To think that this is an unreasonable punishment

[LittleMe03]

It is my nephews birthday today, he is 6 today.

On my way home from work last night I went to their house to drop off his birthday present from us.

My sister in law thanked me (nephew in bed) but then told me that he would not be receiving the present tomorrow, or any presents.

I obviously questioned why. She said, as you know his behaviour at the minute is awful and we told him last week that because of that he needs to show some good behaviour to get birthday presents and as he hasn't he needs to show good behaviour to instead receive the presents in a weeks time if he does. I didn't really know what to say at the time and left not long after.

I text my brother last night, who wasn't there at the time and asked him to reconsider this punishment as it seemed extreme considering this 'awful' behaviour has just been a 5 year old child acting out, as kids do in phases of their life. He replied to say they are at their wits end with him not listening or caring about any previous punishments, ie removing tv from his room, Ipad taken from him for a weekend etc

If just doesn't sit right with me, I know it's not my decision but it's upset me.

Thanks all for mixed views. Just had chance to read on lunch break at work. Just to answer a few points made.

I do offer to have my nephew occasionally to come over to my house or take him out.

I am very close to my brother and he would do exactly the same thing if he disagreed with something that I had said or done (it was a private text to my brother, nephew did not hear or see)

I personally think taking away a child's birthday is too harsh a punishment.

His behaviour generally involves throwing items when he doesn't get his own way, he does have a bad temper and also shouts at his parents (good as gold at school)

Other than being messy.. I don't think it goes much further than that.

Although I'm obviously not there all the time and just know what I am told

"When your child is playing up and ramps up the punishments it is a slippery slope"

True.
I do infact have very sad experience of this.
Changed my life and I will never recover form it.

But, maybe your child is quite easy, easy going and responds well.
Some children are naturally very very difficult. Ds1 was. I didn't know what to do with him. Even now he's very difficult. Ds2 is easy-peasy.
And I'm not just saying he isn't naughty. He is. But he's easier to parent.

Most parents, who condemn Op's sil. But you have NO IDEA, how hard a difficult child actually IS.
You simply couldn't comprehend.
So, don't judge.

I personally think taking away a child's birthday is too harsh a punishment

They haven't taken away his birthday - they've told him he has to wait for his presents while he continues to misbehave at home

Mind you, he is only 5. That's very young.

Actually, my DD1 (now 8) is very difficult, I've had countless days tearing my hair out over her temper, the OP's DN does sound very similar to her tbh. I've found myself threatening punishments that would be OTT. Sometimes it is better to admit that you went too far and to give a more considered penalty, after due consideration. Sometimes parents should indeed apologise to their children.

I could never withhold presents, that does seem unduly harsh. But then, my DDs are adopted so it really would be wrong in our case.

And yes, I do realise that they're not withholding the presents permanently. And maybe I was too harsh saying it was poor parenting.

I do think they're creating unnecessary drama though. Birthdays are supposed to be happy occasions for the family.

Is it not ok to sit the child down and talk to him about what he does and how angry it makes them. Then to say that on ths occasion they will change the punishment. If every awarded punishment had to be carried through, it would be a brutal world.

Yes, I think this is taking things too far. 5 is very young, lots of children do not have brilliant impulse control at that age and everyone is tired/under the weather and over stimulated at this time of year. A week is a huge chunk of time to be 'good' and it sounds as though your brother and SIL have got to a point where they've forgotten what realistic expectations are and how to parent in a more positive way. I've generally found that the more nice times and memories and celebrations you can have, the easier it is to discuss and modify undesirable behaviour because you have more to build on. By constantly being at the end of your tether and escalating punishments you all feel negative and lose the point of it all.

As to getting involved, I have frequently appreciated a friend or sibling or parent mentioning to me that I'm blowing something up that should be kept in proportion, or suggesting other ways of viewing/dealing with a parenting issue. I wouldn't be 'furious' as many PPs state, I'm generally open to ideas and constructive criticism - it's how we learn isn't it?

I would be inclined to gently point out to them that their present strategy isn't working - so it might be a good time to calmly think of an alternative.

Things I might suggest trying:
investigate when the bad behaviour happens.
is he hungry/thirsty/tired
are the punishments too far off in time?
is it bad behaviour or frustration?
is he trying too hard to be good at school and it comes out at home - could exercise after school or "down time" help (if he is an introvert then time alone without too much talk can help)
They could try a "parents star chart" where they set themselves the task of spotting 10 pieces of good behaviour every day and rewarding themselves with a star when they spot each one and praise him (and the "good" doesn't have to be too high standard to start with).

And offer to give them a break.

FlowerPot

But the OP says these parents are at their wits end and for that level of angst the behaviour sounds like it has been going on for a long time

Ok, tried to italicise the above but it's not working!

People have different tolerances for bad behaviour, and different ideas of what bad behaviour is. I was at my wits end with DS behaviour even though I understood why he was doing it - it was incredibly draining and wearing.

And I know a bereavement seems less likely here given it's not been mentioned, but then very little detail has been given and it's possible something is happening that the OP isn't aware of.