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Original poster

To not want DH's friend to stay with us throughout Christmas!

71 replies

TeeniefaeTroon · 07/12/2017 00:16

This is not a new problem, this will be the 5th Christmas we've had in this house. DH's friend (F 1) lives a 4 hour drive away, when we bought a bigger house 4 years ago we invited him for Christmas and it seems to have become a tradition.

He arrives in our village on the 22nd or 23rd of December but stays with other friend (F2) (who is single with a 2 bed flat). They are both invited here for Christmas Day, F2 goes home when the day is over but F1 stays over. He then doesn't leave until the 3rd or 4th of January!

Every year it does my head in! Why would he want to stay with a family when he can stay with a similar aged single man?

My DH isn't one for sitting on his arse all day, he doesn't get a lot of holidays a year so when he's off he does a lot of odd jobs around the house. Our house is a bit of a project so there's always something to do. His mate just sits around, rolling fags (a bug bear of mine as I've to hoover up the tobacco all the time!) and watching telly. He swears a lot and we have a 5 year old so I'm so conscious of it.

When I get up in the morning I feel I can't wear my pjs so have to have a shower and get dressed. My ensuite shower has been knackered for the last year so have been using the ensuite shower in the room F1 sleeps in, I can't do this when he's here. Thankfully my shower is now fixed but it's not a good shower so I don't normally use it.

I told DH 3 weeks ago that it wasn't happening this year and I was putting my foot down. He got grumpy with me and said he'd tell him not to come at all. Result! However, F1 has been messaging me to say he can't wait until Christmas so he's obviously not been told 😡

This year F2 is going to his family 2 hours away but hopefully F1 can still stay in his flat for the 3 days he's away or we'll have F1 there on Christmas morning too 😫

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 07/12/2017 08:43

'However, F1 has been messaging me to say he can't wait until Christmas so he's obviously not been told 😡

This year F2 is going to his family 2 hours away but hopefully F1 can still stay in his flat for the 3 days he's away or we'll have F1 there on Christmas morning too 😫'

Just tell him no! I agree with dropping your DH in it. He CBA'd to do his own dirty work.

Fishface77 · 07/12/2017 08:44

Just message him yourself. And if DH has a problem with it perhaps he can go and join him for once.

Bellamuerte · 07/12/2017 09:00

I'm obviously less polite than OP because I would have told F1 after the first Christmas that I wasn't hosting him for an entire week in future. It's incredibly rude of someone to impose for such a long period over the holidays unless specifically invited, especially if you're having to entertain and cook for him. I also would not put up with him rolling cigarettes and swearing in my home! Is it costing you money to host him and buy food etc?

OP you sound very polite and gracious to the point of being a doormat. Put your foot down and tell him he can't come for the entire week as you're busy. In fact I'd be tempted to break the cycle by going away on holiday somewhere between Christmas and New Year. I wouldn't let DH get off scot free either - make him man up and tell his friend he can't come!

OhNoOhNo · 07/12/2017 09:05

I don't know how you stand it, OP. I would have said enough's enough after the first time.

Ellendegeneres · 07/12/2017 09:35

Like the others, I'd be replying oh dh said he'd spoken to you, we're having a quiet Christmas with just family, been a hard year and just need to have a quiet relaxing time off, hope he enjoys his xmas and look forward to seeing him in the new year.

Then words being had with 'd'h.

Original poster
TeeniefaeTroon · 07/12/2017 09:37

@Bellamuerte I've booked a night away on the 27th in a city 2 hours away. F1 knows about it and was a bit miffed. I heard DH telling him on the phone. F1 said he'd take us there and come back for us but DH said no thankfully. I had visions of him wanting to come too so DD15 is coming with us do there's no room for him. I don't want him in my house while we're away so I've asked a friend to feed our cats.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeeniefaeTroon · 07/12/2017 09:42

I also think he drives F2 crazy too. Last year F2 went elsewhere for Christmas Day too but was more local so only away for 1 night.
Last year DH had some work to do one evening so planned to go to the study to do it and leave me downstairs with F1 all night. I was not amused so messaged F2 begging him to invite F1 to the pub. Bless him, he called and invited him up for the night. I could've kissed him 😂

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 07/12/2017 09:44

Tell him your not having house guests over Christmas and will let him know when it's convenient for him to come.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 07/12/2017 09:48

I told DH 3 weeks ago that it wasn't happening this year and I was putting my foot down

This doesn't sit happily with me. It should be a joint decision.

If it were the other way round "I love to invite my friend here for Christmas, but my DH won't let me", then I'm sure the responses would be v different

sonjadog · 07/12/2017 09:52

I think you should tell him now, if you are going to do it at all. If you leave it much longer then you aren't given him much time to find an alternative. As he was invited the first time and has been coming ever since, he is probably under the impression that you are fine with him staying. I think you need to message him and say that you can have him to stay x days, but that is all you can offer this year, and then stick to that.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 07/12/2017 09:54

Allthgood - that's a massive twist on what is going on in the OPs situation.

Appuskidu · 07/12/2017 09:56

So your DH has said he’ll tell F1 not to come at all, but actually hasn’t?

clarabowsandopentoes · 07/12/2017 09:56

He stays until 3-4th Jan!! That would drive me nuts. YANBU. I was going to suggest you get him working, helping out on the odd jobs that DH does but I don't know how that would play with his disability. Is that something he could do or is his mobility not up to that?

Ideally, your DH would tell him that in future he is welcome to come for a shorter period over Christmas. Failing that I would be making his stay a little less luxurious and a little more boring. I certainly wouldn't be cooking his meals every day and buying his booze - although perhaps you don't do this anyway.

Original poster
TeeniefaeTroon · 07/12/2017 10:21

@allthgoodusernamesaretaken the thing is that I wouldn't do that, I couldn't even put up with my own friends for that length of time. Why should it be a joint decision? Was it a joint decision for the last 4 christmases to have him here? No it wasn't!

OP posts:
Original poster
TeeniefaeTroon · 07/12/2017 10:22

@Appuskidu apparently not, judging by the messages F1 has been sending me. DH was away with work last night so I haven't been able to ask him.

OP posts:
GetOffTheTableMabel · 07/12/2017 10:25

I'd go with "Oh, Have you and dh not spoken? He said he was going to call you (all true). We're looking forward to seeing you but cannot host for quite so long this year (no use of I or we, so he can't tell whose decision this is).Come along at usual time on Christmas Day (don't assume you can rock up early as F1 is away).You're welcome to stay until we leave on 27th. Would you like to pop back to us for the night of 31st? We could see the New Year in together? (One night only).

Original poster
TeeniefaeTroon · 07/12/2017 10:26

@clarabowsandopentoes yes he does sometimes help him but as he is not able bodied there's a lot he can't do. He just likes to sit about watching tv. That's what I find strange, why would a grown man want to watch kids programmes all day when he could go and sit with F2 and drink beers, watch films etc. In the evenings I usually go through to our other sitting room to get away from him so I don't get to spend any time with DH. You'd think he'd take the hint!

OP posts:
GetOffTheTableMabel · 07/12/2017 10:26

Strikethrough fails. Sorry!

Original poster
TeeniefaeTroon · 07/12/2017 10:28

@GetOffTheTableMabel sounds good but he lives 200 miles away and won't go away and come back 4 days later.
TBH it's DHs fault, he should put me and the kids first for a change.

OP posts:
SemolinaSilkpaws · 07/12/2017 10:49

You mention OP that your home is a work in progress. What a shame that the plan is for F1’s bedroom to have a complete overhaul between Christmas and New Year so will not be habitable. What did DP not tell you? Shame.

Appuskidu · 07/12/2017 10:56

I would assume DH has told him and act suprised f1 doesn’t know. DH is to blame here.

Original poster
TeeniefaeTroon · 07/12/2017 11:32

@SemolinaSilkpaws, that is kind of true. I'm running a wee craft business and that's where I make everything. I might magic up a massive order than needs to be done for January and I'll be working all hours on it 😂

OP posts:
tampinfuminragin · 07/12/2017 12:51

Tell him he will need to go to friend 2s house to stay.

mickeysminnie · 07/12/2017 12:58

As others havw said. Just text him, your dh obviously has no intention of it.
"Looking forward to see you Christmas Day, sorry we can't have you stay for any longer"

FizzyGreenWater · 07/12/2017 13:04

You need to take control here - your DH is taking the piss out of you. He deliberately hasn't told him as a way of going against what YOU want, because it's easier for him. He thinks it just won't get sorted and he'll get his way by the back door and you'll be pissed off but that's easier than causing hassle with friend. Not on!

Don't go through your DH any more - he's not on your side here. Text back directly as others have said.

'Sorry, I thought DH had told you. We aren't able to have overnight guests this year, sorry! We're really looking forward to having you all over as usual on Christmas Day but we won't be having anyone staying.'

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