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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DH's friend to stay with us throughout Christmas!

71 replies

TeeniefaeTroon · 07/12/2017 00:16

This is not a new problem, this will be the 5th Christmas we've had in this house. DH's friend (F 1) lives a 4 hour drive away, when we bought a bigger house 4 years ago we invited him for Christmas and it seems to have become a tradition.

He arrives in our village on the 22nd or 23rd of December but stays with other friend (F2) (who is single with a 2 bed flat). They are both invited here for Christmas Day, F2 goes home when the day is over but F1 stays over. He then doesn't leave until the 3rd or 4th of January!

Every year it does my head in! Why would he want to stay with a family when he can stay with a similar aged single man?

My DH isn't one for sitting on his arse all day, he doesn't get a lot of holidays a year so when he's off he does a lot of odd jobs around the house. Our house is a bit of a project so there's always something to do. His mate just sits around, rolling fags (a bug bear of mine as I've to hoover up the tobacco all the time!) and watching telly. He swears a lot and we have a 5 year old so I'm so conscious of it.

When I get up in the morning I feel I can't wear my pjs so have to have a shower and get dressed. My ensuite shower has been knackered for the last year so have been using the ensuite shower in the room F1 sleeps in, I can't do this when he's here. Thankfully my shower is now fixed but it's not a good shower so I don't normally use it.

I told DH 3 weeks ago that it wasn't happening this year and I was putting my foot down. He got grumpy with me and said he'd tell him not to come at all. Result! However, F1 has been messaging me to say he can't wait until Christmas so he's obviously not been told 😡

This year F2 is going to his family 2 hours away but hopefully F1 can still stay in his flat for the 3 days he's away or we'll have F1 there on Christmas morning too 😫

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 07/12/2017 13:05

And no, nobody will think badly of you for not having a smoking hang around guest for TWO WEEKS over Christmas for the FIFTH year running when you have a small child. That's horrid, I'd hate it. Village folk are probably thinking 'WTF, she's a saint, I could never do that'. His disability really doesn't come into it.

Jaxhog · 07/12/2017 13:09

Why on earth have you tolerated it this long? I would have put my foot down around December 27th of year one!
This

Reply to him saying that you aren't having overnight guests at Christmas this year. And remind him that you now don't allow smoking in the house.

Santasbigredbobblehat · 07/12/2017 13:15

Have you asked your husband why this guy still thinks he’s coming? I wouldn’t be doing his dirty work.

Original poster

TeeniefaeTroon · 07/12/2017 14:03

In reply to those commenting on the smoking, he doesn't smoke in the house just rolls them in the house and smokes outside. Even when he's been in a wheelchair we took him outside.

OP posts:

girlywhirly · 07/12/2017 14:20

I agree, you shouldn’t have the friend this Christmas. I think he has started to take it for granted that he can come every year now and stay as long as he can get away with.

I think you are entitled to have a Christmas without people staying. Make sure the friend knows that’s what is happening, you don’t need to provide a string of reasons, it should be enough that you cannot have guests to stay and you are busy this year.

MinesaPinot · 07/12/2017 14:20

Bloody hell, I wouldn't entertain my family for that long, let alone a friend of DH's. Put your foot down, and say that he is welcome for Xmas Day but you have other plans for the rest of Christmas/works to house etc.

My late SiL tried it one year. Told DH that she was aiming to come to us the week before Christmas and stay until after New Year's Day. I told DH I was having none of it, and that if we allowed her to do that she'd probably stay until Easter (she was a bit like that). She never came to us at all that Christmas.....

Now I tell anyone who wants to stay that we only offer a 2 or 3 night Turkey and Tinsel break - guests are welcome to stay any night(s) between 24-26 December and will find a bill pinned to their door on 27 December!

SheffieldStealer · 07/12/2017 14:21

why would a grown man want to watch kids programmes all day when he could go and sit with F2 and drink beers, watch films etc.

Probably because F2 has made it clear that he's not running some kind of seasonal hostel and won't bring F1 food and drink, or put up with his tobacco shreds getting in the shagpile, and says, 'Fuck that!' when F1 suggests inviting his MIL and 18 cousins over for a leg of lamb and so on.

F1 sounds lonely and I think it's nice that you've included him in your plans, but if you don't speak up this year, F1 arriving and you hiding in the spare room for 12 days is going to become The Tradition, and you'll be singing the same Christmas tune for the rest of your life like Mariah Carey but less jolly.

PuppyMonkey · 07/12/2017 14:29

I'd be quite tempted to blatantly lie and just say: "Sorry we're all off to Benidorm for the week - have a nice Xmas xxx"

Original poster

TeeniefaeTroon · 07/12/2017 19:26

Tempting! Just waiting for the kids to go to bed before I speak to DH.

OP posts:

fussygalore118 · 07/12/2017 20:47

Did you tell him no?

You've had the patience of a bloody saint to put up with it for as long as you have!

Original poster

TeeniefaeTroon · 07/12/2017 23:03

I asked him if he’d spoken to him and he says that he’ll only be here on Christmas night and then go to F2’s flat. He says he probably won’t stay until new year. We’ll see! He maybe thinks I’ll back down but I’m not going to this time.

OP posts:

inlectorecumbit · 07/12/2017 23:09

I would be bringing it up with F1 in response to any of his texts. Confirming the length of stay. Maybe ask if he intends coming back from F2's to spend New Years day with you?

ThePinkOcelot · 07/12/2017 23:15

God that would drive me mental! I wouldn’t just leave it to wait and see tbh!

cheesypastatonight · 07/12/2017 23:17

Why are you not texting friend direct and confirming? Why wait and see? That just means your dh is going to say nothing and it will all be the same as last year. You've had many good suggestions as to why to say, just SAY THEM? text him now and tell him it's Christmas Day only this year.
Honestly, don't moan about it if you are not prepared to do something about it !

Fishface77 · 07/12/2017 23:18

The friend is texting you so why don't you just text him back?
On top of that say please don't bring any meat this time as I have it ordered. Please bring x,y &z.

ijustwannadance · 07/12/2017 23:25

Your husband is a bloody wimp. I doubt he has told F1 anything.
Confirm yourself in text. Do not wait until he arrives to find he plans to stay longer.

AND make sure that whilst at yours on xmas day, you tell him clearly that you won't be hosting anyone next year and plan on having a peaceful family xmas.

4 bloody years!

LavenderDoll · 07/12/2017 23:34

You need to sort it before Xmas so it isn't hanging over you

FluffyFerrets · 08/12/2017 00:13

Your husbands answer doesn't sound too promising. I'd still ring him myself to check in about Christmas arrangements and ask him what his plans are considering you aren't having overnight guests this year....see what he says before you are lumbered with him.

cingolimama · 09/12/2017 13:59

OP, I agree with pp and YOU must deal with this directly, as your DH isn't going to deal with this At all.

Original poster

TeeniefaeTroon · 27/12/2017 00:45

Going well so far, he's been up here since Saturday and only stayed at our house last night. Long may it continue!

OP posts:

Longtime · 27/12/2017 00:51

Good luck!

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