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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my husband to have time off with to look after me

46 replies

Bex2110 · 06/12/2017 22:55

I’ve been having seizures for around a month now (under investigation and waiting for test results) but this week they have become more severe and I’ve been told by gp that I am not allowed to be alone. I’m currently off work on maternity leave looking after our baby.

My husband is aware of what’s going on but he refuses to ask for time off work to watch after me and instead expects me to rely on neighbours and friends who all have their own lives to lead. It’s probably worth saying that he doesn’t have any leave left for this year so if he did take time off he’d either have to bring forward some of next year’s annual leave or take the time off unpaid.

So who is BU here, me for asking him to take time off or him for refusing to take tome off?

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 06/12/2017 22:58

Can you afford for him to take unpaid leave? If you can YANBU unless he's in the sort of job where time off before Christmas is a massive no-no (and even then I'd probably try and arrange a day or two).

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 06/12/2017 23:02

How difficult....is it possible he's worried about jepordizing his job though OP?

Somerville · 06/12/2017 23:02

Neither of you are being unreasonable; it's really tough when one's spouse/co-parent is unwell to the point of needing to be looked after, just as it's tough to be so unwell. The dilemma is that the healthy one of the couple needs to carry on earning and not risk losing their job. But they also need to look after their spouse. It's very hard - I've been there.
Ultimately, any day that there is not a friend of neighbour who can stay with you, your husband will have to take off work, since there is no other option. But people won't mind you asking, and hopefully will stay with you lots - and when you're well again you can both repay favours.
Try to accept help from all quarters - you need as wide a circle of support as possible right now.

Hope your medical team get to the bottom of the seizures really soon. Flowers

Original poster
Bex2110 · 06/12/2017 23:04

I think we could afford for him to take a couple of days unpaid, but yes, ultimately he’s worried about jeopardising his job. I go completely understand this but I can’t help the situation I’m in. It’s really difficult.

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 06/12/2017 23:07

It would be very difficult for my husband to take time off to look after me but it wouldn't mean he didn't care. Your husband may well feel under financial pressure to ensure he keeps earning especially as you are on maternity leave.
Do you have family that can help at all? Is there anyone you can stay with for a while who can keep an eye on you?

Sprinklestar · 06/12/2017 23:09

My worry here is who is looking after the baby?

Original poster
Bex2110 · 06/12/2017 23:10

We live three hours away from both mine and his parents so there is no family around to help out. It seems like an impossible situation at the moment and I feel so guilty about it Sad

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 06/12/2017 23:10

Apply for PIP and employ someone?

Original poster
Bex2110 · 06/12/2017 23:12

Sprinklestar, I’m looking after the baby. The baby is okay.

OP posts:
WarningSign · 06/12/2017 23:12

Is there any way your husband can work from home?

GlitterNails · 06/12/2017 23:13

PIP is extremely difficult to get and the OP would need to have had her condition for three months and be expecting it to last nine more months (which is probably difficult to say at this point.)

minipie · 06/12/2017 23:15

Can parents or in laws come and stay? Or could you and baby stay at theirs (obv you would need to be accompanied on the journey). I know they are 3 hours away but seems like this justifies the journey.

Be3Al2Si6O18 · 06/12/2017 23:16

Maybe he should talk to his employer?

Maybe they would say "Look after your family, because at the end of the day its only a job here. Let's work something out".

Original poster
Bex2110 · 06/12/2017 23:17

Thank you everyone for your advice. I appreciate it x

OP posts:
WarningSign · 06/12/2017 23:17

As someone with a husband who epilepsy, I would also be concerned about who was looking after the baby. If the seizures are coming on unexpectedly/without warning, then holding or bathing the baby or co-sleeping with baby are dangerous. Also, if there is a refractory period after the seizure (when you think you're ok but are actually drowsy or foggy) then it isn't safe to be in sole charge of an infant.

RunningOutOfCharge · 06/12/2017 23:18

The priority is the baby .... can your DH drop baby at daycare/childminder/nursery if you can get a place?

Codlet · 06/12/2017 23:18

Have you considered paying someone to be with you rather than asking him to take time off? Maybe a teenager home from university or something (some unis break up next week). Presumably you could pay them less than your DH earns, so it would be more cost effective than him taking unpaid leave, and he wouldn’t be jeopardising his job either.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 06/12/2017 23:19

I was diagnosed with epilepsy after random seizures when I was 26. They’re really frightening. Do you have any warning signs one is coming? I wasn’t with my DP when I was diagnosed but now that I am he wouldn’t leave me if I’d had one within the last 24 hours. I don’t know what your seizures are like but mine are incredibly violent and I often bite/choke on my tongue and I often have 3 or 4 within 12 hours then none for a month. Mine are controlled with medication but are still very violent. We don’t have children but if in you’re in sole charge of your baby you really need someone to be around. What if you have a fit whilst holding them?

I really hope you get answers soon, it’s a very scary time Flowers

shakeyourcaboose · 06/12/2017 23:19

Sorry but i can see where sprinklestar is coming from, if you are needing monitored and you need looking after, is the baby ok? Could your husband not seek special leave for child aspect?

BackforGood · 06/12/2017 23:19

Are none of your parents able to come and stay for 5 days or a week ?

I wouldn't say either of you are being unreasonable, however, I am inclined to agree with your dh, that, if you can manage with support from family and friends, then that is the better route to go down. You don't want him jeapardising his job, nor really breaking into next year's AL allowance if it is avoidable.

TooManyPaws · 06/12/2017 23:21

Is there no Special Leave or Compassionate Leave that he can take, or do some work at home? It would be worth him speaking to his manager or HR about it as many organisations will have arrangements for family emergencies. Could he not be considered to be looking after the child technically due to your illness and be given Parental Leave?

Crumbs1 · 06/12/2017 23:22

Could one of your parents come and stay for a while?

expatinscotland · 06/12/2017 23:22

Can you stay at either one of your family's homes for a while?

'Apply for PIP and employ someone?'

Do you realise how hard it is to get PIP? And LOL at its being enough to employ 'someone'. Hmm

Lindy2 · 06/12/2017 23:27

I think you need to ask your family to come and stay for a while or go and stay there, until you know a bit more about what is causing your health issues.

Original poster
Bex2110 · 06/12/2017 23:28

I think I may have to stay at my parents. My seizure are not full fits and I am concious when they happen. I feel a bit funny before them so I am able to put the baby in a safe place. I don’t carry the baby upstairs or bath them alone so they are as safe as possible. My lovely neighbour has agreed to come round tomorrow so at least I’m not alone. The HV is coming tomorrow too so I can talk to her about things x

OP posts:
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