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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I did it! I won against a manspreader!

62 replies

Urubu · 07/12/2017 18:40

I'll paint the scene: I am quite petite, sitting in a crowded tube, a man seats next to me, arm on the armrest straightaway (fine, I don't use it anyway), except with his elbow on the armrest he then spreads his lower arm so his hand is just in front of my face and proceeds to read his newspaper...
I look at him a couple of times, he ignores me.
For a second he takes his arm off the armrest, I take my opportunity and places mine, carefully not going over the middle, but just enough to prevent him from getting in my space Grin
He huffs, puffs, turns his newspaper sideways... and finally he gets it and reads his paper folder in one page (instead of spread out on two pages IYSWIM).

I'm so happy! Am I pathetic? Maybe. But this is a victory for me as every single time in trains/planes/buses etc, the person next to me spreads over my seat because they are taller/larger. Ha!

OP posts:
honeyroar · 07/12/2017 20:12

You could have had a laugh with his selfishness - you could've kept commenting on things "I don't agree with that article, do you, it seems a bit far fetched. I'm not keen on that journalist. Oooh that's a funny photo. Don't like his tie, do you?" And leaned across him to read the other side, saying "I can't see that page well enough".

HermionesRightHook · 07/12/2017 20:16

@DJBaggySmalls That's exactly why I'm about the recapturing with small movements. It doesn't set them off in the way a direct 'confrontation' would - and by 'confrontation' I mean a polite excuse me. Yes I'm very PA but I generally assume any man that does this is likely to be a twat and I don't want to confront.

That said, I have noticed recently that increasingly, if I sit next to someone with Giant Ballsack Syndrome, they do seem to move in more now - maybe the message is sinking in a bit?

whoareyoukidding · 07/12/2017 20:18

Well done OP.

lurkingnotlurking · 07/12/2017 20:22

This was a favourite occupation of mine when I commuted. I called it "arm wars" or "leg wars". I was very good at it, too :) But if the person next to me played fair then I did too - but try to take my space and the game was on.

ferntwist · 07/12/2017 20:26

YANBU. Well done!

HermioneIsMe · 07/12/2017 20:29

Well done Op
I had a similar war in a train.
Gently took the space that was mine in the armrest. Thought the message had sinked in.
Well, nope. As soon as I moved a bit, he took the whole armrest again, his hairy arm touching mine (short sleeve as it was summer so I had his hair tickling me ).
Nest time I had a small opportunity, I put my arm into the armrest and didn’t move for the following 2.5 hours until we arrived at destination.
Made sure that I took my space too with my legs.
He didnt like it. Well tough. I dint like feeling random men hair in me either!

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/12/2017 20:41

Well done!

wanderings · 07/12/2017 20:47

The menz lost a vital weapon - the broadsheet papers, which they would open to their fullest extent on a crowded tube.

SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn · 07/12/2017 20:53

We should have our own MN medal or cup emoji for these manspreading victories (while we're at it let's have one for mansplaining too). Each one is a welcome fist bump that will give both succour and inspiration on many a train/bus journey.

TeddyBee · 07/12/2017 21:23

I bopped one on the knee with my novel once. He was very grumpy about it.

Original poster
Urubu · 07/12/2017 21:35

Grin Teddy

I know I could have said something, but in a crowded tube, tired after a day at work I couldn't face a direct confrontation. I was very careful not to enter his space so he couldn't really say anything.

And yes to the PP who said she plays fair if the person next does as well. Take the armrest, I don't mind, have your bulky coat a bit against my lap, no worries, but don't be like "there is space, I'll take it" just because you are bigger.

OP posts:
MyWhatICallNameChange · 07/12/2017 22:03

Hooray! I won against one at the weekend at a school concert. The school had linked the chairs together so I was couldn't move my chair away and he had a big camera and decided to put his elbow in front of me constantly. So I kept moving and "accidentally" jogging his elbow away which had no effect. In the end I decided to take my coat so flung my arm into him (and accidentally put my hand in his pocket!) and that did the trick.

I'd never say anything because I hate talking to people at the best of times, let alone confronting them.

PickAChew · 07/12/2017 22:15

I sometimes think I should carry an emergency piece of cheese for crowded buses. The effect on my guts is almost instant.

TwoPoint · 08/12/2017 01:16

Did you try speaking OP?

@PurplePillowCase

Aren't you quite nasty. You "ram your knuckles" in someone's back if they lean? I'd applaud someone ramming their knuckles into you if you were the aggressor.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 08/12/2017 01:28

Well done OP! Next time, sneeze on his hand. Grin

TemptressofWaikiki · 08/12/2017 02:07

Well, I don’t give two fucks and I won’t waste time with passive resistance. I turn to manspreaders and in a clear and quite audible voice, loud enough for the entire compartment to hear, ask them very directly if they have swollen balls. They all tend to mutter a confused no and I tell them to keep their fecking legs closed in that case. I get the palpable threat many women might feel that they might get punched in the face and don’t berate any woman for not challenging that behaviour. When I was very young, I was timid and got attacked and hurt, while not putting up any fight for fear of making it worse. It made no difference. Since then I swore to myself if I’m ever in that situation again, to at least put up a damn good fight and hurt any guy as badly as possible in return. Hence, I have spent years kick-boxing and other training and now could knock out most guys if pushed. Maybe I have been lucky since but I’ve never really needed to use self-defence. Bullies might sense that I won’t be intimidated so don’t dare to pick on me. But it makes me angry and sad that women still have to try to appease. But for any guy who shoves his paper in my face or in other way has been an inconsiderate arse on the tube, I make it a point to accidentally tread on their toes with my stilettoes when I get off. It gives me quite a spring in my step, as I get off smiling.

TwoPoint · 08/12/2017 02:13

Why is MN leaving replies bragging about violence?

TemptressofWaikiki · 08/12/2017 02:35

Two Point You are a massive hypocrite calling out MN to delete posts bragging about violence. Further up in this thread, you applaud anyone being violent in return to another poster.

TwoPoint · 08/12/2017 02:46

I said "if you were the aggressor" ie. self defence as opposed to stamping on someone's foot with a stiletto or ramming their knuckles into someone's back.

Surely you see the difference?

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/12/2017 06:08

Twopoint
If you don’t condone what Purple does/did, you cannot maintain the moral high ground whilst wishing violence on another person. Violence is never acceptable and retaliatory violence is equally so unless it is in self defence.

Alconleigh · 08/12/2017 06:53

Do you get the Tube much TwoPoint? What the PP was talking about was when someone leans against one of the central poles. This is a fundamentally selfish act as it stops other people from using it to hold onto. Which in rush hour is really thoughtless and annoying. Sometimes people even lean up against it when you are already holding on, trapping your hand against their back. The PP is talking about flexing your hand so they feel your knuckles, and move, thus allowing other people to use the pole too. It's not really a savage act of violence.

Lweji · 08/12/2017 06:58

Yeah, I get incredibly twitchy and restless when people are spreading or being inconsiderate (leaning against poles).
I may even cross my legs and light kicks may happen.
Or arms resting on armspreaders.

Lweji · 08/12/2017 07:02

I particularly hate people who put their bags between them and the window when siting on the bus, then go over my space. Particularly because then I can't sit properly. I tend to lean against them until they move the bag and sit properly.

PurplePillowCase · 08/12/2017 07:26

wrt ramming my knuckles into someones back: I cannot hold on with my arm above my shoulder. so I have to hold on where people lean onto a pole. in 90% of cases the person moves as soon as I reach for the pole.if they don't, I hold on anyway.

TwoPoint · 08/12/2017 07:33

Mummy

I think retaliatory violence is not equal to the 'initiator'. I certainly don't treat it as such in my profession.

I have a little knowledge of this area of the law and if someone deliberately rammed their knuckles into my back or stood on my foot with a stiletto heel then I'd be legally justified giving them an immediate and big shove backwards to remove the threat.

Alconleigh

I used to. I'm not saying people aren't selfish on the tube.

The poster isn't talking about flexing their hand. They said "ram my knuckles into the back of someone leaning onto the pole". Nothing about removing trapped fingers or similar. I'm fairly sure a knuckle ram is a punch.

A knuckle ram / punch in the back seems like violence to me. As does standing on someone's foot with your stiletto or kicking them as Lweji does. I notice how the last poster moved to the passive voice in an attempt to distance herself from gendered violence.

I know Lweji 's been around for a while but I wonder if other posters are MRA double-agents.