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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

School secret Santa

31 replies

HarveySherlock · 06/12/2017 13:19

Yesterday DSS's primary 7 class drew out their secret Santa. The teacher was handing out names. When one of the boy's got DSS's name the boy said something along the lines of dss won't be getting any thing from me. The teacher then took DSS's name from the boy and put it back in the box to be redrawn. When the boy's name was drawn the teacher put it on her desk not giving it to anyone. So by the end DSS's name went to another child and the boy's name remained on the teachers desk.

The boys mum came up to me at drop off this morning telling me that her son's name wasn't given out and he won't be getting a gift. As the reason for this was his comment about dss she thinks I should have a word with the teacher in her son's defense.

Background: this class has been together for years. This boy isn't a friend of dss for a long while as the boy is unkind and picks on other kids. This has lead to him having very few if any friends. I don't know what the school is doing about this.

I told the mum to speak directly to the teacher and that I wasn't going to intervene. I don't know if the teacher has left him out.

But it has me thinking. If the teacher has, is she being unreasonable to use secret Santa as punishment?

OP posts:

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 06/12/2017 13:36

I think the teacher was right.

It's that sort of crappy attitude that spoils it for all the others. A teacher with less about her would have given some platitude about "Oh now...that's not the way to be!" and left things as they were so the boy could tease your DSS about how he was going to get dog poo or something.

As it is, the Mother will now need to sort it out.

PinkHeart5914 · 06/12/2017 13:40

I think secret Santa is a treat and if a child can’t be bloody nice they don’t take part!

If the mother doesn’t like her ds taking park maybe she should learn him some bloody manners and how to be nice?

Good for the teacher I say

MrsJayy · 06/12/2017 13:41

The boy wouldn't have been left out his attitude probably was the reason his name was put on the desk so teacher could carry on. It is up to the mum to sort it out really

LagunaBubbles · 06/12/2017 13:43

What a great teacher, far too much pandering to children like this, it never stops their behaviour only feeds into their entitlement to think they can do and say what they like. Secret Santa means you buy a present for the recipient, if the first thing this boys says is he wont be doing it then the teacher is perfectly right to stop him taking part.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 06/12/2017 13:45

And let's not forget...this is primary 7 so we're not talking about a boy of 6 who might let his tongue run away with him. By this age, they should know better.

Scaredycat3000 · 06/12/2017 13:48

Wow, I'd be mortified if my dc said such a thing, I'd go and thank the teacher myself for dealing with the situation so promptly and clearly and then tell my son why the teacher was right. But the boy has learnt, or not not been taught, what is right and what is wrong and his mothers reaction just confirms who lets, well confirms to him, what is acceptable behaviour. YY to there would have been much teasing of your dd, experience has probably taught the teacher alot. I'm impressed the teacher took this stand, well done them. Might be a wake up call for the boy if his mother doesn't ruin it.

Glumglowworm · 06/12/2017 13:48

It’s not up to you to sort out. If the Mum feels strongly then that’s down to her to address

I’m not sure whether it’s a good idea or not tbh. I think it’s fair that if he’s not going to buy a gift he shouldn’t get one. But tbh at primary especially I would expect the teacher to have a few spare gifts for those who forget to buy or are off sick on the day. I think a better system is one I read on a different thread where everyone who wants to participate brings in a generic gift and then those who have brought gifts get given a gift back.

PaleAzureofSummer · 06/12/2017 13:49

The mother's got a cheek expecting you to sort it out.

BenLui · 06/12/2017 13:49

I can’t believe she had the front to ask you to intervene! Did the conversation start with an apology?

I’m sure the teacher will probably buy that boy a present herself (a nice allegorical book in kindness perhaps) but has meanwhile made her point to the class.

I wouldn’t be intervening either.

It’s her child’s behaviour that’s the issue so it’s entirely up to her to resolve.

ByThePowerOfRa · 06/12/2017 13:52

Not up to you. Other mother sounds ridiculous tbh.

Scaredycat3000 · 06/12/2017 13:56

Glum I too would assume the teacher will have a few spare gifts for dc to give who have families that are struggling financially, or need support in some way, but not for dc that have been taught/encouraged to be selfish and probably will ruin the activity out of spite. The present this boy needs is nothing physical but a lesson in manners and their effects, be rude get nothing..

AJPTaylor · 06/12/2017 14:02

Good on the teacher. I would have shaken their hand. Poor behaviour, immediate consequence.

FrancisCrawford · 06/12/2017 14:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

meatyLoaf · 06/12/2017 14:04

The teacher will likely have a lump of coal present for the boy.

They may have forgotten but will sort something out when they remember.

Professionally, I would back-up the teacher to the parents given that the boy was so rude and mean to your son. Very defensible.

I assume that you're Irish and P7 = Year 6 ie. old enough to know better and learn that actions have consequences.

You did the right thing staying out of it. Younger and more immature me would have seized the moment to give the mother my thoughts on her son.

TieGrr · 06/12/2017 14:10

That happened to me as a child. My name was given to someone who didn't particularly like me - and he refused to get me anything. Teacher did nothing and I was the only kid without a present at Secret Santa. It was horrible. So fair play to your kid's teacher.

Aki99 · 06/12/2017 14:11

Sounds like a sensible way to deal with a nasty boy. You be nasty and you have your treat taken away

Aki99 · 06/12/2017 14:12

Oh and why on earth should you defend her son.

brasty · 06/12/2017 14:13

It is not a punishment, simply a natural consequence. You don't want to get a gift for the person selected, fine don't take part. I suspect the DCs mother is used to trying to cover up or make excuses for the bad behavior

DrPill · 06/12/2017 14:16

In my P7 class, I received nothing from my secret santa. I was the only one not to get anything since the class bully pulled my name. I was really upset. I'm glad your DSS doesn't have to go through that.

Whitecup · 06/12/2017 14:17

Did she at any point apologise for her sons behaviour? Brass neck springs to mind- personally I'd be mortified if that was my DC and tell them they deserved to be left out! I wouldn't get involved now hopefully he'll learn that a shitty attitude towards others won't get you far.

HuskyMcClusky · 06/12/2017 14:18

The mother's got a cheek expecting you to sort it out.

This! Jesus.

anothernetter · 06/12/2017 14:19

It's no wonder this boy behaves the way he does if his mother acts like this. This punishment is giving this boy an important life lesson - negative actions reap poor results

diddl · 06/12/2017 14:19

The mum wants you to have a word?

It's her son she should be having a word with!

If she thinks her son will be/has been forgotten she needs to speak to the teacher.

Groovee · 06/12/2017 14:24

I agree with the teacher!

iggleypiggly · 06/12/2017 14:27

What an awesome teacher. I wish there were more like that! I get fed up of bad/rude/unkind/bullying behaviour being swept under the carpet. It’s a lesson to this boy and a lesson to the class. Treat people kindly otherwise there is no reward.

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