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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

child ill, work issues Aibu

58 replies

jinglehellz · 06/12/2017 06:04

Bit of background: I have been working for my current employer for 3 years. I have taken a total of 2 days sick leave in that time. I only had stay once at home with a sick child for 1 day.

I am a lone parent with no family support. DS has autism and severe learning diffs. He has flu (almost 40 fever, really unwell). I had to stay at home with him yesterday and my line manager told me he expects me to sort emergency child care should DS be ill for the rest of the week so I can come in (super busy at the moment due to Xmas). DS is not better. I cannot get emergency childcare. There is no childcare for children with severe learning diffs let alone childcare for a child with complex needs and flu. There is no other option than to stay at home with him for me.

I am really scared of calling work. Can they force me to come in? Or am I within my rights to stay at home until DS is better?

As said above, I am rarely off. I usually go into work when I am unwell but I am really stuck right now Sad

OP posts:
Ohffsmalcom · 06/12/2017 06:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rwalker · 06/12/2017 06:57

your manager has done nothing wrong .You get emergency leave instantly but then you are expected to sort child care.. so the position you are in you get the day off then expected to find child care but if you can't you can't then you have to to it unpaid .Its all about the word expected if you can't do it then you can't do it and they should give you leave unpaid . Don't go in are you in a union would be good to get them to deal or failing that contact acas.

Beetlebum1981 · 06/12/2017 07:00

Found this online:

Some employers do allow a number of days per years as carers’ leave or emergency leave, and they may pay for it, but they do not have to pay you for this time unless it is in your contract.
Another way you may be able to take this time off work is by taking parental leave. You have the right to parental leave if you have worked for your employer for at least one year. You have the right to take 18 weeks per child until the child is 18. However, your employer doesn’t have to let you take the whole 18 weeks at once.

Spikeyball · 06/12/2017 07:06

The difficulty with parental leave is that although it can be taken as a single or few days at a time if your child is disabled, it has to be arranged in advance or at least the employer can insist on this.
In this situation the only option is 'normal' unpaid leave.

MaverickSnoopy · 06/12/2017 07:13

Parental leave is planned leave so that doesn't count here. What OP needs is time off for dependents, either paid or unpaid by her employer.

OP I agree about not lying. Imagine if you lied and then got ill next week. You'd be completely stuck. Plus it goes on your sickness record which if you are ill again could count against you depending on the system they use for monitoring sickness. If you take dependents leave it doesn't go on your sickness record.

I am former HR and I would say that you need to be firm with your manager. He sounds uninformed (I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt) so when you know you need to say "I haven't been able to find childcare. Unfortunately as my son has a disability he doesn't qualify for standard childcare. So I'm going to need to take dependents leave." In this one sentence you have covered 1) that you have tried 2) that he has a disability and 3) that you are taking dependents leave, your legal right. Using the words dependents leave will either trigger him to look it up, or if he retaliates you can say it's listed on the government website as your right as a parent.

Can you do any work from home? Sounds like he wouldn't want you to and is a bit all or nothing. Just wondering if it's worth offering. It might muddy the waters a bit with him...

Hope the conversation goes well. Try and be confident.

Original poster
jinglehellz · 06/12/2017 07:16

I will call in and just say that DC is not well enough.

It's not about paid/unpaid leave. I am desperate to keep my job and I will happily accept the unpaid option (it will be tough financially but we are not going to starve over Xmas because of it). My problem is a very busy workplace and a manager who insists I show up. But can't and won't.

Thank you for the support. Gave me a lot of confidence

ceto I do work p/t but I have no life (not been out for 2 years, don't see friends, cannot access support groups because they run when I try to earn a living). I challenged it, got MP involved but got nowhere. The Carer's Act is one of these useless acts without teeth. I cannot formally appeal against the fact that I cannot even get a carers assessment. I am just tired, run down and burned out and I need to pick my battles. I usually chose those that benefit my child (EHCP, DLA etc) but not those that would help me. something gotta give. I understand that I am very very lucky to hold down a job despite having no support network and a child with complex needs. I know the day will come when I will have to let work go but for now I am holding on to it. Most of the mums I know with similar children are all at home. This would be a disaster for me financially so I rather county blessings. It's a mindset which enabled me to keep going

OP posts:
thegirlupnorth · 06/12/2017 07:18

By law you are entitled to a carers assessment and some support. Ask for another one and see if you can organise some respite care every so often.

Caulk · 06/12/2017 07:25

Snap childcare used to offer adhoc babysitters - might be worth looking into and then you could meet for coffee/run a support group for parents (like the ones you can’t attend because of work)

Original poster
jinglehellz · 06/12/2017 07:28

if they would assess me they would say I am fine. they told me as I work I am coping and suggest leaving work and going on CA/IS/HB so I can get a break whilst DC is in school. I am not pursuing this again. I have no energy for that. Nothing will come out of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
jinglehellz · 06/12/2017 07:31

Caulk

I looked into these. Not sure what it is called locally but they are very expensive for children with complex needs who require 1:1. I am a lone parent with a p/t job. I cannot afford such things.

OP posts:
TangledInTinsel · 06/12/2017 07:31

In our area, the Red Cross have a list of certified babysitters, some of whom will also look after sick children. Never used it because I would be in the same situation. SN DS can't leave him with someone he doesn't know, especially if he's ill!

XmasFairy86 · 06/12/2017 07:39

As a mother of 2 with no additional needs, I'd not be able to find this 'emergency childcare' they speak of! Everyone who I'd ask works!

feral · 06/12/2017 07:41

Legislation for carers under 2014 care act applies to carers of adult over 18. Carers of children comes under children act and there's no statutory duty at all I'm afraid.

LikeARedBalloon · 06/12/2017 07:44

I would expect a day off unpaid but I wouldn't lie about being ill.
I worked in an office where one member of staff constantly lied about being ill to get paid days off. The managers changed the sick leave to the lowest standards they could legally get away with to stop her doing it. It screwed the rest of the good honest staff over. Lying staff member left soon after. We were all left with the crap sick leave!

OneInEight · 06/12/2017 07:50

I have no idea of the size of the company you are working for but I found in a similar situation occupational health advisors were very helpful in suggesting options to cover situations like this e.g. flexible hours, working from home, unpaid leave etc. Perhaps the most valuable thing was the reassurance that actually the time I had had to take off was not unreasonable at all.

Original poster
jinglehellz · 06/12/2017 07:51

Carers of children comes under children act and there's no statutory duty at all I'm afraid.

yes, I think this is the case.

OP posts:
HeavyMetalMummy · 06/12/2017 07:55

OP you keep referring to worrying about holding on to this job. You ARE NOT going to loose your job because of this. Your manager might bluster about it being a busy period but, you know what, shit happens. This is beyond your control. What do you think he would be able to fire you for?

PrincessoftheSea · 06/12/2017 07:55

How awful for you. If you are so rarely off anyway, I would also lie. They are forcing you into lying in my view. No parent want to leave a child with flu with a babysitter. Your employer should employ robots if they don't recognise that people have lives.

LunasSpectreSpecs · 06/12/2017 08:02

Very difficulr situation.

Your employer can't force you in to work. But they can start disciplinary procedures for not turning up, withhold pay, and potentially sack you. Whether they decide to go down this path will depend on a whole host of factors - but posters who are saying that you absolutely can't be fired for this sort of thing are very wrong.

Legally, your employer is right in that the unpaid emergency leave is short term, to deal with putting alternative arrangements in place and not to allow you to stay off for as long as it takes for the child to get better. Many employers can be more flexible than that but they don't have to be.

Is there really nobody who will have him? Parents, his father, relatives, friends?

LunasSpectreSpecs · 06/12/2017 08:05

Also on the unpaid parental leave - totally different thing. Yes parents are allowed to take time off, but it has to be applied for in writing 3 weeks in advance, and taken in blocks of a week.

You can't take it at short notice to cover emergencies.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 06/12/2017 08:08

This is the reason I am self employed now. I’ve had a little girl in hospital for 2 weeks I just needed to cancel things and swop things round. I deal professionally with a respite unit and they would not take a sick child. It’s so difficult OP you should be celebrated for doing such a great job.

Original poster
jinglehellz · 06/12/2017 08:20

Is there really nobody who will have him? Parents, his father, relatives, friends?

Dad not involved. My parents live abroad. No other family and I do not have friends. As I cannot meet up/socialise so I have been left totally isolated. And most 'friends' are all working themselves. Do you expect your friends to take unpaid leave from work to look after yourself disabled and ill child? I said upthread that I do not have support.Otherwise I would not be in this situation.

Anyway, called work. Manager less than happy. We will 'talk and deal'' with itupon my return. Hmm I will ring Acas to get their opinion in the meantime. Just want DS to get better and then deal with the rest.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 06/12/2017 08:28

'Is there really nobody who will have him? Parents, his father, relatives, friends?'

Why do people ask this when the OP has told everyone she doesn't have a support network? Don't you credit people with enough intelligence that if they didn't have to take time off unpaid to care for a sick child, they wouldn't? And again, who is going to want to expose him/herself to influenza? Also, the child has LDs and autism, he is not going to just go with anyone.

user7654321 · 06/12/2017 08:28

It’s so difficult.

My DS doesn’t have SN but I have to battle this situation when he is ill as we really don’t have anyone else to look after him, and I want to stay on good terms with my employer. I therefore always send to nursery unless very ill, and try to minimise the days off.

At the end of the day though, I think if it came to the worst situation and they tried to ‘fire’ me for it, I would be able to say I didn’t have an ‘unreasonable’ number of days off and think I would have a good case. The problem is that I know my employer and they would never use this reason to dispose - they would find something else!!

notapizzaeater · 06/12/2017 08:29

Have you looked for other support groups, the ones near me do all sorts of different days, times, etc so everyone is included ?

I run some of my local groups and I’d be upset if I nines you where struggling alone and couldn’t get to a meeting for support. You need to look after you too, it’s hard enough having an sn child and unless you have one you just do not understand 😢