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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my husband to have time off with to look after me

46 replies

Bex2110 · 06/12/2017 22:55

I’ve been having seizures for around a month now (under investigation and waiting for test results) but this week they have become more severe and I’ve been told by gp that I am not allowed to be alone. I’m currently off work on maternity leave looking after our baby.

My husband is aware of what’s going on but he refuses to ask for time off work to watch after me and instead expects me to rely on neighbours and friends who all have their own lives to lead. It’s probably worth saying that he doesn’t have any leave left for this year so if he did take time off he’d either have to bring forward some of next year’s annual leave or take the time off unpaid.

So who is BU here, me for asking him to take time off or him for refusing to take tome off?

OP posts:

Motoko · 06/12/2017 23:30

My husband either takes annual leave, or special leave when he needs to take time off to look after me.

I too would be concerned about you having a seizure while holding the baby.

Viviennemary · 06/12/2017 23:30

Under the circumstances I don't think your DH should have the time off work because he needs this job to support you both. I agree neither of you are being unreasonable but it wouldn't be a long term solution for your DH to have time off work. Plenty of people who suffer from seizures bring up a family.

codswallopandbalderdash · 06/12/2017 23:34

Your DH needs to speak to his employer and take time off however he can. You can't be left alone and you have a baby. It is his responsibility too at the end of the day. It is OK to ask friends / neighbours but a point will come when they can't help or they think they are being put upon. And I wouldn't suggest going to stay with family when you are awaiting further investigations - not least because stress can trigger seizures. Tiredness can also be a trigger so with a baby imagining it's tough. Sending hugs

codswallopandbalderdash · 06/12/2017 23:36

And to PP, yes people with epilepsy /seizues can look after families but usually seizures are controlled. OP's seizures are new, increasing and getting worse. It won't be forever she is asking DH for help

AdoraBell · 06/12/2017 23:47

How will you get to your parents?

Good on your neighbour 👍

I think neither of you ABU btw.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 06/12/2017 23:52

I can understand how you must feel but if it's just a couple of days, is there really any point? It would be different if it was months and you were diagnosed / treated by then. A few days off want really change anything.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 06/12/2017 23:55

Oh you poor thing OP, that sounds hard.

I do think he shouldn’t just ‘land you in it’ - you work together for a solution. I would want my DH to offer unpaid leave, even if it is to say - listen I’m really worried about jeapeordising my job, but if we can’t together organise a solution of course I will. Then you work together.

CustardDoughnutsRule · 07/12/2017 00:07

I wonder if this boils down to sexism. What makes his job more important than the time of other people? Are these neighbours and friends mostly female?

I have been ill and my husband has burned through leave, taken time off in the day and worked long evenings to make it up, and taken some unpaid leave because it was necessary to look after the children. I think he should be stepping up first, and THEN you might need to call on others to help out if he can't plug all the gaps himself. And PPs are right, you are both your baby's parents and you are ultimately both responsible for keeping the baby safe. Of course he needs to be part of the solution.

TrinitySquirrel · 07/12/2017 00:09

I'd be wondering why your parents weren't coming to help. If it was my child I'd sleep on the kitchen floor if there was no space but they were that unwell and needed help.

Sprinklestar · 07/12/2017 00:47

Hard though your situation is and hard though it may be to admit, you are not safe to look after a baby at present. Your DH really does need to step up.

Rooooooood · 07/12/2017 00:58

Would one of those alert butting you Han around your neck help? Or what about using Alexa or a similar smart home system then you could ask Alexa to call what ever numbers you wanted.

Rooooooood · 07/12/2017 00:59

Typo....

Alert buttons you hang around

Christmascardqueen · 07/12/2017 01:18

you are having partial seizures, which have increased you have no way of knowing if they will change. your baby/babies are not safe with you.
if you believed they were safe you would not feel the need for your dh/partner to stay with you.
you need to be with someone 24/7 (your family) until your seizures are better controlled.
your dh/partner needs to prioritize his employment which long term will be most helpful to the family.

melj1213 · 07/12/2017 01:29

I wonder if this boils down to sexism. What makes his job more important than the time of other people? Are these neighbours and friends mostly female?

His job is paying the bills and keeping the roof over the OPs head, I'd say that's pretty important. Also we don't know if his job has the flexibility to give him time off now - I work in retail and unless there's a dire emergency nobody will get time off until after Christmas (and whilst having a sick partner might fall under that definition, if they weren't acutely ill then the colleague would be expected to make every effort to find another solution before resorting to emergency leave)

Maybe those other people are SAHP, retired or people who don't work/have weekday days off and we're willing to help out on a short term basis? I have just had 2 days off work and had no specific plans other than housework and general errands, if the OP was my friend/neighbour and I knew they just needed someone to be with them over the next few days till their appt (and most likely would be fine) then I would have no issue going over to their house/inviting them to come to my house when their DP was at work.

expatinscotland · 07/12/2017 07:47

'What makes his job more important than the time of other people? Are these neighbours and friends mostly female?

A lot of people don't have jobs the offer paid holidays or paid time off at all, or allow you to make up work and plenty of people cannot afford to take unpaid leave.

'I'd be wondering why your parents weren't coming to help. If it was my child I'd sleep on the kitchen floor if there was no space but they were that unwell and needed help.'

Similarly, plenty of people's parents and family still have to work FT. Is this really so hard to understand? What are people supposed to live on in such situations, fresh air and good looks?

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 08/12/2017 12:15

How are things OP?

Original poster

Bex2110 · 08/12/2017 12:45

Things are okay. My husband took yesterday off and is having this afternoon off too. His work have turned out to be really understanding which I’m so grateful for! My neighbour has been brilliant too.
Mom hoping to get some results next week and then be armed with a plan of action on how to move forward. X

OP posts:

Whatslovegottodo · 08/12/2017 13:52

If you are on Mat leave can your husband take shared parental leave? It will mean you reducing your mat leave allowance, but it may be that you need sick leave anyway, so that may be a possibility?

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 08/12/2017 13:57

That’s good, I’m glad you’re ok. My seizures are controlled with medication but I do still have them, mostly as I’m falling asleep. I really hope you get results and a plan of action soon. Make sure you take care of yourself, seizures can be very draining. I feel like I’ve run an uphill marathon after I’ve had one!

FluffyWuffy100 · 08/12/2017 14:02

If that were the situation at my work then he would be able to WFH as much as possible.

You could look at employing someone I guess but pretty difficult.

FluffyWuffy100 · 08/12/2017 14:02

If you are on Mat leave can your husband take shared parental leave? It will mean you reducing your mat leave allowance, but it may be that you need sick leave anyway, so that may be a possibility?

That isa good idea.

DH takes shared parental leave to look after the baby. You 'go back to work' but end up on sick leave anyway. Sorted.

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