AIBU not to give my husband another chance?

[LillyPillly]

My husband and I separated 2 weeks ago. It was my decision, but based on his dreadful behaviour. Not an ideal situation as I am currently 5 months pregnant and we have 3 young children 5,4 and 2.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant and our youngest was diagnosed with autism (on the same day)my husband started becoming distant and was spending as much time away from home as possible. Whenever he was home he was horrible. Snapping at me and the kids and not lifting a finger to help even though our 2 youngest are autistic and I am pregnant.

He bought a sports car ($105,000) even though we were supposed to be saving money for an extension and I asked him not to. He lost weight. I thought it was a midlife crisis or an affair. After 5 months of him being a total ass I told him I had had enough and wanted to separate. He breaks down and tells me he has a drug addiction and thats why he is acting this way etc. It explains everything, but it also doesn't excuse his behaviour.

We have been together for 11 years and he has always been very controlling, very selfish. In the past has been physically abusive, but now is more verbally abusive (calls me a bitch if he thinks I'm being mean etc), very emotionally abusive (now that we have split up I am the world to him and no-one will ever love me like he does, I am being selfish not to put the kids first and give him another chance, he will kill himself if we don't get back together etc). He got me fired from a previous job for being so possessive he would turn up at the office and yell at the admin staff asking where I was. He used to tell me he didn't like me wearing certain thing, certain perfumes, too much makeup etc.

To his credit, he has gotten better, but 3 kids in and he has never done a night feed, never changed a nappy and basically never been a father to his children. He earns a really high salary and thinks that is enough.

He has now said that if I don't want to get back with him he will move to the other side of the country, this means he will basically never see our kids. I am more than happy with never seeing him again, but I feel sad for the boys.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. I am basically asking if I am being unreasonable not to give him another chance. He keeps saying that even if I don't love him, we can still be together for the kids. But honestly, I am so happy being by myself since he moved out. I don't know if that is selfish of me, but I can't imagine having to deal with his crap ever again.

If you managed to get this far then please let me know if IABU. Thank you!!

I agree with Fizzy. Get your self a lawyer.
He sounds like he is using the kids to manipulate you.
One thing to remember. What ever he says, its pretty clear you now know HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. Such domineering behaviour to the extent of making you lose your job? It would only get worse.
Seeing the kids etc, if he's really prepared to, will come in time. If you are happier then you've ever been and you feel safe, you have your parents etc nearby.. sounds like the kids will be better off.

Ha. Yes I live in Perth which is actually a 5.5 hour flight from where his family are in Tasmania! It sounds wonderful.

I am worried about the financial side of things, he said he would quit his job, move and get a crappy job that doesn't pay half what he is on now so he doesn't have to pay much child support, but I guess that is just more mean behaviour.

Hell NO!!!!
WTF would you?
You want more abuse?
You want your boys to keep this cycle going by being abusive assholes like their father!?
You can tell from what his dad says exactly where he got this from.
Do NOT inflict that on your boys.
You can teach them that women are strong.
And very capable and deserving of respect from men!
Well done. Keep him away.
Let him kill himself (he won't) that would be his choice and his actions.
Don't let him manipulate you for a moment longer.
Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Jesus Christ, he's a controlling arsehole isn't he? Calling you a bitch, turning up at your work, and then threatening no contact with his children?!? What a total arsehole.

YANBU. AT ALL. You have plenty of evidence that he's a cruel, manipulative, possessive, short-tempered man who puts his own interests ahead of his family (the car!!). Do you really want your kids growing up with his foibles, not to mention him as a role model?

And don't you think you deserve to be happy? It sounds awful, I know but getting rid of someone so toxic and abusive from your life must feel like a real relief. You deserve to feel good, to feel happy, and to feel fulfilled, and this man gives you none of this. You're doing the right thing. Stick to your guns!

5.5 hours sounds good! He’s a flashy arsehole. Is he that much of a narcissist that he would get a much lower paid job?

Can you stash some cash in a bank account now? As in half your savings? His car is an asset so that will go some way to paying your share of your house or another property if you have to move.

Oops that wasn’t clear. I don’t mean he’d have to sell it but it would be added into the overall assets pot.

He may well do as he has said. But then he would be suffering on less income until your DC are grown up, which will serve him right.

Do you have enough assets for you to get somewhere to live after you've got rid of him?

mummy We split our savings, although he took $80,000 extra and said he would pay me back half once he had sorted out some 'business stuff'. We own 2 houses and own 2 cars outright so if we sell everything I should have close to $250,000 in my account - hopefully. That plus some child support should keep me going until I can work again... Although one of my kids is severely autistic so I may never be able to work again, but I guess only time will tell.

My eldest son even said to me ' "mummy you look so nice now that you are smiling all the time'. It made me happy, but also so sad to think how I must have been acting with my ex around.

No, you're only 31. I didn't have any kids until I was 35. You're young. You have an awesome life ahead of you and the best thing this vile specimen could do is move across the country and away from your children - not quite the dream role model of manhood is he? You deserve better. They definitely do. Any man who could threaten abandoning his kids to try and control you is no fucking father at all.

Yanbu this is your life. You sound like your all better off. If he wants to move, that's his choice. Good luck

It sounds as though you are financially secure and it’s more that you won’t be able to live at your current standards. I imagine that will be tough. However, it’s worth it for happiness and the happiness of your children. I’m sure you will what your ds said whenever things get tough.

I hope you have the 80k in writing. He also needs to cough up more than half though.

I got to drug addiction and abusive and didn't really need to read any further. What an awful man. Sounds like you and your DC will be SO much better off without! It's him that's missing out on his kids if he carries on so it's totally his loss!! Yanbu and carry on

"Mummy you look so nice smiling all the time" 😍😍 i love this, they have noticed the change in you.

mummy I said I would be happy with 50% because I thought he might get nasty if I asked for more than that. I know I would actually be entitled to more like 60% of everything. I still haven't told him I'm entitled to half his superannuation! We lived a VERY comfortable life with nannies and cleaners and I have cancelled them all since he left. My friends stepped in and have helped as much as possible with my eldest (its hard with my younger 2 as they are autistic and only want to be around me) and I have been having to work harder around the house, but it has been worth it. I am prepared to live a lot cheaper rather than live with him.

You have all given me so much strength. I won't give him another chance. I know that my life will be so much happier without him in it and I will do the best possible for my boys.

I love Perth.
I want to come over and help you throw all his shit out.
Just wave the colossal prick off.

Your ex sounds a lot like my ex.

He's followed through on a threat not to work so that he doesn't have to pay any maintenance, and is taking me through Family Court for more access to our children. The sad thing is that he is doing this not because he wants to spend more time with them, but because it hurts me, and is his last way of trying to exert control over me.

OP, I honestly think that the less involvement this man has in your life and your children's lives the better. He has form for trying to control you, and in my experience not being in a relationship does not mean that he will stop this. It was only after our relationship ended that I realised the level of control and abuse that I had come to accept. Talk to your family and friends, call a helpline, what you have suffered is abuse and you need to stay strong and believe in yourself. Do not let him talk to you into anything.

Try to resist feeling sorry for him (it is just another tactic) reduce your contact (not the children's, if they want it and are safe) to the minimum you can, and move onwards. Get a lawyer and move on with your life. Good luck, you've done the hardest bit, well done!

I dearly wish my ex would move to Tasmania.

"Mummy you look so nice smiling all the time" 😍😍 i love this, they have noticed the change in you.

awww.. IME it's not the change WE feel/see in ourselves, its the kids that show us just how bloody awful being with these godawful men was.

If I were you OP, I'd get myself a locket and have those words engraved inside.

I dearly wish my ex would move to Tasmania

We could charter a MNJet... I bet we could fill it tens of times over...

techni I really hope mine does move to Tasmania. Sorry to hear your ex is putting you through hell. It's part of the reason I didn't ask for any spousal support and am only taking 50% of everything. Trying to make him as amicable as possible, but I feel he will get nasty once he realises he can't get me back and have the life he wants.

So if you don't take me back I'll be an arsehole
If you do I'll continue as above

Well it's a win win scenario with him isn't it

Cut him off at the ankles op, close ranks and bring your babies up without his malign influence
💐

hissy HAHAHAHA brilliant. Let's just take all the asshole ex's to Tasmania on a MNjet

Lilly he will get nasty whatever you do...

Go for what you (AND YOUR KIDS) are entitled to, because it'd going to be horrific whatever you do, so you may as well get what is yours, and theirs ESPECIALLY if you will be restricted in earnings due to your little one having autism. You are going to need all the help and income you can get.

I’d have a think about taking the 60% or whatever you can. It sounds as if he’s intending on being nasty anyway so perhaps you should try and get everything you can now. Sorry. I can’t tell you what to do. If he does move, you’re quite probably going to have to fight for every penny. And you have the very long term care of a disabled child to consider.

Get a good lawyer, get money into an account this prick can't touch now. And be prepared for trouble. Men as controlling, entitled and shitty as this don't give up at the first hurdle - if the threat to disappear doesn't bring you back into line, he will try something else (emptying bank accounts, 'deciding' to move back home. Or physical violence.

You can get rid and keep him well away, but it's good to have plans in place to deal with any nonsense or disturbances from him, before you actually need them.