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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that they don’t understand...

63 replies

Pinklady1982 · 06/12/2017 18:39

My mum and her husband are arranging a special holiday, and are inviting their children (grown ups) and grandchildren (aged between 2-8). My little family consists of my fiancé, my dd and my step son (aged 17). They are inviting everyone apart from my step son, as they say he will be old enough to fend for himself for the week, and he isn’t a part of their family as such. I find this very hurtful and so does my fiancé (his father). They don’t understand why I expected him to be automatically invited, and I don’t understand why they wouldn’t realise he is my family, and I love him to bits. They actually seemed annoyed at me for questioning this. He is a good kid, and has been through a lot, but both him and his dad haven’t always got along with my Mum and stepdad, but I don’t understand how they can think it’s ok to just leave out one member of the family....so, am I the one being unreasonable to expect him to be invited??

OP posts:
tampinfuminragin · 06/12/2017 19:08

Your mum and step dad are being horrible.

Your step dad sees you as family so why not extend that to your step son?

Original poster
Pinklady1982 · 06/12/2017 19:13

They say it is also to do with his age, but my feelings are that we don’t suddenly stop looking after him when we are no longer legally responsible for him! What has upset me the most is that they say he isn’t part of their family unit, although he is a massive part of my life, and that alone should mean he should automatically be included. Oh I don’t know what to do...

OP posts:
RestingGrinchFace · 06/12/2017 19:17

YANBU. I wouldn't go without him.

PerfectPenquins · 06/12/2017 19:17

Do you have any step siblings? Id ask why your step dad and step siblings, if any are part of the family unit and your step son considered not to be.
Id also tell them to sod off and not be doing any family things in the future with them as they've spoken loud and clear about how little they consider your step son. They are extremely nasty and I dont blame your fiance for refusing to go thats not being stubborn thats making a stand against their attempt to leave a family member out.

MadMags · 06/12/2017 19:18

Unfortunately, you can't insist that he be included because your stepdad is paying, not you.

I just wouldn't go. I wouldn't take a massive stand. I would say thank you but obviously, if SS isn't even given the option to go, then we won't go.

Why do they have a problem with your partner? Seems very odd to go from grandson cards to he's not family.

MadForlt · 06/12/2017 19:19

'sorry, but my stepson is as much my family as I am stepdad' s family. It's important to me that he feels included as part of my family, so as he isn't invited, sadly none of us are able to come '.

HotelEuphoria · 06/12/2017 19:20

Don't go. Full stop, all you have to say us that he IS your family and they are being unkind and mean and thanks for the invite but you can't go.

JediStoleMyBike · 06/12/2017 19:21

YANBU. I was going to suggest you offer to pay but I think it's so sad you'd even have to, given that no one else will have to pay for their kids to go. Your poor DSS 😕 I think MadForIt's suggestion is good. Your stepdad should be a lot kinder.

Deemail · 06/12/2017 19:23

That's awful.. I wouldn't go now even if they back tracked massively.

RadioGaGoo · 06/12/2017 19:23

Wasn't there was a similar vein thread where the OP's DH parents treated their biological DC, but not the OP's DC (DH DSD) and she was flamed for expecting them too. Isn't this the same but in reverse? I might be wrong....

RadioGaGoo · 06/12/2017 19:24

Sorry, biological DC.

RadioGaGoo · 06/12/2017 19:24

Oh for gods sake, DGC.

Original poster
Pinklady1982 · 06/12/2017 19:25

Thanks for your advice everyone. Although I’m glad that no one thinks I’m the one being unreasonable here, it’s still a difficult situation, and not one I’m going to feel good about either way it goes. The thought of upsetting anyone makes me feel sick. I just wish my mum and step dad could understand how difficult they have made this for me, and how much my step son means to me. Just wish everyone could get along!

OP posts:
Nelly1727 · 06/12/2017 19:25

I think they are being very unreasonable. I wouldn’t go but wouldn’t fall our over it just explain that my step son was part of my family and you weren’t comfortable with leaving him out.

Original poster
Pinklady1982 · 06/12/2017 19:27

Don’t know about that Radio, but sounds like an awful situation too!

OP posts:
MadForlt · 06/12/2017 19:31

It is a horrible situation, but it's of their making. Remember that.

17 is not a child, not yet at adult. It's an age when, imo, feeling accepted especially with everything he has been through, is hugely important.

I could not, in all conscience, go on holiday and exclude him. They might be upset, but they caused it - not you. Although they may well think otherwise.

RavingRoo · 06/12/2017 19:31

You shouldn’t go either. Your going (and leaving partner and stepson at home) isn’t punishing them. All of you go or nobody goes.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 06/12/2017 19:32

It would be hypocritical of you to go now. They are saying they havent invited him because they dont view him as family and if you go without him it is as if you condone or agree with this. If it was your DD being excluded you would not go, if you truly view him as famiky you need to set the example and treat him equally to your DD and act the same as you would if she was bot invited. Whether he would want to go or not isn't relevant, it is the fact he is being completely pushed out. Your DP is completely right in refusing to go.

3timeslucky · 06/12/2017 19:33

He's your stepdad and they don't understand how to behave within a blended family? That's beyond ironic.

My eldest is my dh's stepson. In the circumstance you've described none of us would attend the event.

BenLui · 06/12/2017 19:35

All or nothing.

Sometimes you have to make a stand and do the right thing, even if it upsets people.

Your parents are in the wrong.

You don’t have to cause world war three, just politely decline.

HopefullyAnonymous · 06/12/2017 19:36

If you go without him, you’re not really any better. What sort of message would it send!

Original poster
Pinklady1982 · 06/12/2017 19:36

Exactly Ford, and that’s one of the many reasons it breaks my heart that he is being excluded. His own mother hardly has anything to do with him. I’ve been the one to take him to doctors, hold his hand at the dentist, take him to and from school, get his uniform, take him to hospital when he had an accident, comfort him when he has been upset...my life wouldn’t be the same without him, and because of us he has turned into an amazing young man. If he has stayed with his Mum goodness know where he would be now, and it is so important we keep making him feel wanted. I just don’t get the way their minds work!

OP posts:
greeeen · 06/12/2017 19:37

I would not attend in your situation. I would also ensure DSS doesn't find out why the invite was turned down.

MushroomSoup · 06/12/2017 19:37

You don’t need to create drama around this.
Your message to your mum and step dad is just ‘thanks for the invitation but we won’t be coming’.

Original poster
Pinklady1982 · 06/12/2017 19:41

I will be telling them that I’m not going, I just can’t do that to my fiancé or stepson. It’s not right, and he needs to know where my loyalties lay. Thanks so much for everything. I had kind of already decided, but all your advice has supported my feelings, and it should have been a no brainier from the start xxx

OP posts: