that his approach is the more normal one." I guess it depends if you want to meet your dp's needs or want to perpetuate your parents idea of what life should be like. Just bear in mind that your dp may actually be too ill to manage through and your judgement on what really ill looks or feels like may have been warped by your parents. It's easy to muddle through when you are a bit ill but if he is really ill he may need a bit of TLC!

Hang on the bloke came home at gone 8 with some food for himself.
I think you will find he just didn't think you might want some, and since he was late would have already eaten.
I am sure had you needed anything, you would have called or texted him to pick something up on his way home, he's not a mind ready.
I can see he isn't pulling his weight around the house, but if he went out at 8 in the morning and came home 12 hours later, then he might not realise you have been ill in bed all day, again unless you told him.
Think hard about the LTB posts, as life as a single parent with no help at all is no fun.

Is it possible that if you're usually the one who deals with illness in your house and are perhaps rarely ill that maybe he just hasn't thought because this is new territory for him?

I wouldn't find bringing his own food home after 8 PM that unusual in and of itself because he's home late and if you have young DC then it stands to reason that you will have eaten already.

Similarly if you're always the one who gets up in the night then this is something he's never done and therefore needs to be told.

Yes in an ideal world he would get it, but the reality here is that many men just don't, especially if they've never had to before iyswim.

I think the answer is he doesn't understand how ill I am. He just texted to ask if I wanted a lift to my drinks tonight, and was incredibly surprised when I said I wasn't going! At least that's better than being a dickhead, he is also bringing pizza home - not that I want any but he's trying!