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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have felt like I was on the receiving end of an unkind joke

56 replies

greyrainydrizzle · 06/12/2017 15:32

It was my birthday on Friday. Normally I never celebrate but after a bereavement my friends felt important so I sounded out a few people in September about an afternoon tea on at a local stateley Home. It was £11 per head.

I started checking with people on the weekend before they were still coming and all said yes.

You probably know where this is going. On the 29th the texts and messages started coming in saying that x y and z had come up but have a great day. By Saturday morning I was down to me and two others and the table was booked and paid for twelve.

I’m so upset

OP posts:

thelastredwinegum · 06/12/2017 16:14

Happy birthday for Friday

Holyknight · 06/12/2017 16:16

That is shitty behaviour and I agree with Pagwatch that there seems to be a trend of last minute cancellations without a second thought. There is probably no bad intention whatsoever, but It’s flakey and barring feeling very unwell or finding myself in an emergency situation I cannot imagine doing this to an acquaintance never mind a friend. Im in my late 50s and if one of my friends cancels anything, even an informal cup of coffee plan, it will be for a genuine and understandable reason.

Really sorry you’ve been left feeling crap and out of pocket. I agree these people are not worthy of your friendship.

JessieMcJessie · 06/12/2017 16:16

Also sad to read about the lady’s 40th only having 25 people. I think that sadly, entertainment is just too good at home these days with TV on demand and box sets and Netflix etc so people just feel the need to go out less than in the olden days when if there was nothing you wanted to watch on the 4 channels and you’d read all your magazines you’d have been itching to get out and have a chat. So people value socialising less and, at the same time, texts give the cowardly an easy way to duck out without actually having to say it face to face and be cajoled into coming. It’s a very sad loss of manners in society.

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 06/12/2017 16:17

What a rotten birthday grey. At least now you know, you have 2 good friends. I think I'd have to let all the others know that because 9 let you down you had to pay for them anyway and you now know they aren't such good friends that you thought they were.

RadioGaGoo · 06/12/2017 16:18

Just don't ask them to pay back the £11....

BrokenBattleDroid · 06/12/2017 16:19

Oh yes, explaining that everyone but 2 dropped out and left you with the bill, so £11 each please, is a good way of raising it. Point out that you were happy to spend that to see all your friends, but less keen to part with hundreds on your B-Day so they can all do other fun stuff and you sit on your tod

Whitecovers · 06/12/2017 16:19

Do you think it could be part of a surprise and everyone will be there when you get there?

If not I would be disappointed too.

My friend organised a trip to another city for my birthday before and paid for the hotel for a few to drop out and she was annoyed rightly.

littlewoollypervert · 06/12/2017 16:23

If you normally get Christmas presents for any of these people, let them know that as you are out of pocket for the party, you won't be able to afford presents for them this year. (make the fuckers feel guilty!)

JaneEyre70 · 06/12/2017 16:23

I can't even begin to justify any of their behaviour because frankly it's appalling. I'm really sorry you've been let down so badly, especially after going through a hard time. I hope your decent friends that came let the others know that you were out of pocket over it .

dingdongdigeridoo · 06/12/2017 16:24

People are SO flaky. It drives me up the wall. Had this when I planned a big BBQ for DH birthday which 20 people said yes, but only three showed up. It was a barrage of stupid excuses and 'we'll grab a beer next week' shit that never came to fruition. Lots of food ended up in freezer and I felt terrible for DH.

I think it's far too easy to say yes to stuff on Facebook then back out at the last minute. It's not a 'proper' yes to some people.

A friend of mine actually had this at her wedding! It was a formal sit-down occasion, invites went out. Something like 10 people suddenly came down with 'sickness bugs' or similar vague excuses costing her hundreds of quid.

woodsies1975 · 06/12/2017 16:26

I'm sorry about this OP. People can be so flaky. I had it on my 18th, which was a few days after Christmas (actually all my other birthdays have been just a few days after Christmas as well, not just my 18th!!). It was back in the early 90s so people didn't text back then, they just didn't turn up. My Mum (very strict) felt so sorry for me she paid for the one friend who did show and I to have a pizza and then told me we could go to a nightclub (never been allowed before). When I walked in, there were all the people who should have come to my party, never for a minute thinking my Mum would have allowed me out. It meant I have never bothered organising anything ever again. It sucks.

MissionItsPossible · 06/12/2017 16:26

Do you think it could be part of a surprise and everyone will be there when you get there?

It's already been and gone has't it or did I misread the OP?

reindeercrossing · 06/12/2017 16:26

whitecovers if my friends thought that was funny they would no longer be my friends.

GoEasyPudding · 06/12/2017 16:27

What happened when you got there? Hope the restaurant didn't still charge you full whack? Or was it a lot of lovely doggie bags to take home?

I'm so sorry this happened. Rotten luck but mostly very bad manners from the friends. If I saw yes to something, I go, no matter what.

Went to a pals 40th, a big do, when we got there she was very grateful we had turned up as she said loads had cancelled that very evening.

Viviennemary · 06/12/2017 16:27

People probably didn't realise you'd paid in advance. You don't usually. But even if they didn't it's still mean to cancel.

Thegiantofillinois · 06/12/2017 16:29

I pester people now, right up until the date. I'd rather look extra keen and a pita than have people cancel.

Helena17 · 06/12/2017 16:33

I don't think it was on purpose. But even so, if they're your closest of friends they'd surely know it'll hurt you not to show up on your day. Just move on and find positivity in all these. You still have a lot of opportunities to meet new friends who would give value to your relationship.

McTufty · 06/12/2017 16:41

Oh I hate flaky people. This is why I hate organising anything.

There are sometimes legitimate reasons not to attend something you’ve said you’ll go to, and occasionally people will actually be too ill to attend. But 9 out of 12 people dropping out is pathetic.

Before ditching them all as friends find out why they bailed as some of them may have had genuine excuses.

It’s happened to everyone and it’s not personal but it is shitty and I totally get why you’re upset

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 06/12/2017 16:45

Jesus! Some people are awful.

I once went to a party - at home with loads of effort/home cooked food...

2 of us were there... Out of tie 20 or so who said yes.... That was awkward..

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 06/12/2017 16:46

Did the stately home actually charge you for 12 people???

If so, unless they gave you 9 people's food to take home and freeze...

I'd be asking for a refund /credit...

magicstar1 · 06/12/2017 16:50

It's a trend these days alright. My friend's husband invited 100 people to her 30th...organised food and a dh - 15 showed.
For her 40th she booked a nightclub, decorated, organised food - 13 showed up.

morningconstitutional2017 · 06/12/2017 16:51

How horrible for you, grey. For your next birthday I'd suggest going out with your two very good friends and let it be known that you won't be making any other big arrangements. Then change the subject.

Agustarella · 06/12/2017 17:01

I went to a few student parties (not mine) where this happened, and I felt awful for the people concerned, even though we weren't that close. I realised that a) it's a pretty brutal way to find out how popular you are and b) my compulsive social presenteeism was not the norm.

I'm still traumatised by the time I lost the tug of war on my fourth birthday, to hysterical laughter from my dad (star player on the winning team) and mocking choruses of It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To from my Mum. Birthdays can be harsh.

I think that just as the OP's bereavement taught her the importance of friends, this birthday debacle is perhaps a lesson not to overinvest in flaky people, not that the cancellations are the OP's fault of course. New year in your life, almost New Year on the calendar, time to let old acquaintance be forgot and look for nicer friends perhaps? Good luck OP!

MarshaBradyo · 06/12/2017 17:08

People always think oh little me no one will mind if I don't go. But the overall effect is so bad. Parties with hardly anyone there etc

It's a party not something less fun work, just go, no doubt people will enjoy it once there. It's horrible for the person left standing.

AnotherDunroamin · 06/12/2017 17:10

Sorry this happened to you, OP I've been on the receiving end of the same, and my DH even moreso as he had a December birthday. One year, apart from him and me, one other person turned up. About 16 had initially RSVPd yes! It's really upsetting, especially on top of what sounds like a difficult few months for you.
We've taken to catering / booking for between half and 2/3 of the numbers that accept invitations on the assumption that many people will flake out. Agree with PPs - it's incredibly rude but unfortunately considered normal these days.

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