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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to give my husband another chance?

72 replies

LillyPillly · 06/12/2017 13:19

My husband and I separated 2 weeks ago. It was my decision, but based on his dreadful behaviour. Not an ideal situation as I am currently 5 months pregnant and we have 3 young children 5,4 and 2.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant and our youngest was diagnosed with autism (on the same day)my husband started becoming distant and was spending as much time away from home as possible. Whenever he was home he was horrible. Snapping at me and the kids and not lifting a finger to help even though our 2 youngest are autistic and I am pregnant.

He bought a sports car ($105,000) even though we were supposed to be saving money for an extension and I asked him not to. He lost weight. I thought it was a midlife crisis or an affair. After 5 months of him being a total ass I told him I had had enough and wanted to separate. He breaks down and tells me he has a drug addiction and thats why he is acting this way etc. It explains everything, but it also doesn't excuse his behaviour.

We have been together for 11 years and he has always been very controlling, very selfish. In the past has been physically abusive, but now is more verbally abusive (calls me a bitch if he thinks I'm being mean etc), very emotionally abusive (now that we have split up I am the world to him and no-one will ever love me like he does, I am being selfish not to put the kids first and give him another chance, he will kill himself if we don't get back together etc). He got me fired from a previous job for being so possessive he would turn up at the office and yell at the admin staff asking where I was. He used to tell me he didn't like me wearing certain thing, certain perfumes, too much makeup etc.

To his credit, he has gotten better, but 3 kids in and he has never done a night feed, never changed a nappy and basically never been a father to his children. He earns a really high salary and thinks that is enough.

He has now said that if I don't want to get back with him he will move to the other side of the country, this means he will basically never see our kids. I am more than happy with never seeing him again, but I feel sad for the boys.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. I am basically asking if I am being unreasonable not to give him another chance. He keeps saying that even if I don't love him, we can still be together for the kids. But honestly, I am so happy being by myself since he moved out. I don't know if that is selfish of me, but I can't imagine having to deal with his crap ever again.

If you managed to get this far then please let me know if IABU. Thank you!!

OP posts:

Cockmagic · 06/12/2017 14:35

Can i just say I think you're amazing raising 3 kids , 2 with additional needs single handedly.

You will be a great mother again and you don't need him.

Claim financially whatever your entitled to of course, but money's not everything he's abusive and a loser you can do so much better.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/12/2017 14:36

Amicable is never going to happen. His personality does not permit amicable.

You are trapped in appeasement thinking.

In a couple of years time when you can't afford things for your children you will be kicking yourself for letting him screw you and the children over financially.

Get to a lawyer. Get every last penny possible. If he gets angry, so what? Be kind to your children's future. Don't give their housing and holidays money to their dad to give to drug dealers.

Original poster

LillyPillly · 06/12/2017 14:39

mummy he has a lot of his money in overseas accounts and I know he would just hide some of it if I asked for 60% so that I was really only getting 50% anyway.... Lawyers fees would also cost about $60,000 and that would be the extra money I would receive anyway. As much as I would LOVE the extra money, I will forsake it for a bit of peace. If he does turn nasty though, I will fight for everything that I am owed.

OP posts:

TheSunIsFar · 06/12/2017 14:44

Your sons will grow up as decent kind men without the influence of their abusive father in their lives!

StormTreader · 06/12/2017 14:49

"I said I would be happy with 50% because I thought he might get nasty if I asked for more than that."

I have seen so many threads here where the woman has said that, and Ive never seen one of them where they said "and Im really glad I did because he was so much nicer because of it".

He has already said he'll take a minimum wage job purely to screw you over (which he wont because how would he buy drugs and sports cars), but the fact hes already said he wants to be as cruel as possible is a huge reason for you taking legal advice and fighting for every penny you are entitled to. The fact you have a child with SN is even MORE reason you need everything you should be getting now because you'll need it all later.

Taking legal advice and fighting for the 70% which his lawyer may beat down to 60% is going to be better for you than saying you'll take 50% and having him find ways to take that down to 35%.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 06/12/2017 15:00

Bye bye you hideous man! Hello, happy life!

I've no idea re Australian law.... Why aren't you asking for all you and your kids entitled to??

abouttimeforanotherone · 06/12/2017 15:08

Goodbye and good riddance to him, I say.

techni · 06/12/2017 15:23

Yes, yes, yes to all the other people on here saying get a solicitor and get what you need, and advice on what you can do.

Being nice won't work. I have found out and am continuing to find this out.

I bought my ex out of our house at more than it was worth, didn't get the police to talk to him about some threats and didn't get an order to keep him away from me, when I could have, because I was scared that it would escalate, and scared ultimately of him. I regret all of these. Because I didn't do those things, he was able to gain entry to our home, to deny that things happened, and has used every bit of my failure to act to punish me.

RunRabbit is right, this is appeasement thinking (bit of a lightbulb moment for me too!). He is already threatening you, he is trying to get you to back down and not ask for what you need, thinking that he will be nice in return. I don't think that he will be. You should get a solicitor and get what you and your children deserve. I was afraid of doing this because of his reaction, and afraid of looking like a bitch, and I was also so used to backing down and trying to smooth things over to avoid a row that I didn't do what I should have.

At least go and see a solicitor, in the UK they generally give a first meeting for free or for a fixed price.

lelapaletute · 06/12/2017 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

techni · 06/12/2017 15:48

Wow lelapaletute. You're obviously some kind of expert on abusive relationships - we should all just leave our abusers? Gosh, I don't know why we didn't think of that. Thanks so much for the insight.

SilverySurfer · 06/12/2017 15:51

lelapaletute I00% agree. Why would you have four children when you know the H is an abusive arsehole? I just don't understand.

Anyway too late now, tell him to fuck off and I wish you the best of luck.

lelapaletute · 06/12/2017 15:53

Not at all techni I have every sympathy for women in abusive relationships and it's incredibly hard to leave. But unless compelled to conceive and carry babies, I'd be damned if I'd be having multiple children with my abuser. Is that such an unreasonable expectation?

I think the OP has done well to chuck him at long last. But it would have been better to have done so years ago, or to have had no more chdren with him once she realised he was a shitty father (assuming, as I say, she had a choice in whether or not to bear him children).

RestingGrinchFace · 06/12/2017 15:56

Don't give him another chance-clearly he has loads already.

Eatalot · 06/12/2017 16:08

He seems happy to use the kids to get back at you. He will move so they dont see him indicates he doesnt care about them. His drug taking and this would have me terrified the lengths he would go to spite you.

techni · 06/12/2017 16:08

You may have sympathy lelapaletute, but I don't think that you have much understanding. Which is why your post wasn't very helpful.

Obviously, it would be better to leave an abusive relationship, and obviously it would be better not to have children with an abusive man, but it's not that simple. I'm no expert, but having come to realise that I was in an abusive relationship, I realise how complicated and confusing and difficult it is to even work that out; to admit that to yourself and then others, let alone work out how to leave.

It sounds ridiculous (and I previously would have thought it ridiculous too), but I think a lot of people do not know that they are in abusive relationships. Abuse happens very gradually over time, and the abuser does so much damage to the person's self esteem and sense of reality, that from inside the relationship it is very hard to see what is going on.

I think the OP is in need of support, not being told that she's an idiot.

techni · 06/12/2017 16:10

On a lighter note. Yes to the chartering a MN plane to fly all the shitbags somewhere (seems a bit unfair on Tasmania), Mars?

lynmilne65 · 06/12/2017 16:32

Lily you have many years to come and be happy xx

Original poster

LillyPillly · 07/12/2017 03:14

I guess I am a slow learner, but I always hoped for the best, expecting him to change. It wasn't all bad in the relationship. We had happy times too. This last pregnancy he actually told me he had, had the snip because I said I didn't want more children and I can't take the pill due to high blood pressure. Obviously he didn't.

techni thanks for your support. If it was easy to recognise and leave abudive relationships then no one would be in them!

He paid for nannies and cleaners so I made myself think that was good enough and that was him helping enough.

In regards to splitting the assests 50/50. He made me sign a piece of paper on the day we separated saying I would be happy with half or he says he would get nasty and wouldn't even give me 50%. I wish I had never signed it, but I did.

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 07/12/2017 03:21

You could argue coercion if you were pressured into signing .....

laudanum · 07/12/2017 03:55

He will be doing you a favour by moving away. Don't give him another chance, he doesn't deserve one.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 07/12/2017 04:03

The piece of paper is worthless OP....it wouldn;t stand up in court because he made you sign it. It's not a legal document.

Original poster

LillyPillly · 07/12/2017 05:22

cheap that is good to know. I might chat to a lawyer and see what they think I am entitled to and go from there. I thought I had no chance of getting more because I had effectively signed it away....

OP posts:

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