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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he should keep his mouth shut to spare my feelings?

77 replies

Afterconkerseason · 07/12/2017 14:20

I am 33 weeks pregnant and exhausted and grumpy, so fully prepared to be told IABU as I honestly don’t know at this point!

DH does not, and never has, got on with my SIL. She’s number 1 on his least favourite people list I am close with my DB and get on fine with SIL, she’s very family oriented which I really appreciate as it means that I spend a lot of time with her and my DB and our DS’ are very close as well.

DHs family are not close, admittedly they live abroad, but they don’t speak regularly and family get togethers etc never happen. We’ve been together 8 years and I’ve never met anyone outside of his nuclear family.

So, it’s christmas. We have a number of Christmas type activities planned with DB, SIL and DN. As these get closer the frequency of whining from my DH has intensified. Whenever I try to discuss logistical arrangements for these events I am met with sarcasm and negativity. It’s really starting to get me down. He told me at lunch today he is ‘dreading’ these days out and wants to do things just me, him and DS spontaneously and is annoyed we have things booked in. We have had one family Christmas Day out and have a visit to Santa just the three of us planned. There are also a few days in the run up to Christmas Eve that are free just for us, I’ve told him he’s welcome to suggest/organise anything he likes for these times!

My AIBU is that I snapped today and asked him to do me a favour and keep his negativity to himself. I don’t expect him to have fun but I just can’t listen to anymore of it. I was so looking forward to a nice, happy Christmas before DC2 arrived and now this creeping sense of dread I’ve been ignoring has turned into me in turn just feeing like I don’t want to do any of it either because I’ll be dragging around a surly DH with a face like a smacked arse.

He says he has to be honest and I can’t ask him to keep his thoughts to himself, it’s unfair.

So AIBU and irrational pregnant woman? I am so angry right now I can’t tell

Sorry for the long post!

OP posts:

LemonysSnicket · 07/12/2017 15:25

Also to everyone saying that you dont have to spend time with people you dont like at Xmas ... true. But, OP does like them and can rely on their support network, she has said DH doesnt have to come so she will just see them ... but he's not happy with that.

ZigZagandDustin · 07/12/2017 15:26

I have to say that even if DH had an issue with SIL in a similar way, he'd have the manners and understanding to see how important it was to get along, at least on the surface. But both DH and I were brought up to be tolerant of people and treat family as a priority. Of course if SIL was abusive or unfair to DH she'd be given a wide berth from me too. But it doesn't sound like you feel the way she is to him merits cutting her off at all?

charlestonchaplin · 07/12/2017 15:28

When people come on feeling sorry for themselves and saying, 'We have no-one to help, it's just us', I do wonder to what extent it's because people have isolated themselves physically and emotionally from others.

I guess if you really can't stand someone you shouldn't have to spend much time with them, but it sounds like her brother and SIL are or could be a great support to OP, and she is probably the one who would suffer more from social isolation, whether absolute or relative.

Clearly compromise is in order, but that could be not attending rather than stopping OP from doing so.

MsWanaBanana · 07/12/2017 15:29

TBH I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. I understand where you're coming from and I agree that to keep those family ties we all have to spend time with people we may not want to from time to time. On the other hand, it seems as if he really doesn't like your sil at all. If it's making him so miserable he shouldn't be forced to hang out with her 3 times. Don't forget, it's his Christmas too. Just cut it back to once and the other days either cancel or do half days, half with him, half with them

charlestonchaplin · 07/12/2017 15:30

Lemony I didn't copy your post, honest. It was a cross-post.

notangelinajolie · 07/12/2017 15:31

I'm with your DH. I'm not an activities type person either and family gatherings are not v high on my list of fun things. I'm a home bird and prefer to just do nothing - especially at Christmas. Fortunately DH feels the same so we can do nothing together I do agree that your DH could maybe suck it up a little and go along with some of the planned festivities but you are being a tiny bit U in thinking he should shut up. Better for him to tell you how he feels than bottle it up IMHO.

ReanimatedSGB · 07/12/2017 15:32

It sounds like you have compromised already. But there is a general thing (the usual problem: women are socialised to put others first, men are socialised to expect women to put them first) where men will very, very rarely put up with social occasions they don't much care for, just to please another person, particularly if the other person is a woman.
Unless SIL constantly baits and niggles him, he should grow the fuck up and stop whining.

DancesWithOtters · 07/12/2017 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZigZagandDustin · 07/12/2017 15:35

What kind of a grown up 'doesn't like someone' and can't get past themselves to politely spend time with them when the need to! Now it's totally different if someone has done you real harm, of course you take steps to keep them out of your life. But there's nobody I can think of in my world that I'd get stroppy about having to see even if only for my partner or child's benefit. There are aspects to many people that I find objectionable but it's no skin off my nose how others behave. Doesn't mean I need to be petulant about them being places I am. I think your DH is indulgent and childish about this. Especially since he can skip whatever activity and relax at home instead of shitting on your nice plans.

Bluntness100 · 07/12/2017 15:37

I’m not sure anyone is saying it’s wrong for him to spend Xmas with them, what’s being said is it’s wrong for the poor bastard to have to have three separate days with them. Fine uou suck it up for Xmas day. But three seperate planned days would have me whinging too. It’s the balance that’s wrong.

The fact the sil wanted five seperate days for Xmas things is bonkers. Doesn’t she have any mates? I love my brother and sister in law. We socialise together a lot, but no way I’d want to spend five friggen seperate days doing stuff with them. That’s just too much.

Blackteadrinker77 · 07/12/2017 15:44

I agree that it sounds time to do your own Christmas day as a family next year. See extended family on boxing day or Christmas eve.
Get this sorted together now so that next year you are both happy with the plans.

PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2017 15:50

Do you control all the free-time in your family, all the booking this event and planning that event when your DH has specifically said he wants the time/space to be spontaneous without every hour being micromanage...and then it turns out he has to do it all with one of his lest favourite people ever.

OP, I know you are pregnant but you do need to find a way of listening to your DH and adapting your plans to include the things he wants (even if that is pottering about at home).

charlestonchaplin · 07/12/2017 15:57

Spontaneous...They'll probably end up doing nothing and her husband would have achieved his aim of stopping anyone else having fun in order to avoid his SIL. It's just three days and he doesn't have to go on every day out.

PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2017 16:07

Nothing wrong with doing nothing.

StormTreader · 07/12/2017 16:12

It does feel a little like your relatives have gotten "first dibs" on your time when his options are "either be around them or dont see me and son on that day", especially when you factor in that they have already "booked" xmas day as well.

Eliza9917 · 07/12/2017 16:28

CuriousaboutSamphire
You keep saying "Family" but you mean your family, DB, SIL, DNs etc, and your DH seems to mean him, you and your DC.

You don't have to put him first but you do have to allow him to exist, as an independent part of your family - actually the central focus of it, along with your DC.

Don't you want to start your own family traditions? As in your nuclear family rather than an extension of your DBs...

Try it for a year. Let him be the focus of Christmas, be laid back, spontaneous. Go to your DBs on Boxing Day, but make Christmas special for your family!

This.

OP, why don't you go to his parents on xmas eve, spend xmas day at home and then go to your family on boxing day, then everyone is happy, and allocate 2 Saturdays in December to do kids day out things with DB/SIL/DN and then the rest of the time can be spent doing things as a family (OP/DH/DC).

Original poster

Afterconkerseason · 07/12/2017 16:28

It’s really interesting to see the different opinions on family time and Christmas. I’m hearing loud and clear that it is too many events for DH to be expected to ‘suck up’ although part of my frustration is that he really shouldn’t have agreed to them in the first place if he felt like that, it’s the complaining about it so late in the day that I really just don’t want to hear. It feels rude to change plans now when we’ve agreed them weeks ago but hey ho.

Also I wouldn’t want to spend a Christmas Day just the three of us! To me Christmas Eve and morning is for the three (nearly 4) of us to have our own traditions, that we put on our nice clothes and either everyone piles in here or we de-camp to someone else’s for Christmas lunch. It’s my parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, SIL parents etc as well so the idea of that all happening without us while we had a quiet meal at home makes me sad. I fully appreciate that’s a lot of people’s idea of hell!

I think a lot of couples have similar issues but maybe ours are more intense as I am from a large Asian family and DH is from a small Northern European one, apparently their approaches are quite different

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 07/12/2017 16:32

There's also the fact that he agreed to these dates, and is now persistently whining. No one likes whiners. He's had his say and it's time for him to STFU.

charlestonchaplin · 07/12/2017 16:38

Nothing wrong with doing nothing but don't stop others having their fun. Vital info about cultural background missed out OP! You do know the predominant audience on mumsnet?

StormTreader · 07/12/2017 16:40

"To me Christmas Eve and morning is..."

And what about what Christmas is to your DH? It does seem a little like youve declared what you want and that your whole side of the family agrees with you, and that your DH doesnt really get anything of a say to the contrary.

Youve said that your SIL wanted more days and youve already given the concession of cutting it down from 5 to 3, did your DH maybe feel like he had little choice to agree to those since youd already given up two?

charlestonchaplin · 07/12/2017 16:43

Importance of nuclear family versus extended family.

ShoesHaveSouls · 07/12/2017 16:50

I really agree with this. Especially if one grumpy partner has slowly eroded the family connections because they "want it to be just us".

And it's a personal choice of course - but I agree with you OP - a Christmas day spent with just us & dc would feel a bit wrong to me. A bit flat. It's a social day for us. We did it once - because DD was only a few days old - but it didn't feel right. Even then, family visited in the evening.

I often find MN views are rather unusual on the 'just us' front - and on the ease with which they go no contact with family. It doesn't align to the people I know irl - who all seem to get together with family at christmas.

Original poster

Afterconkerseason · 07/12/2017 16:51

StormTreader DH’s idea of Christmas is a small meal and present giving on Christmas Eve with just your immediate family, as per his culture. That is what he gets on ‘his’ year for Christmas.

We do have a traditional meal on Christmas Eve when we’re in the UK for him and exchange small gifts as well. We have 2 Christmassy things for just the three of us booked and I’ve deliberately left the four days before Christmas when we’re both off work free for general pottering etc.

I’m not saying I haven’t been a mardy cow but it feels a bit unfair to suggest I am running some sort of Christmas dictatorship here!

OP posts:

TonicAndTonic · 07/12/2017 16:51

It’s my parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, SIL parents etc as well so the idea of that all happening without us while we had a quiet meal at home makes me sad. I fully appreciate that’s a lot of people’s idea of hell!

I think this is an interesting one, and probably the root of your issue OP. My DP is not a huge fan of family events, both his parents are only children so he has never had any aunts, uncles or cousins. Which is quite different from my upbringing, I have quite a few extended family members and I saw much more of my GPs growing up that he did of his. I imagine big family gatherings must be really stressful for people who didn't grow up with them!

Original poster

Afterconkerseason · 07/12/2017 16:56

Yes TonicAndTonic you’re right. When I told MIL I had 12 people coming for Christmas last year, not including kids, she looked like she might throw up in her handbag! Definitely hard if you’re not used to it, I do understand that aspect of it.

OP posts:

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