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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should keep his mouth shut to spare my feelings?

77 replies

Afterconkerseason · 07/12/2017 14:20

I am 33 weeks pregnant and exhausted and grumpy, so fully prepared to be told IABU as I honestly don’t know at this point!

DH does not, and never has, got on with my SIL. She’s number 1 on his least favourite people list Hmm I am close with my DB and get on fine with SIL, she’s very family oriented which I really appreciate as it means that I spend a lot of time with her and my DB and our DS’ are very close as well.

DHs family are not close, admittedly they live abroad, but they don’t speak regularly and family get togethers etc never happen. We’ve been together 8 years and I’ve never met anyone outside of his nuclear family.

So, it’s christmas. We have a number of Christmas type activities planned with DB, SIL and DN. As these get closer the frequency of whining from my DH has intensified. Whenever I try to discuss logistical arrangements for these events I am met with sarcasm and negativity. It’s really starting to get me down. He told me at lunch today he is ‘dreading’ these days out and wants to do things just me, him and DS spontaneously and is annoyed we have things booked in. We have had one family Christmas Day out and have a visit to Santa just the three of us planned. There are also a few days in the run up to Christmas Eve that are free just for us, I’ve told him he’s welcome to suggest/organise anything he likes for these times!

My AIBU is that I snapped today and asked him to do me a favour and keep his negativity to himself. I don’t expect him to have fun but I just can’t listen to anymore of it. I was so looking forward to a nice, happy Christmas before DC2 arrived and now this creeping sense of dread I’ve been ignoring has turned into me in turn just feeing like I don’t want to do any of it either because I’ll be dragging around a surly DH with a face like a smacked arse.

He says he has to be honest and I can’t ask him to keep his thoughts to himself, it’s unfair.

So AIBU and irrational pregnant woman? I am so angry right now I can’t tell Sad

Sorry for the long post!

OP posts:
CotswoldStrife · 07/12/2017 14:55

It's not simply about him skipping the events, you still intend to take your DS and your DH wants to spend time with him. Don't book your DS in for so many events that you know your DH doesn't want to do!

Jaxhog · 07/12/2017 14:56

Compromise. You're asking him suck it up, but not doing it yourself. Telling him he doesn't have to come with you isn't a compromise, it's an exclusion. Why not ask him what he thinks is a reasonable compromise and go with that?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/12/2017 14:58

What’s the story behind him disliking SIL so much OP?

Taylor22 · 07/12/2017 14:59

OP covered it in the Update. By the lols of it SIL is a controlling and passive aggressive.

PinkHeart5914 · 07/12/2017 15:02

It’s not a case or you simply saying well oh don’t come then, of course he wants to spend time with his own child ffs! Why book in for so many Christmas activities that you want to take your child too with them when you know they don’t get along and then moan when your dh doesn’t like it? It’s not a surprise to you he doesn’t like it is it?

What about his Christmas Day with them too, Should he go out that day and not see you and his own child then too? You are already doing Christmas activities with them so why do you need to have them for Christmas Day too?

ShoesHaveSouls · 07/12/2017 15:03

He told me at lunch today he is ‘dreading’ these days out and wants to do things just me, him and DS spontaneously and is annoyed we have things booked in.

No way. You're dead right about family connections & networks being good for your children. And good for you too!

He wants to keep you all to himself over christmas so that he can do stuff 'spontaneously' ? Just no. You have a right to make arrangements with your family, and to see your family.

Beware anyone who tries to separate you from your family or friends - in the "oh, but I wanted it to just be us" way - do not let him do it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/12/2017 15:04

By the lols of it SIL is a controlling and passive aggressive.

Or, she's trying to be nice to a miserable sod and is fairly assertive and OP's DH doesn't like assertive women, because he's a misogynist. I don't think that BTW but your interpretation is pretty far the other way.

Original poster
Afterconkerseason · 07/12/2017 15:04

I am holding my hands up and accepting that I am being selfish in expecting him to get in line with my idea of what Christmas is. Thank you, I did need to hear that and be reminded that his feelings should come first. As I said we will be discussing these plans again and finding a solution he’s happy with, but just to say I did run these all by him when SIL suggested them before agreeing and turned down two others as I felt it was too much, so this is not a surprise to him or something I decided in isolation.

I am also surprised so many people don’t feel family obligations come first on Christmas Day and just do what they want regardless of other people’s feelings! I suppose it’s just the way I was brought up. Every alternate year we go to his family, just his mum and Dad and nothing at all happens on Christmas Day as they celebrate on Christmas Eve with a small meal and that’s it, no stockings, no turkey, no crackers, no games. I find it quite depressing but I suck it up and keep it to myself because it’s his turn to have Christmas his way!!

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/12/2017 15:04

Sorry missed the update. But after reading it I understand a little more now why the husband feels this way.

I wouldn’t want to spend 3 days with her either.

ForagingForFaerieGold · 07/12/2017 15:05

As ever, I am totally baffled by the accepted dogma that Christmas is a time when we HAVE to put up with people we don't really like just because they happen to be related to us . I see it on here all the time.

Why?
Support network? If the OP's DH and get SIL don't get on, they are unlikely to provide each other any support in any case.

Maybe you should ask yourself why it matters so much to you, that you are overriding your DH's feelings about this. It's his Christmas too

Sludgecolours · 07/12/2017 15:07

All the people who say that you should not have to spend Christmas with people they don't like... How does it work if your other half does like spending time with them, because, you know, however difficult they are, they are his/her family and they love them?

And how does it work if, say, you love your sister, but loathe your bil? Do you ask your bil to eat his Christmas dinner on the doorstep?

Sludgecolours · 07/12/2017 15:10

Meant to say, it is great that your shopping wants to spend more time with you and your ds op! It would be nice if he could lose the sarcasm though!

Sludgecolours · 07/12/2017 15:10

Your shopping?! How did that happen?

Meant your DH of course!

Original poster
Afterconkerseason · 07/12/2017 15:11

DH is not a misogynist, the problem with him and SIL in am honesty is that they’re too alike. They’re both competitive, assertive and used to getting their own way. DH dislikes that she arranges everything to suit her and her way of doing things. She is also a bit of a ‘princess’ which he has no time for.

I actually like my SIL and admire her assertiveness, he is a grumpy sod sometimes so I’m not sure it’s a case of one of them being an arsehole and the other a saint!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 07/12/2017 15:12

You put up with his miserable family and their weird Christmas, you ran everything by him, SIL is perfectly pleasant to him? I think he needs to suck it up.

LemonysSnicket · 07/12/2017 15:13

Actually, Im with OP. He can't limit and isolate you from your wider family because he doesnt like one of them. He may be used to 'nuclear' family only xmas's but OP isn't. She has said he doesnt have to come but he's said he wants to to be with her and DS. So he's not compromising, he's saying 'If you insist on going then i will come with you and i will moan about it for weeks, even though you said I didnt have to come'. Essentially saying its OPs fault he's grumpy for wanting to spend time with her family.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/12/2017 15:13

I wasn't actually saying he was a misogynist. I was offering an alternative interpretation of what you said.

You probably get on with both of them because they are alike.

RainbowDashed · 07/12/2017 15:15

OP where did anyone say that you must put your dh's feelings first??

Original poster
Afterconkerseason · 07/12/2017 15:15

And to be fair to them both they would and have been there for each other, DH took SIL to the hospital when she was unwell despite his feelings towards her because I did not marry a total bastard (although this thread is making me wonder why he married me the poor man!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Afterconkerseason · 07/12/2017 15:16

Yes and me and DB are really alike so it’s not surprising our spouses are too!

OP posts:
CeciliaBartolli · 07/12/2017 15:17

I am sorry to say this; but.
You have arranged Christmas entirely to suit yourself and your lovely relationships with your family.
This is alienating to your husband who dislikes your SIL.
So why have you arranged so many days with them?
Why is he moaning?
Because you have been totally inconsiderate of his feelings and continue to be so.
He said he wants to spend more time with you and your children.
How can you talk about his 'whingeing'?And having a face 'like a smacked arse'?
Do read back what you wrote it is very unreasonable and selfish.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/12/2017 15:19

You have arranged Christmas entirely to suit yourself and your lovely relationships with your family.

And when it's 'his' year she puts up with a shitty Christmas Day. He can't have it both ways.

Sludgecolours · 07/12/2017 15:21

This is a really useful threading wrt gaining perspectives on other people's pov. So many people face these sorts of dilemmas and divided loyalties at Christmas.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/12/2017 15:22

You keep saying "Family" but you mean your family, DB, SIL, DNs etc, and your DH seems to mean him, you and your DC.

You don't have to put him first but you do have to allow him to exist, as an independent part of your family - actually the central focus of it, along with your DC.

Don't you want to start your own family traditions? As in your nuclear family rather than an extension of your DBs...

Try it for a year. Let him be the focus of Christmas, be laid back, spontaneous. Go to your DBs on Boxing Day, but make Christmas special for your family!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/12/2017 15:24

Argh! Meant to add... ignore his grumpy nuts family too. You don't have to spend Christmas with any of them. Maybe a 3 year rotation??!!