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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's BU - rearranged Christmas lunch

46 replies

toomuchtooold · 06/12/2017 07:21

We and our 2 kids were invited over to DH's brother's/SIL's house for a bit of a Christmas dinner on 26th December, and DBIL has just emailed this morning rescheduling it to the 28th. DH is really annoyed and talking about telling him we can't make it or telling him he's not impressed with the late change. I am not bothered and want him to accept with good grace. Who's right?

To avoid drip feeding - we don't have anything planned on that day as yet. DH's parents don't live nearby so this is DH's only family meetup. Our girls and their three boys are each other's only cousins. SIL is a bit of a pain in the arse - a lot of comparing and bragging and stuff, and I once caught her pointing and laughing at our car, which is a bit old and beaten up. DH thinks she's got a better offer and bumped us, and is quite insulted that his brother would agree to that. I think he might be right but I don't really care, I just want the kids to see each other, and I don't want it to be awkward.

What do you think?

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 06/12/2017 07:23

I don't think it would bother me tbh. Gives your kids longer to play with new toys in peace rather than being dragged out

annandale · 06/12/2017 07:24

It's not late, it's three weeks away!

I feel like you, I would just want the cousins to meet. It is their house and their invitation so I would go along with it. However I would do something extra communicating in the run up - ask about what you can bring, ask about presents - so that they can't forget about you and reschedule it again.

Crumbs1 · 06/12/2017 07:42

I can’t see an issue.

SavageBeauty73 · 06/12/2017 07:43

I wouldn't have a problem at all.

Dozer · 06/12/2017 07:45

It is quite short notice for the festive period IMO, but you don’t have other plans so should go for the reasons you give. It’d be different if you’d already made plans.

If I were DH I might put my sibling on the spot and ask why the need to reschedule! Might simply be something like they’re hosting SiL’s family on xmas day and they want to stay longer.

HuskyMcClusky · 06/12/2017 07:45

I do think it’s pretty rude, but also not worth causing a fuss over.

sooperdooper · 06/12/2017 07:46

Are you free on the 28th? If so I don't see the big deal

sooperdooper · 06/12/2017 07:48

If I were DH I might put my sibling on the spot and ask why the need to reschedule!

If if was my brother I wouldn't even see that as putting on the spot, surely that's a usual conversation? Not everything has to be such a drama!

'can you come on 28th instead?'
'Oh maybe, why has something changed?'

Someoneasdumbasthis · 06/12/2017 07:50

Do brothers really communicate about things like this by email?

Orangeplastic · 06/12/2017 07:51

It would be a non issue for us - as long as we were free on the 28th.

Dozer · 06/12/2017 07:57

In some families, obviously including OP’s, things like this can be quite fraught!

SiL’s family is dysfunctional and she has lots of stress over things like this and sometimes, perhaps because of it, overreacts to stuff like rearranged dates with our side of the family too.

Butterymuffin · 06/12/2017 08:04

If I were DH I might put my sibling on the spot and ask why the need to reschedule!

I'd do this. If you say you're busy on the 28th then you'll end up looking like the arsy ones, even though they've been rude. I would embrace the opportunity to have a more chilled Boxing Day. Or go out and do something fun that you can tell them about when you see them Wink

Re the bragging, you can counter that by going on about the Spirit of Christmas Xmas Smile but think about a longer term strategy for responding to it.

RB68 · 06/12/2017 08:06

She has prob realised that is two christmas dinners in two days - can't say I blame her

HotelEuphoria · 06/12/2017 08:07

I think you DH is right, they got a better offer 😀If you enjoy their company go and make a joke of the being bumped off, if you don't, then cancel and say you have other plans.

Original poster
toomuchtooold · 06/12/2017 08:08

Do brothers really communicate about things like this by email?

These ones do. It might've been a text. Don't see them WhatsApping each other any time soon Grin

OP posts:
MiraiDevant · 06/12/2017 08:11

Sorry but it is over three weeks away. YABU. Not a late change.

You can make it. You have no other plans. It is nice of them to invite you.
Why make a point about it and cut off your nose to spite your face, upset your kids, punish your nephews and nieces because you want to play playground games.

I'd say - "Thank you - that will be lovely! We have no plans for 28th so it's fine. Looking forward to it. What would you like me to bring apart from some wine?"

alreadytaken · 06/12/2017 08:12

sometimes at Christmas people can only make certain dates. Bit rude not to phone and ask if you could make another day but I suggest you tell your dh to apply the "will it matter in 10 years time" test.

If it will matter in 10 years time there are deeper issues.

DoJo · 06/12/2017 08:15

DH thinks she's got a better offer and bumped us, and is quite insulted that his brother would agree to that.

Why does he assume that this has been driven by poor behaviour on his SIL's part rather than simply realising that it's a bit much to do it the day after Christmas?

abilockhart · 06/12/2017 08:17

Talk about drama llama. It's three weeks notice.

FreshsatsumaforDd · 06/12/2017 08:30

Do brothers really communicate about things like this by email?

Yes they do.....Dh has three brothers and they all communicate by email. It seemed strange to me but it suits them. They communicate with their mother by email most of the time as well!

I would be flexible OP, in fact the 28th is a much better day for hosting. Boxing Day gatherings actually put a damper on Christmas Day for me as all food needs to be bought in early, cooking started and house tidied from break of dawn. 28th better all round.

Original poster
toomuchtooold · 06/12/2017 08:36

If we do go (and we probably will) DH will probably want to make a joke about getting bumped. Aargh. If it was just him and his brother that would be fine but me and SIL, and DH and SIL, our relationship has never moved off of formal politeness even though we've known her for like 12 years.

DoJo I guess because over the years they've been at ours and we at theirs on the 26th once or twice already. We're all old gimmers Grin.

OP posts:
FluffyNinja · 06/12/2017 08:38

I think you've got the right attitude OP.
She might have a better offer but if I was the SIL, I'd probably not want to host anyone the day after Xmas day and prefer a couple of days to relax, tidy up and be ready to host on the 28th.
3 weeks is plenty of notice and getting huffy because of a date change sounds like your DH is reverting to childish patterns of behaviour. Is he generally competitive with his brother?

BitOutOfPractice · 06/12/2017 08:51

It would really piss me off if my DP's dafault setting was "offended" for everything. 26th...28th...does it really matter

I'm prepared to bet that he won't be concerned about catering for you and the kids on 26th. He's just decided to be offended

Orangeplastic · 06/12/2017 09:04

Maybe they had an offer from old friends and are trying to see everyone - I wouldn’t be offended by that.

BertrandRussell · 06/12/2017 09:09

Might be a better offer-might be a different offer from people who can't manage the 26th? I think it depends a bit on the message "can you possibly manage the 28th instead?" is perfectly fine, for example.

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