To be annoyed that they don’t understand...

[Pinklady1982]

My mum and her husband are arranging a special holiday, and are inviting their children (grown ups) and grandchildren (aged between 2-8). My little family consists of my fiancé, my dd and my step son (aged 17). They are inviting everyone apart from my step son, as they say he will be old enough to fend for himself for the week, and he isn’t a part of their family as such. I find this very hurtful and so does my fiancé (his father). They don’t understand why I expected him to be automatically invited, and I don’t understand why they wouldn’t realise he is my family, and I love him to bits. They actually seemed annoyed at me for questioning this. He is a good kid, and has been through a lot, but both him and his dad haven’t always got along with my Mum and stepdad, but I don’t understand how they can think it’s ok to just leave out one member of the family....so, am I the one being unreasonable to expect him to be invited??

You're right Radio I thought there were similarities too. That other thread made it on to the sun rag newspaper and promptly got deleted from MN which was a bit pointless because the op's posts were all published for the world to read.

I agree with everyone - either your stepson is included, or none of you go.

MadForlt put it very succinctly.

Everything you write about your stepson is very loving - are your mum and her husband aware of how you feel? Have you tried standing in front of them and saying "my life wouldn't be the same without him" and the other things you've said here which show your commitment to this young man?

I think I would do this and if their position did not soften, I don't think I would go on the holiday.

They have known your stepson since he was 10. They have seen him grow up. You are yourself a stepchild to your stepdad.

This is a watershed moment, in my opinion. You need to lay it out. Does your stepson know yet that he hasn't been invited? The whole thing is predicated on the idea that by 17, people don't want to join in on family holidays - it's effectively parents and kids, so boring for young adults. I get that. But it feels bad because he's the only one excluded, and because no choice was offered.

If your fiancé won't go, how on earth can you go? Think about it. How would you feel? The message would be bad for everyone. And the most vulnerable person is your stepson, and the second is your fiancé.

We are always dependant on the fairness and decency, and kindness, of others when we join a family as step-members. The acceptable and love should, ideally, be quite unconditional. Anything else doesn't work.

I would go to your mother, and explain that your stepson and fiance are very upset. I would suggest that she and/or your stepdad speak directly to your stepson and tell him they're sorry, they thought he wouldn't want to come as it would be boring for him - but, OF COURSE, if he'd like to, he's more than welcome. They need above all to make him feel valued. And only they can do it. (or your mum can talk to him and explain that your stepdad is xyz, but it would be better if the stepdad was also involved).

You need to explain to your mum that you guys are a unit. And it needs to be very clear that if this isn't quickly and carefully resolved, then it will indeed cause a rift and you and your dd won't go either, because - and I'm reminded of 'King Lear' Act 1 here, and Cordelia's dilemma - (!!! sorry - yes ok all attack me for that!!) - you can't just love your parents. You have to also love your fiancé, and his child. You love your parents no less and no more than they are due. And the same for your fiancé. So they can't expect you to denigrate him like this and make his son feel unvalued.

Because then they force you to choose.

Which is not a good idea on their part. For anyone.

Have the conversation with your mum.

acceptance not acceptable

Please understand typos ...

And remind them what happened to King Lear when he made his daughter choose ; ) (it was not pretty)

OP, as a stepdad I’m appalled.

You not going will send a huge message to your stepson - I'm with you all the way. You can feel proud of yourself. Walk tall, three of you together, I wish you all well.

I imagine your DSS is going to feel rejected by the lack of invite. I understand that you don't want to upset your mum but I don't see how you can go without compounding the insult.

Your family is now you, DP and DSS and they both need to know that they are your priority, no ifs, no buts. To all intents and purposes, you are DSS mother figure - what would their attitude be towards an adopted child as it seems that you have adopted him in an emotional sense just not leagally. Surely it's the emotional bond that matters.

Stand up for what is right. Your mum and stepdad are totally in the wrong here and I can't believe they've left him out. You should refuse to go but try to make sure your stepson doesn't find out the reason why as he would be so hurt on top of everything else he's been through.

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing” Edmund Burke. A bit dramatic in this context but you get my point hopefully.

Yadnbu.

I wouldn't be able to go without him and fiancée. Especially as what sort of message does that give to your DD about her brother?

You've made the right choice. I hope your mum understands x

Family is family regardless of how it came to be. I have relatives who were adopted but half of their siblings were the adoptive parent's biological children. Their parents and their biological children were invited to a family wedding. Their Dad essentially told his family to fuck off as if they didn't invite all of his children they were no longer family.

My BIL's step-son was treated terribly differently by his BIL's family and BIL now has nothing to do his own parents. He has been in the boy's life since he was a smallish child and the boy calls him dad as he is the only dad he has ever known.

YANBU.

IMO either you all go or none of you. If you leave your SS behind you're telling him you agree that he's not part of the family.

YANBU,your parents are and I cannot understand why they have not automatically included him.I hope he hasn't realised what's happening.
In your position I'd say I'm not coming unless we all come.and stick to it.
Good luck 💜🌻